I never dated in my teens or very early 20s - I never met any boys/men who interested me and I was deeply self-sufficient. I watched a lot of niche films and music, made lots of art, practised yoga, got perfect grades at school, and had deep friendships with other women that persist to this day. I had a few brief crushes but tbh I have always been a girl's girl and most of my validation was sourced from other women. Then, during my second year of University, at around age 21, never having been in a relationship and a virgin I felt a panic - I felt that I needed to find someone, and if I didn't put myself 'out there' I would be alone forever. So I started dating, fully having internalised Tumblr lib feminism, always paying 50/50, 'sex isn't a big deal' etc, which meant I overlooked so much of what would be a red flags now. I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't particularly interested in to get it out of the way, and I dated around a little bit. I then met my first boyfriend, who was sweet but had many issues that made us incompatible - we were in a LDR for the majority of the time and he refused to compromise on what city we would live in so I broke the relationship off. Soon after him, I met my most recent ex who love-bombed me - I was entirely unprepared and didn't realise someone coming on so strong could be a red flag. We dated for four years, arguing regularly to the point of me being in tears on a weekly basis, then hoovered and gaslighted into staying together, as if that was normal. We lived together for two years and it drained me emotionally, mentally, and financially. Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of our breakup and I finally feel like I have recovered and I am once again the self-assured, confident, self-sufficient girl I was in my teens.

I am not dating at all right now. I post nothing for male validation. I have managed to finally mentally work through the lies my ex told me about my character to try and manipulate me (he would often tell me I am lazy despite me having a full-time job, freelancing, working out daily, and doing all the housework?). The inside of my mind is a happy place. I am not longer angry, nor insecure. Being in two back-to-back relationships in my twenties, I forgot who I am: someone who is very content and happy by default, with varied interests, and very self-assured and confident. I centred my life around these men and completely forgot who I was and internalised what they said about me, that I'm overly-emotional and angry (I have never raised my voice at a friend or family member - only at my one gaslighting ex, and I have cried maybe three times in the last year - I have re-learned that actually I am a deeply emotionally stable person and only extreme external stimuli will upset me ). None of my exes would show any interest in my interests and I've realised it made me embarrassed to talk about the things I am into because I feel like it'll be boring, which affects me to this day. Funnily enough my most recent ex, a music producer, stole my tastes in films, books, AND music because it was more refined, niche, and interesting than his, and never gave me any credit. He also made me ashamed about my class, my family background, so much. It shocks me how much he wore me down because I've always been so comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. I am glad to have learned these lessons - the wrong partner will suck all the goodness out of you like a vampire. I now refuse to be embarrassed about any part of me that cannot and should not be changed.

A life alone doesn't scare me as much as spending my life cleaning the toilet of an entitled loser who does nothing for me. I still hope to find a partner, but I've realised what a privilege it is to be me, and I should cherish that. I am glad I have taken the time to relearn who I am and focus internally, so now I can objectively tell if someone adds or diminishes from my life. I encourage everyone else to do this too. I will never again believe a man's lies about me, I know exactly who I am.

I am thankful to FDS for helping me navigate through the gaslighting of men individually and collectively - of this male-centric patriarchy that brainwashes women into trying to please men in the hopes of gaining an ounce of respect, not realising the game is rigged to begin with and the majority do not even see us as fully human. If you are starting your journey now, know that the end goal is not to find a HVM but to be the girl you were before you grew up and were groomed into the patriarchy. To see yourself as first and foremost an individual worthy of love and respect regardless of your body and the 'value' you supposedly offer to a man. Please take the time to learn exactly who you are, inherently. Track your moods and learn what your behaviour is like outside the influences of any intimate relationships.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, I just had a moment when I realised how content I finally am!