Hey all,

I appreciate all your support after my last post and it definitely helped. Thanks also to those who reached out directly via DMs and gave their time to help me through a rough patch.

I'm back with a need for more advice. I'm guessing most are just going to say lawyer up but I'd like to see what thoughts you guys have on this situation anyway.

I'm sort of in the position of one of those unicorn husband/fathers who was the stay at home dad and stand to be the the one who receives some level of spousal support. I still want a life so I'm not looking for primary custody necessarily and she would absolutely lose her shit if it was anything other than 50/50.

Anyway, the Crux of the issue that I'm dealing with is related to finances.

I'm going to try and make this as clear and concise as I can while still giving enough info to perhaps give those who are interested in chiming in the ability to have an objective overview.

Wife is breadwinner earns over 100k/year In the last 5 years since moving to our current home, almost 150k in debt has been accumulated through credit cards and loans.

All credit cards, including two which she opened in my name. One of which I wasn't even aware of have been maxed out, defaulted on and most have been sold off to debt collectors. One loan which was in her name only, the creditor filed a suit, which against my advice she ignored and didn't respond to and they have a summary judgment against her.

She was intending on filing for bankruptcy before filing for divorce, but she didn't qualify for chapter 7 because she earns too much. ie if she didn't spend recklessly and irresponsibly, she'd be able to afford to pay off the debts. So that leaves her with two options. Chapter 13, the repayment type of bankruptcy, which she refuses to do as it forces her to live on a strict budget.

So she wants to sell the home, pay off all the debt, leaving basically no equity to split between us. Because we live in California, being a community property state, I'm responsible for 50% of the debt, which I feel is completely unfair as I lived very frugally since we moved her and I became a stay at home parent.

But all sources point to me being unable to argue that in court and there would be no chance I could argue that she is guilty of wasteful dissipation.

So we come to the bone of contention that I am struggling with(not as if the rest of the story isn't completely fucked up). Her parents gifted us a not insignificant amount of money to pay the down payment on the home. This allowed us to get a bigger home, that they could live in with us, as they did in our last home. Note: They haven't ever paid rent or contributed to utilities.

They have been terrible with their finances and are both retirement age, and have no savings left for themselves and can't afford a place of their own.

So, it is expected that despite having lived rent free and not contributing for the last seven years that we give them their money back.

Combined with the paying off of structured debt, and giving them back their down payment, there would literally be less than 20k in equity to split, if we're lucky. With realtor fees and incentives having to be given to buyers to offset the ridiculously high interest rates, among potentially other unforseen expenses, I can foresee it being far last than 20k to split.

My family are urging me to just lawyer up and refuse to give back the down payment. Since there is no written agreement that this was a loan, they have to legal right to return of the money, and since they have lived rent free with us for 7+ years, they have no claim to get that money back.

My stbx and her mother are now guilt tripping me and beginning emotionally blackmailing me into giving that down payment back.

To top it off, stbx is in the process of trying to move out and get an apartment before the divorce is finalized, which coincidentally would reduce her ability to pay me temporary spousal support. I have yet to file for the temporary spousal support. Though I have responded to her divorce filing. We were trying to mediate without lawyers but it's looking increasingly likely that this won't be possible.

She seems content to leave me destitute and homeless and now potentially left on the hook for the house payments till it gets sold, given that she is looking to move out. Leaving me to live with her parents and her sister+husband+kid(at least they're paying rent).

I've been job hunting for the last 4 months and have come close to getting hired but unfortunately seem to fall at the last hurdle several times. I don't have the type of career/vocation that I can just walk into a job and my work experience is quite niche in that there aren't really opportunities locally. I apply for remote work, entry level work, stuff I know I'm capable of doing but don't have the resume to back it up, and get either no response, or boiler plate rejections. Prior to becoming a sahd, I was in lower/mid level management, so I think those lower entry level jobs don't consider me because they think I won't stick around.

All this to say, I need to think of myself and my kids and ensuring I give them a stable living environment post divorce and the moral Dilemma of potentially screwing over her parents so that there's some money for me to get back on my feet. Given my stbx has the stable job and work history, I could argue they're her responsibility and given the financial mess she created for our family, it is her duty to reimburse them outside of the splitting of marital assets.

Thoughts?