Holding conversations when 'out in the field'

intjpua · 2010-06-14T01:39:58+00:00

Practice is the only cure to social anxiety.

I've been in your shoes (almost exactly, right down to playing guitar in a band).

Here's what you need to do:

Next time your band plays a show, talk to everyone in the club. Ugly girls, fat girls, dudes, sound guy, etc.

You automatically have something to say to everybody that is in the club, and it won't be weird, it won't be uncomfortable, and it won't be nerve-wracking.

To the people who came out to the show, you thank them for coming, and ask them if they're having a good time. This puts you in the "host" role, which is a powerful role to be in. With people that really get enthusiastic about talking to you (if your band is good, this will be a lot of people), you can introduce other members of the band, you can hand them your card with your band website address on it and tell them about the free song downloads you have there, you can talk about upcoming shows that you're excited about. Don't push it over into "salesguy" role by telling them to buy your album or your T-shirts or whatever...if you effectively play the host role, they'll do that anyway. And if you don't effectively play the host role, telling them to buy stuff will just make them uncomfortable. So don't bother. Better to be the host than the salesguy, every time. Also, talk up the other bands on the bill, "This next band is awesome. Have you seen them play before? No? You're in for a real treat. The guitarist is amazing." Whatever. If you don't actually like the bands music, but like the guys in the band, talk up how cool the guys are. If they happen to be walking by, introduce them all around. Be the social enabler for everyone, and you will reap the rewards.

Talk to the sound guy. Learn his name, and thank him for the work he's doing. Tell him it sounds great (or tell him if you think the mix is off in any significant way; but tell him in a way that is politic...like, "Our songs are really bass-driven. Can you crank up the bass player's amp in a mix a little and take the guitar down a notch."). You should be doing this in every club, anyway, because the sound guy can make or break your show, and he'll try harder to make you sound good if he likes you.

Talk to the bartenders and bouncers, and learn their names. You'll all be there a little early, before the crowd arrives, so you'll have some downtime. Ask them if the crowds are usually any good on a Tuesday night (or whatever night you're playing). Tip your bartenders. You probably get free drinks because you're playing, but you should still tip.

If you set this hook with every set in the room, you can then come back to the ones you really like later, and it'll all be very natural. You're just a really cool, down-to-earth, rock band dude who loves his audience.

See how easy that was?

Now, once you've done that a couple of times, your fear of approach (at least in this context) will be alleviated, and you can come back and ask us how to turn those friendly conversations into a sexual relationship with the ones you really, really like. ;)

Also note, this whole being in a band thing is a crutch. It's a really powerful one. Use it for good, not laziness. Use it to get a lot of practice with meeting new people. Eventually, if you make an effort to start using your newfound social skills in other situations, you'll find you don't need to be at a club where your band is playing in order to meet new people. In the early days, though, it's OK to use all the training wheels you have at your disposal...and being in a band is a really great set of training wheels.

rmbarnes · 2010-06-14T11:57:08+00:00

My mind just clouds up and I say something completely retarded like "how are you?"

Make sure you don't have bad body language and that you're smiling enough. Without these things you can come across as creepy.

djadvance22 · 2010-06-14T18:17:19+00:00

Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny Cocky/funny

You're on reddit, you're a nerd, so it's like this. In a situation where two people have no commonalities, all there is is directionless neutrality between you two, like the vacuum in space. But if we look at vacuums in our universe, quantum fluctuations are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Particles and their anti-equivalents popping in and out of existence, constantly. Amazing. This is what you're doing: creating photons and anti-photons out of nothing. How? Think opposites. Think about the tension between the two particles. Build this tension with three things: teasing, teaming, and...ok, two things.

Teasing: make lightharded funny jabs about them and everything related to them. You vs. them.

Teaming: make lighthearted funny jabs about your surroundings, other people, and yourself. You and them vs the world.

Also, touch. Lower back, upper back, shoulder, arm, hands. Touch everyone, all the time. Especially after they do something you like: you're granting them approval with your touch. The best way to practice this is when you're introducing people (touch shoulders as you're saying names) and when you're meeting people for the first time OR walking up to someone you know (in other words, in the very beginning of encounters).

So yeah, read/watch some David Deangelo and start touching everyone everywhere, or at least on their vaginas/shoulders.

warpcowboy · 2010-06-14T00:32:31+00:00

Could always pop an Adderall.

Social prowess comes from only one thing: Experience. Your ability to socialize literally defines your ability to communicate and interact with other humans at a high level. You can't read your way there nor can you get your social foundation from watching Gossip Girl. Just get out there and shape your day to day life in ways that maximize your socialization with others preferably in a fun way.

Being a lead singer in a band sounds like a good start.

MrIrrelevance · 2010-06-14T01:56:50+00:00

This is all really good advice. I'd add: conversation is really an art; don't beat up on yourself if things get awkward because not everybody has that natural knack. It's about:

a) being genuinely interested in others (this means asking follow-up questions whose answers you actually want to know, and listening hard when they talk) and

b) knowing which questions to ask so that they're not stumped looking for answers. This means you don't ask questions right off the bat that require creative answers, like "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?" instead you ask questions that are easy for them to answer so they feel comfortable, like "what did you think of the set?"

m0nk3yb0y · 2010-06-14T21:59:42+00:00

"My mind just clouds up and I say something completely retarded like "how are you?"."

I assume you have some adrenaline flowing and your body is primed for a fight or flight response. I picture you attempting to respond way too fast. Smile (or don't), hold eye contract, pause, then respond. That gives you alot more time for you to come up with response.

Also, experiment with changing your brain chemistry so you feel less foggy under pressure -- look for Pricetam on Amazon.com.

rubygeek · 2010-06-14T01:34:27+00:00

I've posted it before and I'll post it again: The first rule of conversations is ASK QUESTIONS! The person asking the questions CONTROLS the conversation!!

And so you don't ask things like "So how are you?", ask things that you're interested in. YOU'RE THE FRONT MAN IN A BAND for Gods sake! If you've just finished a set, ask "So what did you think?" "I missed a not or two, could you tell?". If theres not set at all, ask about her taste in music. Ask if she ever she lives shows, hangs at local bars, etc. Ask her whats the wildest thing she's ever done! Ask anything. But keep the questions coming!!

redder124 · 2010-06-20T07:59:55+00:00

I have the same thing sometimes Ive noticed if you think of her as a 5 out of 10 although she may be a 10 it makes it much easier.

Title	Holding conversations when 'out in the field'
Author	Mexicola
Upvotes	9
Comments	16
Date	June 13, 2010 11:59 PM UTC (16 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/cemvv/holding_conversations_when_out_in_the_field/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/holding-conversations-when-out-in-the-field.1310604 https://theredarchive.com/post/1310604

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