The end of the Rose-tinted glasses, and weighing what matters.

oaeki · 2021-03-02T05:53:11+00:00

I feel like your post is too vague to really understand what you have issues with. I'd sit down with him and say, "honey. I love you a lot, I have been giving it some thought and didn't know how to bring it up to you quite in the moment because I didn't want to seem as if I was questioning your judgment. However I do need to share that some of your previous actions and behaviours that you (have taken) make me feel a little uneasy." and maybe start from there?

2021-03-02T16:57:46+00:00

The fact that you said “communication between us doesn’t flow naturally” is somewhat concerning to me. Someone else said there isn’t enough information here to really give you solid advice, but you should always, always make sure the communication aspect is there. I’d say it’s one of the most important things in a relationship, whether it’s your boyfriend, your parents, siblings, bosses, friends, etc. I’ve been in relationships that the communication DID feel more forced and I’ve come to realize that’s just not healthy for me personally. Now I’m with someone that I feel comfortable talking to about anything and everything and it’s honestly like a breath of relief.

You deserve someone who is adamant about communicating with you constantly and never makes you question. But again, I don’t know the whole situation so I can’t say too much other than communication is key. Best of luck! 💗

sunny2weather · 2021-03-02T06:34:02+00:00

Its not about how many checkboxes go unchecked, but rather, the importance of those that do. Communication is a big one. Try to set a deadline for yourself to have these conversations at a time when you're both in a good mood.

streamconscious-ness · 2021-03-02T11:39:27+00:00

I read your post and relived my past. I thought my (three years) boyfriend-then-husband (seven years) checked some important boxes like faith, family values, career, finances, but also knew, though I was too naïve to be able to name it, that others were missing. Things were fine with him as long as I didn't try to get too emotionally intimate, which I wasn't really capable of doing anyway. But he definitely let me know how right he always was and I believe that in the way he did that it kept me from being able to get too close and really see inside him. That should have been all the evidence I needed but no, I was getting older (than you, by years) and my biological clock was ticking and I wanted the traditional wife-homemaker-mother life. Suffice to say he divorced me and after my head cleared I learned much about attachment and undersood how wounded a man he was and had covered it up with polish, bravado, and bluster. The book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich and Why We Do the Things We do (forgetting author's name) were tremendously helpful in understanding my own and his attachment styles and how they worked against each other. The Yerkovichs have a lot of material online.

I hope I have explained this okay. As I was reading I truly was having deja vu.

vvaternelon · 2021-03-02T16:22:24+00:00

Communication is a very big one. When you say communication doesn’t flow naturally, what does that mean? Do you clam up and not talk? Does he?

The fact that you say he works with you on it is a good sign, but I’m a bit concerned that you feel you can’t express yourself to him. Everyone bullshits, but does he take your input into consideration? If he’s not listening to you at all when he’s convinced he’s right, that’s a red flag. If he is convinced he’s right but still hears you out, that’s maybe something that can be worked with.

I’d also do some introspection around your relationship with control. Not saying necessarily this is the case, because the post is so vague so it’s hard to tell, but is it possible in some circumstances that you’re thinking he should do something X way meanwhile Y way is totally fine for what needs to get done?

Have you read or listened to anything by Laura Doyle? Her podcast is great (The Empowered Wife Podcast) and the Surrendered Wife (since you’re in a LTR) is a great resource recommended on here often. Take a look, and maybe some of her intimacy skills could also help bring him out of those bad moods!! I’ve found her work very helpful, myself.

DelicateDevelopment · 2021-03-02T21:28:05+00:00

I think we tend to project too much towards all kind of ideals. Generally my opinion is that ideals should only set a direction. We will never be able to live up to those ideals all the time in all situations. It simply is inhumane.

So, your doubts are normal and healthy. I already wrote this in another comment, your doubts and even their frequency does not say anything about how good your relationship or partner is.

Also, you will and should never, blindly trust someone in all situations all the time. You will and should never give up your own judgment on situations. Even though you strive for a captain first mate type of relationship, this does not mean that you need to stop listening to your intuition or life experience.

If anything, then you can try to find a way that changes the communication channels between the two of you and voice your concerns with him in a way that he is able to understand and act on.

So, with respect to my experience, the claim, that a man does not admit when he did do something wrong is a very common complain of women about men.

Subjectively I would estimate that 70% of women complain that their men are not able to see when they are wrong, 20% complain about their men to be too beta and accomodating and probably 10% have found the perfect match.

I am writing it that way to make you see how common I think this is. It scares us women terribly to feel that we have to submit to someone who is not able to correct his mistakes or who is not able to even see when he is not correct and this is confirmed by the emphasis that this point receives by many of the comments to your OP. That is a fundamental fear of us and it can be observed as a pattern so often in so many relationships that it is likely rather due to general differences in communication between men and women than "his" character flaw.

Additionally only very few situations are that factual that it is possible to have a clear right or wrong conclusion on them and additionally we (men and women) make all too often the mistake to conclude from our own experience on the experience of the other. We project each others emotions onto each other and take them as a base for judging the behavior of the other, although the other acts based on completely different assumptions and also looking at different details.

As a warning, I have seen many relationships fail because of the female tendency to enforce on their partners what they feel is admitting truth or a mistake. Not because the men were generally unwillig to admit when they were wrong but because the women were unwillig to look and respect another aspect of truth. After some point this turns into a power fight whose dynamic is very difficult to break.

As my own personal experience, as soon as I gave up insisting on "people admitting when they were wrong" and tried to understand the reasons why they did what they did I could often see that their reasons were equally valid and as soon as I started to mention that and clearly showed that I respected decisions even when at the given moment I did not agree, they also openly started to admit when something went wrong. Sometimes it took longer, sometimes it was immediate. Everybody has their own pace.

And maybe it helps you to generally tell him, that you cannot see whether he is ever questioning himself and his decisions and that this makes you worry about his objectivity and that it would be helpful for you if he would sometimes share with you the reasons he had for deciding against one or the other option, particularly when it affects your shared life, because this would help you to actually explixitly see the decisions process behind.

-TakeDownMan- · 2021-03-02T10:56:10+00:00

Most people "bullshit" their way through life. It's called taking it as it comes, you can't know everything.

FunkOff · 2021-03-02T21:31:07+00:00

My mind finds things to pick at in our relationship, and I get unsettled by new things constantly that seems to all be in my head.

You are a normal woman. All women are like this. Either let it ruin a perfect relationship or don't. Also, the top comment is correct: Your post is too vague to provide actionable solutions. If you talk this way to us, it must be maddening for your husband to listen to you.

eatavacado · 2021-03-02T10:49:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	The end of the Rose-tinted glasses, and weighing what matters.
Author	eatavacado
Upvotes	32
Comments	22
Date	March 2, 2021 5:39 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/lvuxxw/the_end_of_the_rosetinted_glasses_and_weighing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-end-of-the-rose-tinted-glasses-and-weighing.1191759 https://theredarchive.com/post/1191759

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