Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-10-04T18:05:57+00:00

Ok but I still think he should kill all spiders. /s

Silent expectations are just a way of setting up our partners to fail and let resentment creep in.

SunshineSundress · 2023-10-04T19:24:33+00:00

Love this post. We get SO many comments about how “HVMs” should and would never do this and never do that. The things they shouldn’t do are things most of us don’t love - as of late, popular ones are splitting the bill, following sexy women on instagram, wanting their wives to work, or engaging with other women. Going about it in this way just doesn’t help though.

Whenever I see this as advice, along with nothing to fix the issue that WE have with it, I kinda just want to bang my head on the wall. At the end of the day, my response to this is always, “So what?” Telling someone that their husband should act differently and that a real man would not behave how he is behaving gives that woman NO solutions on how to achieve what she wants. Telling a man what he should and shouldn’t do, even if he acquiesces, does not uphold or strengthen the male-led dynamic that we are all explicitly here for.

These kinds of statements just build resentment in us that our men are not what real men “should be” when there is no such thing, and also create resentment in our men because they will see their partners shift from agreeable and cooperative to pushy, demanding, and cold. Instead of yelling into the void and giving advice to the man who is not looking at the thread, it’s much more productive to give the women who are here strategies that most effectively help her communicate her issues to her man, in a way that makes him WANT to change.

Sure, if you are just meeting a man and you find out he has a crippling porn addiction and no generosity or care towards you, perhaps it makes sense to explore other options. But planting the seeds of resentment for women’s LTRs, husbands, and fathers of their children is just catalyzing the destruction of the relationship AND the woman’s life and stability.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-10-04T18:43:46+00:00

"You should" is such a hostile way to begin negotiating. It communicates: "there's something you need to start doing, I am bitter you haven't been doing it already, and there is nothing I'm offering to do for you in return."

I agree "I want" is a much better starting point.

Jenneapolis · 2023-10-05T01:24:12+00:00

The constant should advice is what leaves women with no man because no man can live up to all the shoulds just like I’m sure we do not live up to everything they think we should do.

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2023-10-04T19:50:29+00:00

communicating your desires is much more powerful than nagging or demanding

I agree that saying "he should" is useless advice. Nagging and demanding are a-no go. But I'm still going to find something to be difficult about, the bit about communication. 😁

I think communication works best when it's about practical matters. Chores are a good example. What to get at the store (send a very, very specific list), which school to pick for the kids, where to go for vacation, where to spend Christmas, which date spot to try.

Communication gets much trickier when it comes to speaking up sexual and emotional needs. Women hate hate HATE communicating about sex/emotion and want a man who just gets it to spare them this unpleasant experience.

Of course, no man in the world will get just get it every time, about every single thing. But some men get it more than others. Some men just get stuff like when to tease, when to comfort, how to lead, how to lead in bed, how to make a woman feel sexy and loved, and so on.

It's very hard to advise women who come here and say "How can I get him to lead? To be dominant? To be dominant in bed? To be better in bed? To be more affectionate? To emotionally engage?" This is where communicating desires must be done very carefully and diplomatically, often more through action that inspires positive action on his end (follow his lead! Make him feel confident ) than words.

So, yeah, communicate but vet for a man who just gets it to the extent possible for his SMV/RMV, and be willing to compromise on other things.

AutoModerator · 2023-10-04T17:45:56+00:00

Title: Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts

Full text: > Listen to Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.

Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.

Anything can happen, child, Anything can be. ~ Shel Silverstein

The poem is barely related to what I'm about to say, I just like it

I've seen a lot of shoulds and shouldn't going around RPW lately and am reminded by one of The Great and Powerful Whisper's oft repeated turns of phrase:

Should just means "I want"

Of course there are things that we should do because we have negotiated them with ourselves or our partners. I should make dinner because that is one of my agreed upon chores. My husband should take out the trash because that is one of his agreed upon chores.

The key is that these are things we agreed upon. If I were to say (without discussion) that my husband should mow the lawn himself because that's a man job, in reality, I'm saying "I want him to mow the lawn because I think it's masculine". That does not mean that he should mow the lawn. He could have any number of ways to get the lawn mowed, I just want him to do it himself because of my own personal values.

Should in this context sets up a covert contract of sorts. I've decided that he needs to be doing something that I desire. If I haven't discussed with him what I want (to view him as masculine) but instead say "mow the lawn", I'm setting us both up for potential failure.

This should also be applied when giving advice. As RPW moves more and more in the direction of Traditional Values, we see a considerable amount of advice that states what an OP's partner should do because this community wants OP's partner to do that thing. Advice like this is often a waste of the time it takes to type. If a man doesn't pay one dates, or text enough, or cut out all the thirst traps or whatever, saying he should behave in a different way is not advice. It is us telling an OP "we want your man to behave differently". She wants that too, she doesn't know how to do get him to behave differently and ultimately she is only capable of changing herself.

Wanting someone to do something is a desire an no more. And as Laura Doyle points out, communicating your desires is much more powerful than nagging or demanding. When you find yourself saying "you should" try to rephrase it to "I want" and start your communication there.

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Title	Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts
Author	Deliaallmylife
Upvotes	32
Comments	11
Date	October 4, 2023 5:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/16ztos7/listen_to_the_shouldnts_the_impossibles_the_wonts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/listen-to-the-shouldnts-the-impossibles-the-wonts.1234023 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234023

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