I’m sure this isn’t news to anyone, but if you’re a man, society considers it bad to be a virgin. It does seem like the society is getting more and more into the this mindset lately, though. Perhaps that’s because with the rise of tinder and the loss of cultural monogamy, we’re more sex-obsessed. But, I digress.

An example of what I mean would be the “virgin vs. chad” memes you see a lot of nowadays. Basically, what they do is compare something considered to be inferior/pathetic (the virgin) to something awesome (the chad). This used to be a self-deprecating incel thing, but now I’ve noticed groups that have nothing to do with gender politics (like fandoms for shows, games, etc) using this meme format to argue about which character is cooler, etc.

The reason I find this so problematic is because it normalizes the idea that we can use “virgin” interchangeably with “lame”. In effect, it’s no different than how I remember everyone saying “that’s gay” back in high school when they meant “that’s stupid”. (I have no idea if kids still do this). But I yeah, that’s just wrong and everyone knows it. So why is it ok to do the same with virgins?

Now maybe in isolation this wouldn’t be a big deal. I didn’t secretly harbor homophobic thoughts a decade ago when I used to say “that’s gay”. I did it to fit in and look cool. It’s still wrong, and I regret doing it, but I didn’t grow up to be a gay-basher. So Perhaps it’s not a big deal. Or is it?

I’ve talked to a lot of people online about dating and gender politics, and one thing that comes up a lot is this idea that “there must be something wrong with you if you’re a virgin by the time you’re (insert age here)”. Which could explain the rise in virgin shaming. And it makes sense: it’s mens’ “job” to get a woman to like them sufficiently enough that they are willing to have sex. Evolutionarily, a man that doesn’t do that could be considered a failure, and so our social mores probably evolved along similar lines. Just like the opposite is true with women: not being a virgin is bad because they’re the sexual selectors and nature wants them to be very picky so the best genes can get passed on.

Of course, I don’t think shaming women who aren’t virgins is a good thing, and most people nowadays agree with that. You even have anti-slut shaming feminist propaganda (which I’d argue goes too far the other direction in some cases, but that’s a discussion for another time.)

But I’ve never heard anyone talking about male equivalent. Never once have I heard someone say “a guy isn’t a bad person if he’s a virgin”. In fact I’ve literally heard people openly discuss how guys that can’t get sex MUST be creepy, misogynistic cavemen if they can’t get laid. Women even saying things like “if I met someone who was still a virgin it would be a red flag”. Because it’s just so easy right?

I hope I don’t have to go into great deal about how much utter horseshit that is. It’s so frustrating to know that, apparently, a good deal of people in society would view me that way if they knew. Maybe I’m being hyperbolic, but I worry that virgins and other “low status” men could get demonized to a degree that it might be unsafe to be one. Or at least ruin your chances for not dying alone.

Anyway, this thought really struck me hard today and I felt like I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for being a cool community that talks about men’s issues in a rational way without getting into all kinds of cringy manosphere right wing bullshit. I look forward to becoming part of your community.