Being tooo friendly and "nice". I could really use some insight.

thevirtuesofxen · 2011-11-11T06:04:49+00:00

"Not giving a fuck" is the best way to treat just about any social interaction. Doing so dissuades you from seeking validation from others, boosts your confidence and attracts people to the actual you, not the "nice" you.

CunningLanguageUser · 2011-11-12T15:12:26+00:00

You can still convey nice guy vibes without actually fulfilling the stereotypical roles. I was never a nice guy, but I was often very polite to strangers and older people.

Polite characteristics that damage you:

Nodding more enthusiastically than necessary
Smiling in an encouraging way too much.
Paying a lot of attention with eye contact when someone's talking to you, especially when they're not looking at you.

This is all good for making the person you're talking to feel good in the short term but doesn't help you convey dominance at all, and your lose social power.

You can do better than just avoiding the above though:

Strong eye contact when speaking, less so when they're talking to you -- your words will have more weight. It doesn't have to be obvious, but you'll come across as much more energetic when you're talking (and feel the freedom to be energetic too) They'll definitely feel your presence and become much easier to persuade. As long as you don't go overboard, you won't seem rude.
Smile and nod -- briefly -- only when they're saying what you pretty much approve of, before going back to a pleasant poker face.
You can take your time to choose your words. Don't be rushed and eager to please. Do you imagine any portrayal of a wise and assured figure (God, Gandalf, Morpheus, etc.) to rush their words? Of course not. There's a reason! Doesn't mean they're impolite either.
Old selling tactic -- creating an awkward silence forces the person to fill a void, and they'll be motivated to kill the awkwardness by appeasing you.

I'm always seeking reactions from people to boost my emotions and the guys I work with are like the opposite, they're very self amused

Going by this, I get the feeling you come across as more serious than them and a lot of other people, as much as you're able to crack jokes.

B-80 · 2011-11-12T06:15:48+00:00

I don't know why you are using the word nice here, I think your problem is being timid, shy, and over analyzing things (not to say you aren't nice). There is really no "cure" for this, it's a personality trait. I bet you're a pretty smart guy because that comes with the over analysis. Use that as a strength instead of a negative.

No one can tell you how to stop being you, and you shouldn't want to change who you are. Better yourself, sure, but your personality isn't inherently worse than that of others. It really just comes down to inner game. You need to be comfortable and happy with yourself.

The flip-side to this, is that if you don't like that you are timid, then you need to force it until you become more comfortable around new people. Make a sort of "pact" with yourself. Whenever the idea of doing something makes you anxious, you have to do it. Force yourself to meet new people often, and it will become second nature to you. An important thing to understand is that we all have the same feelings you have. We are all human, and we're very similar. It's like the bee thing, new people are as afraid of meeting you as you are of meeting them, so there is no reason to be intimidated or worried about the outcome.

07SS · 2011-11-11T22:47:24+00:00

Not trying to be a dick but you kind of sound like a "nice guy". Of course I'm in no place to make assumptions based on reading about 3 short paragraphs about your persona. Just my opinion.

However, what helped me out A LOT (used to be a textbook nice guy) was the cocky-funny approach. Fake it till you make it bro! After a while, you'll sort of reach a happy medium between nice and cocky-funny. At least that's what happened to me. Good luck man

choc_is_back · 2011-11-12T00:20:04+00:00

Quick fix (or at least improvement): look people straight in their eyes more. Not all the time, but more.

Especially when saying something serious or asking a question.

B-80 · 2011-11-13T02:11:50+00:00

I've got the opposite problem.

I'm trying to make friends, JUST friends, with a couple of smoking hot girls from the office, just for social proof. I won't fuck anyone I work with for obvious reasons.

I think I'm coming across as a dick though, I've forgotten how to be empathetic to women. I feel kind of shitty about it, actually.

Itsatrapski · 2011-11-12T08:00:36+00:00

Learn sarcasm. If you read almost any FR on here, sarcasm comes up a lot in conversation. You can still be a nice guy, but sarcasm adds a sort of...air to that. Be obvious enough that they know you're a nice guy, but can still joke around and poke fun.

Title	Being tooo friendly and "nice". I could really use some insight.
Author	3109
Upvotes	23
Comments	14
Date	November 11, 2011 4:40 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/m8chs/being_tooo_friendly_and_nice_i_could_really_use/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/being-tooo-friendly-and-nice-i-could-really-use.1324834 https://theredarchive.com/post/1324834

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