Accused of being the cause of his sister dying?

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-01-29T17:19:31+00:00

You two both seem to be putting the cart before the horse, here. He hasn't even been tested or consulted with a doctor as to whether or not he'd be a good match. You can't just donate a kidney, even if you are a match.

https://www.pennmedicine.org/for-patients-and-visitors/find-a-program-or-service/transplant-institute/living-donor-kidney-transplant/kidney-donor-evaluation

You've suggested twice in your post that your husband might be considered overweight. You say you're tiny in comparison and call him a "gentle giant." I'm not criticizing, but if that's the case, he might not even be a candidate. I understand your concerns, especially wanting to have a family. It sounds like he just wants to feel like he's doing something. So, let him do it. There are so many potential stops along the way that have nothing to do with you. See if any of those come up before pressuring him. If they don't, he's not going to donate a kidney without warning. You can fight with him then, if you still feel the need.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but stop borrowing trouble. Let him go through the motions to feel like he's trying to save his sister. If you're constantly pushing back, he's going to be defensive. If you're supportive through the tests, he might be more inclined to listen to your concerns or even a doctor's when the results come back.

RatchedAngle · 2024-01-29T17:41:41+00:00

Two failed previous transplants is a grim outlook regardless of whether or not he’s a match. There’s a strong chance he will lose a kidney and his sister in the event he is a match.

He needs to think rationally. Living with one kidney means no drinking, eating a strictly healthy diet, and exercising regularly for the rest of his life. Is he prepared to radically change his entire lifestyle to prevent his own medical decline? Doubt it. Then his mother will be grieving two children rather than one.

And the other commenter is correct: if he’s significantly overweight, he won’t be a candidate anyways.

I would also let him go through the motions and be there for him when she inevitably ends up on hospice. Because that’s where she’s headed (unfortunately).

ClarityByHilarity · 2024-01-29T17:58:34+00:00

It’s probably totally unlikely he can even donate and this argument is over nothing. I’m not sure why you didn’t allow this to play out before engaging. Your husband is HIGHLY emotional right now and needs to find peace and comfort in you. Be steady, make him a nice dinner and apologize. Allow him to find out he can’t donate all on his own. If he’s eligible and she’s actually healthy enough for a third transplant (unlikely) then you can have a more serious discussion.

Hot_Blacksmith_3404 · 2024-01-29T17:13:46+00:00

I’m confused. Why would you not want him to donate his kidney to save his sister’s life? It’s not a particularly dangerous surgery (although, of course every surgery has some risks) and most people recover in a couple weeks.

Emdeedee123 · 2024-01-30T00:36:20+00:00

I can weigh in from your husband’s point of view. In my case my husband (boyfriend at the time) was the one who had just been given the news he would be starting dialysis and going on the list for a transplant.

I second I heard he needed a new kidney I wanted to help. It turned out I was a match and both of my kidneys were at the excellent end of healthy. Even so, there would be further very stringent tests we both needed to pass for me to be the donor.

Three people voiced their objection to me donating my kidney. My boyfriend (who would have been the recipient) my boyfriend’s medical team (who don’t take kidneys from women of childbearing age unless they’re infertile or have finished having their children), and my mother (who (understandably) didn’t want her daughter donating body parts).

The only person who was able to talk me out of continuing with any compatibility testing was my boyfriend. Because he had to consent to receiving it.

His medical team said they would allow me to do the testing but considering the child-bearing issue would make it very hard with further psychological testing regarding my already standing decision not to have children. But they also said they can’t force their patient to accept my kidney. And that’s where it ended.

This was about 10 years ago. None of his other family members offered. I absolutely understand and don’t even question this. However, to this day, I’ll never forget my mother trying to stand in the way of me wanting to help someone I love.

I 100% understand her fear. I had my own fears. I would fear for anyone I love making the same decision. But this is not an impulse decision to quit a job, or spend life-savings on a car, or any other significant impulse decision that requires advice from people who love you.

The decision to save the life of someone you love is a decision that requires nothing but support from the people around you, despite their reservations. There is absolutely no argument that can come close to matching up with the importance of saving a loved one’s life.

A lot will stand in the way of your husband actually being able to go through with being able to do this. Don’t be an extra hurdle. Be the support he will need whether he goes through with it or not.

AutoModerator · 2024-01-29T17:04:14+00:00

Title: Accused of being the cause of his sister dying?

Author Ok_Student452

Full text: Just looking for some advice here tbh. I'm completely and utterly broken.

Husband's sister has end stage kidney disease, 2 failed transplants and only just begun dialysis several times a week.

He blurted to her he would get tested and is happy to support (without researching, without speaking to me). Anyways, pulled him up on his impulsiveness (usual) and he told me his sisters life matters more than me. The day after he calmed down and told me he realises it was a rash thing to say. He felt it wasn't for him.

Fast forward a few weeks, what seems like pressure from the mum, brandishing leaflets in his face, crying, guilt trip, he just out the blue told me he would be getting more info about this and of he's a match he would donate.

I'm completely blindsided. I respect the gesture but keep in mind, he's in debt, I currently run the household as he struggles to find a job, our plans to start a family will be halted (I'm mid 30s). Also, in terms of care, we are not the same size, I'm tiny compared to him, holding down a full-time job and also running the household - I don't have the emotional, financial or physical capacity to support.

I tried to voice this and he turned into a monster, kept saying his sister is dying and will be stopping treatment as she can't go through this anymore, he then went on a barrage of if you don't let me do this you are responsible for her death.

I didn't say no, I merely voiced concerns and required reassurance. To which he gave none, came across incredibly emotional and gave me a load of abuse?

How do I deal with this? He's a gentle giant usually, can be quote impulsive and I've spoke to him before about him being inconsiderate when it comes to me vs. his friends and family.

I understand and respect what he wants to do, I just don't think we are in a situation where it can be done with out extreme stress to us as individuals, our marriage and our household.

If it matters, other siblings have refused. She is a rare case, expectancy of new transplant is a mere 3 years or so if she's lucky.

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Sankdamoney · 2024-01-30T01:27:46+00:00

I don’t think male to female kidney transplants are usually a good match.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-01-30T02:23:00+00:00

Oh goodness OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds unimaginably hard, but I'll do my best to give you advice.

Where I think the two of you should start is agreeing to listen to each other. You both get a turn to speak, and then the listener has to restate the speaker's argument until the speaker agrees. If you can repeat his argument back to him to where he agrees you understand, and he can do the same for you, I think that will be a giant step forward.

A potential step after this would be to then ask for a thought exercise where you try to imagine yourselves in the other's shoes. What would you do if it was your sister? What would he do if he felt like things were already falling apart? I think we just need to get you two feeling like you're on the same team again, so you can support each other. It sounds like these months will be rough even if he doesn't do the transplant.

It seems like the odds of him being a match are low enough that it might be worth proceeding with the testing for the sake of your marriage, as WifeandMama was saying.

As for his comment about his sister dying, that sounds like a projection. I hear "if I don't donate my kidney, I will blame myself for her death" from that.

Title	Accused of being the cause of his sister dying?
Author	Ok_Student452
Upvotes	6
Comments	25
Date	January 29, 2024 5:04 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ae0808/accused_of_being_the_cause_of_his_sister_dying/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/accused-of-being-the-cause-of-his-sister-dying.1244092 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244092

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