If you just want the backdated FR, jump down to FR: Luck, Some Honesty, FWB. I feel like the background / divorce is useful for some, so I'm putting it in here as well.

Early Background

Though extremely outgoing, I had terrible nerves in approaching / attracting women when I was young (acting like the intelligent / nice guy / geeky type). At age 19 I made a strong effort to start meeting women... after only a few dates met "the one" and two years later proposed. There is plenty advice on seddit to the effect of: date around a lot, get to know what type of girl you like, don't rush things. Listen to it ;) I'll toss in there a strong vote for the following as well: mental disorders are slow poison for a relationship, don't be the hero. Be a friend, help her out, don't get involved until she's well on her way to recovery. These women can have really beautiful personalities, but it's too easy to focus on only the sunshine when it's out, ignoring the rain and storms of the disorder.

Self Esteem Crash

We seperated in April 2010, filed for divorce in October 2010 (the delay was in large part because I was concerned for her mental health). The circumstances left me feeling incredibly low value (emotionally, the circumstances made it feel like she left me - 'chose' disorder over our marriage). Self esteem was zero. It's amazing how much the emotional can over-ride common sense. All my guy / girl friends were telling me I would be high value, don't worry about finding women, etc - but I had a lot of trouble believing them.

Early Recovery (April to July) - Starting to Build Inner Game

Right after the separation I started hiking a lot. Like four days a week, 1-2 hours a day. This was terrific for the mental processing... working on the emotional. And it got me losing some weight, putting on more muscle, feeling better about my body. Great on so many levels. I also began to eat healthier. Mentally it felt good to be re-balancing my life priorities and feeding myself properly. Taking care of my body, which under the stress of the marriage I had neglected somewhat.

I started going on some dates from okCupid and was really nervous about informing women of my recent separation / in progress divorce. Do I tell them on the first date? If there is going to be a second date? In my profile? I felt like it was a black mark, something that would stigmatize me completely. I burned hard on a number of dates (or had women who were wanting something way too serious, even on date one). But I learned from every date.

FR: Luck, Lots of Honesty, FWB

I was in a major city for a conference in September and stayed at a hostel. During checkin I got positive IOI from an attractive HB7 (lets call her Sam) at the front desk (somehow she brought up the topic of ants during our 2 minute checkin and I talked to her about a podcast on emergence that I had recently listened to). I picked up on her interest level and swung by again later that night to chat a second time, invited her to coffee after her shift. Turns out she's totally into science / geeky / smart types (this has turned out to be a sure win girl type for me, easiest for me to attract - see the whole PUA concept of 'there is a girl out there into YOU, just figure out what type of girl that is'). During the coffee date she 1) grabs my cellphone and FB friends herself and 2) asks me out the last night I'm in t he city. At this point I hadn't discovered seddit or PUA in any form, I was NOT making the moves - I got lucky to pick up on her interest and was simply trying to place myself in proximity to see what would happen. I ask when she's working the front desk the rest of the week.

The next day I actually end up going to dinner with a girl from this conference (HB8.5 Romanian girl living in Switzerland, has a boyfriend I discover). I pass by the front desk to ask for dinner location advice from Sam (carefully letting her know I'm taking a woman friend out). I tell Sam I'll drop by after dinner and say hi. Dinner with the Romanian is great, I get IOI pretty heavily (but took no action, as I was being the 'nice guy' still... not sure if that's the approach I would still take - but it might be - we are still in touch and she's clearly interested... she will likely not be attached forever).

On the walk back to the hostel I drop by the bookstore and buy Sam a book I had mentioned. It's a book on women's health / social injustice globally, and I write a brief message in the cover. I've done this twice now with this particular book, BOTH women have been completely hooked (one even wrote me back two months later after a bad first date, said she loved the book and was wondering what I was up to, ended up in my apt 24 hours later and we f-close). I think the book gift (at $7 it's not going to break the bank) does huge things for your DHV. And it's the DHV that keeps giving. Every time they see the book / read it they think of you and are reminded how damn impressive you are.

So I drop by and give Sam the book. She's thrilled and mentions that a guy asked to see her apt (she had a room she needed to find a roommate for) and that she gets off at 11PM, but is worried about random guy going to her apartment that late. She asks if I mind coming with her to make her feel safer. Again, I'm not yet knowledgable in PUA at this point, but my brain says "she's asking you to her apartment, nothing bad can come of this." So I tell her I'll come. This guy arrives at the hostel to come with us, he smells and is creepy. Next to him I'm superman... hidden perk I guess. So we chat on the public transit (creepy guy's english isn't very good) and I get to know Sam a bit better. We get to her apartment, this creepy dude isn't interested so she shows him out.

At this point Sam drops the following (we are in her kitchen): "So... I've got a friend who has just asked me out, our first date is next week. I really like him and I don't want to mess it up. So you are welcome to stay the night, but we can't do anything I'll regret."

Nice guy mode kicks in, and I'm happy for scraps (sigh! but it's where I was at menally). So I tell her that's fine by me. We undress, slide into her bed, and start talking. Here is where I got lucky / indirectly began to win even without any game. I started to truly treat her as unavilable. I was being a nice guy and thought she really didn't want anything to happen (this was clearly not the case, looking back, but I was clueless). So I start treating her like a close friend. I tell her in detail about my divorce (turns out she recently divorced also, though maybe six months before me) and we get really deep into the emotional topics related - and also the positive future potential and the fun of meeting new women / men. I say something like "wow, I've met two attractive women I click with this trip, neither is available." In retrospect, I was disqualifying hard... Which was easy because I believed it. I behave myself all night, we fall asleep maybe 3 AM (I recall waking at 7AM as she goes to work - 4 hours of sleep for her, another huge IOI that I didn't really appreciate) and let myself out later in the morning. Nothing happened other than talk and slumber patry. Total fail.... But it wasn't over! We still had the date / whatever it was the last night.

So I meet her on my last night and we go to her place. Sam's friend is going to cut her hair and we are going to do dinner. I chat up her friend a lot, and while Sam is rinsing her hair in the bathroom I mention to friend that it's too bad Sam is unavilable. Looking back, I'm not sure this was a bad move (even though I didn't know what I was doing) - I had already told Sam she was attractive... if Sam had found out it might have come off as a further disqualification? So I hit it off with the friend, she loves me. We play some card game that involves creativity and laughter. Sam buys us mexican from down the street, her friend leaves and it's just us 2. At this point soon-to-be-date boy calls, I go into Sam's bedroom and lie down.

Sam comes in after the phonecall and lies down on the bed with me. I make the smallest move possible by putting my arm around her, and she flips the switch... no LMR and actually very little cave-man action on my part, she was driving.

What's even cooler about the whole thing is that we successfully maintained a friendship after the trip. She's probably my closest female friend now, and we talk about everything. She's been dating the guy for a couple months, I'm careful not to get involved there... But it's been a terrific relationship for me (and her I think).

Take-Away

Since Sam I've had two other FWB experiences and with both I was extremely honest about my history (insofar as to come out say I was needing to explore, meet women, no LTR). So to come back and plug one thing that has worked for me early in my learning... and which is likely mostly a novice game approach. Being totally honest with a girl (about emotions, lack of LTR interest, even sexual desires) CAN be really solid with the right girl... and you can get some GREAT friendships / FWB out of it which are going to help you as you recover from the Divorce.