Today I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, as we both still love each other.

Unfortunately, after several conversations about my personal boundary that we have a porn-free relationship, I took things into my own hands and discovered, once and for all, that he was still using several times a week, sometimes within less than 24 hours of us having sex.

On top of this, he was misleading me as he had not told me that he was still struggling with this, and when I asked him whether he still was (knowing full well just how frequently he was "slipping up"), he lied to me about how frequent it was. Just more break up fuel.

And as we all know, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN. In fact, you probably can't change a woman either. People only change when they decide that they 1) have a problem and 2) want to do something about it. For my boyfriend, although he conceded he had an issue and said the right words to make me believe he wanted to change, his actions over the past 9 months proved otherwise.

There were other reasons to end the relationship; he didn't get me a Valentine's day gift this year, had a bad habit of texting me "here" when he came to pick me up at my apartment (is this the 2021 version of honking your car horn?), and seriously proposed getting a prenup at one point when marriage was being discussed. And if you look at my post history, you'll also see other red flags that by themselves perhaps didn't scream "BREAK UP NOW".

I had even convinced myself that his lack of ambition (see post history) was actually okay because he loves me.

But I guess there was just something about seeing Chaturbate in his web history that made me realize "Dang, this boy ain't it".

I probably should have left him sooner, but for whatever reason I still loved him and found it difficult to realize that he just didn't love me as much as I loved him.

I just wanted to rant a little and thank you all for being Queens and reminding me that I deserve better. I wouldn't have had the courage to end things otherwise, silly as it may sound. I guess it's just hard to admit that someone who can normally be so sweet, kind, empathetic, generous, and loving can also at the same time be incredibly disrespectful, toxic, dishonest, and emotionally unfaithful.