Coming to this subreddit for the wisdom from other men here. Mainly looking for advice as im in the middle of it and not seeing the situation clearly. Ill explain my situation which im sure everyone here has had similar experiences. I have been married for 12 years. Me (M32) and my wife (F38) got married while we both were in the military. In typical military fashion the best way to stay together is by getting married. So we did. Shortly after the kids started arriving and military life progressed. We were happy and in love and felt like we would always have each others back. We currently have 3 children all who are older than 4. Over the course of the 12 years we have been married i have served in some pretty demanding military units which frequently kept me away from home. This obviously caused some strain on the marriage. Additionally over the years both my wife and i have done things which erodded the trust we shared with each other. Nothing physically cheating, but more friends of the opposite sex knowing more about our marriage than they should. Both of us are responsible and both of us are to blame.

Over the last 1.5 year our marriage has been really rocky. She confessed that she doesnt have romantic- butterfly type love for me anymore. That she only cares for me as the father of her children. This resulted in her living in a seperate room, keeping her devices glued to her person, changing passcodes, ect. This was a huge red flag to me and of course i investigated and found more inappropriate conversations 🙃. I called her on it and she threatened to leave. I told her to do it as she has disrespected me enough already. She never ended up leaving as most times it just empty threats.

As the weeks went by we decided to try and repair things and work on her lack of emotional love for me. She has stlaid she stayed for the kids and doesnt want to break our family up. We went to marriage counseling, a marriage workshop and both started making deliberate efforts to repair the marriage. This was fine for months and things were improving. Up until i found out she was hiding a male friend from me on instagram.

Lets call this male friend Daniel. Now her and Daniel have a history before she and I got married. She had a thing for daniel and admitted she tried kissing him once and was rejected by him. I previously asked years ago for her to delete daniel as i wasnt comfurtable with their history. Dhe did as she was committed to me at the time. Daniel is also supposedly happily married now. Now daniel is back and they are messaging each other. I find it very suspicious he is back when we are having marriage issues. So i send a friend request to daniel which has gone unresponded to. My intent was if this was just a friendship he should have no problem adding her husband and me being a active presencd. I bring this up to her and she gives me the whole "He is just a friend". Which based of the history i know is BS. She now refuses to delete him and daniel refuses to accept my requests. This has been a huge point of mistrust for me for the last couple months. To the point i have considered divorce as i refuse to be played for a fool.

Over the years our communication and sexual frequency has greatly diminished. Getting her to be in the mood is about once a month. I feel like my needs in the relationship are ignored. Additionally her relationship with my side of the family is greatly damaged.

My question is this: is there even a point of trying to save this marriage? Do i put my kids through a divorce process from their mom over her refusal to delete a male friend i am uncomfortable with? Do i try and salvage this thing? I still love her the way a husband should, but at what point is the damage to much? Any advice would be greatly appriciated.