In essence, she left because I cheated and was emotionally abusive. It’s more complicated than that, but that’s the essence of it. I very much wanted to reconcile and I still crave it, but no longer believe it’s a healthy choice for either of us.

Throughout this process, she pulls away, I try to engage and fail, I realize I’m making things worse and give her space. That last step should be it, right? She wants space, so I try to work through the shit on my side that makes me want to reach out and leave her be. Her stated boundary is that we should only talk about logistics for now.

Every. Single. Time. I start getting better at this, she cracks the door a little. She’ll send me an unnecessary check in about logistics we already decided. She’ll send me a song she thinks I’ll like, etc. Every. Time.

Most recently, I said I appreciated that she had been consistent and clear about saying she has no interest in reconciliation. I really value clarity. Ambiguity is hard for me. I said that I had two explanations for this in my head, and it was the best thing she could do in either case. Specifically, I said that she either really meant it or she was unsure about but interested in reconciliation and didn’t want to lead me on. I shouldn’t have said it, but I was brain dumping. She immediately responded, “Don’t always think the worst.” I did not take the bait out loud, but I started spinning immediately. It set me back a lot.

The next day, we had co-parent counseling. Most of it was the counselor trying to help us communicate about the fact that she started seeing an especially toxic ex almost immediately after she declared her commitment to divorce. I had also raised the breadcrumbing in the previous comment. We didn’t get around to talking about it. The therapy session ended with a commitment to figure out appropriate boundaries with new partners and the kids. I got a chance to raise my concerns, communicated that my real concern was my son attaching to another caretaker figure only to lose him. She is clearly not making sound choices about partners right now.

After the session, I texted to apologize for putting her on the spot. Because we ran out of time, I hadn’t had a chance to apologize in the session. I meant the apology and wished her a good day at work and that was that as far as I was concerned. Of course she replied. She said she knows all of this is painful for a number of reasons. I asked if I could clarify what she meant by the comment about assuming the worst. She said she didn’t know - that it was probably about something else. I sent a text message saying that I understood and said I would continue operating on the assumption that she had no interest in reconciliation. She confirmed very directly that she had no interest in reconciliation. Wonderful. Clear. Shitty, but I can work with that clarity. She immediately followed it up with “neither of us are in a good place for that at this time”. Unnecessary. Why? The “at this time” bit yet again opens the door a crack.

What the hell is she doing? What am I suppose to do with this? It’s torture. I keep trying to respect her boundary. Every time, she strings me along some more.