Have any of you had issues with and/or beaten a level of social anxiety that can be considered a phobia?

johnnyguygin · 2012-03-26T02:35:20+00:00

when i went to college ten years ago something happened to me and i experienced all the same things you are. i ended up going to a psychiatrist being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and getting a prescription for paxil. that helped quite a bit. i don't recommend medication as a rule but sometimes it's the right thing to do. what really changed my life was a couple years after dropping out of college (partially because of my social anxiety) i joined a karate dojo. i've been doing it for ten years and it's changed my life.
karate might not be for you but the important thing is to find something you enjoy and dedicate yourself to it. the pick up community calls it inner game.

i'd go see a shrink about the possibility of medication for a short term solution and then long term find something you love doing and get really fucking good at it. it'll give you self confidence and something interesting to talk about both of which are horribly important in social situations.

good luck, brother.

ThrowawayPUA · 2012-03-26T02:01:22+00:00

I know this is a new, disposable account but I'm going to send you a personal message. Please look for it.

Also, speaking as a moderator for a moment, please handle this sort of inquiry with some sensitivity and kindness.

quintin3265 · 2012-03-26T17:02:13+00:00

I think that what you need to do is what people here will flame me for telling you to do: ignore all of the pickup advice.

There are two major problems with pickup advice that has led me to drift away from it. First, most is written as if having sex with women is the sole goal in life, rather than just one big part or even a minor part of a happy life. Most pickup artists have, understandably, a very high sex drive - that's probably why they got interested in the methods in the first place. But for most people, who have average or low sex drives, the seduction community's advice is too intense for them. It is focused on results that a few people with very high sex drives want to have (sex with tens or hundreds of women), rather than what most people want, which is to form a connection with one or a few women while spending a lot of their time on career, interests, and hobbies. You sound like someone who prefers the latter - and there is nothing wrong with that.

Second, it seems that much of the advice is written for people who are in college. That's great for them, but most people don't attend college, and those that do are only there for a few years compared to the vast amount of time spent doing something else. Much of the advice of forcing yourself to open 100 sets just doesn't work for the majority of people, because they don't interact with even 10 attractive women on most days. If you read that advice, then you start to feel that there is something wrong with you because you don't go up and approach so many women. The truth is that most people don't have time for that, and if they do, the vast majority of people in the world are afraid to do it.

I think you should go seek help by talking to a therapist. Be careful about taking drugs for your problems though because they had major side effects for me, and I can talk about that if you reply. Start an exercise program today, as it was the only thing that was successful in reducing my issues (mania) for me.

Here is what you should take out of this post: keep in mind that your situation, of having trouble with women, is more normal than the situation of the 5% of men who are natural seducers. You shouldn't look down about yourself because of it. Society, especially Baby Boomers, expect young people today to be socially successful and married like many were in the 50s and 60s. But the world has changed. With the decline of marriage and religion, women under 30 aren't interested in responsible people who obey the law, live quiet lives, and make a lot of money - and while politically incorrect, it is true that the behavior of many 20s women is abhorrent, especially at parties. But that is NOT a reason to disobey the law, disrespect people, and take an arrogant stance towards "beta males," because it's simply the right thing to do. It took me a long time to figure that one out. Women's preferences for jerks don't mean that you are a lesser person. Perhaps it means that the women are lesser people for being attracted to the wrong people.

Depression makes it easy to believe that your situation is worse off than everyone else's, and it also makes it seem that the solutions to all your problems are found externally. There is improvement to be made in solving your problems with people, but if you had sex with someone tonight or found a girlfriend, you will feel exactly the same tomorrow.

Think about it: the problem is that your thoughts are centered on depressing things and fears. What you want is to be thinking about positive things and not having fears. If you force yourself to go out to clubs and approach women, you will be successful in pickup - and still be depressed and have fears. Notice that you didn't state once in your original post that you wanted to have friends; you said that it ashamed you that you didn't have friends. That is an enormous difference. While it might sound ridiculous to you and many posters now, a good psychologist will help you accept that things aren't as bad as they seem. Then you can decide if, and how, you want to change.

fdm3 · 2012-03-26T03:09:57+00:00

Hey I'm in the same boat as you (also 22, no friends and socially terrified) and I've slowly started to deal with my social phobia. My social anxiety was so bad that I didn't have a job for years just out of fear of dealing with people. I would be scared to throw out the trash because I might have to talk to someone, or because of fear that someone might see and judge me. I was even afraid to talk to people on the phone and order delivery. I used to start shaking when talking to cashiers at the super market or booking a table at a restaurant.

I've recently started to deal with it by researching a lot of inner game stuff (especially rsd) and facing my fears (the primary factor). I've been slowly pushing myself to do things that I'm afraid of doing, and it always always pay off. It's like if you take action you can't lose, if you don't die you have acquired a useful reference experience. Even if you fail (which i do a lot, lol) or come off as a creep or weirdo it will have been worth it. Eventually you will desensitize yourself to your phobia, and your confidence will start to develop.

Start like I did. Go out for a walk and hold eye contact and smile and say hello to people you walk by. If it's a hot girl say hey, smile and hold eye contact, embrace your sexual intent. If you're like me you may come off as weird and creepy at first but keep going, you will start get better and better at it. Eventually graduate to trying to make small talk with strangers. Just enjoy yourself and say things to amuse yourself. It's cool if you fail, you will have successes and failures. Both will level up your confidence in yourself, as long as you took action you WILL feel better.

So basically take babysteps and don't stop, you can't lose if you take action. You need to start doing the things you avoided before. I used to take another path or cross the street if It meant avoiding social interaction, now I take the situation head on even if I am terrified. Embrace your social anxiety, accept it, but choose to take action anyway.

Do whatever you can to get the reference experiences. If it takes alcohol to get you to start, then start doing that and eventually you will feel more confident and it will be easier to do sober.

Also I know what you mean about the smile thing. I couldn't smile on command before, but I've found that by forcing myself to take action, little problems like that have auto corrected themselves because my confidence is increasing.

I'm actually really excited because once I realized that action = progress, I feel like I am capable of anything. It's like I've discovered some universal human secret to success. Anyway I just wanted to share this with you because I know exactly what you're dealing with.

TLDR: do things youre terrfied of doing and be willing to fail. Your social anxiety will evaporate and your confidence will flourish.

fdm3 · 2012-03-26T03:28:42+00:00

Hey OP, I felt the same way as you for a long time. I was painfully shy as a younger child, only freely talking with people I knew really well. I was pretty chubby and insecure about my appearance in middle school. For much of high school I had zero social interaction outside of school. Over time I've started to get over it though. For me it was all about taking it in steps. I started with improving my diet in 7th and 8th grades. Started exercising heavily in 9th. Started putting myself in more and more uncomfortable social situations and handling them as best I could.

Where I am now I'd go as far as considering myself a moderate extravert. I'll have spur of the moment conversations with strangers while waiting in line, riding elevators, etc, and I truly find them enjoyable and socially stimulating. There's still a lot of room to improve though. I'm working on taking better care of my appearance and how I dress. Surprisingly enough, for some reason I'm still intimidated by approaching and talking to beautiful women, so I'm working on that too.

I couldn't say for sure if you need therapy, but just try to improve a little bit at a time. It's very frustrating to be in that social situation, and I bet there are a lot of times you wish you would just wake up with a different personality (I certainly felt that way), but nothing is going to change instantly. Just work on what you can, and slowly it will start to get better. Good luck with everything!

P.S. Working a retail job starting my senior year in high school helped my social anxiety tremendously. Even in you have a full time job already, working a part time retail job where you're forced to interact with strangers can really help you get used to interacting with and conversing with random people.

buildingafuture · 2012-03-27T08:58:53+00:00

[deleted]

don_quixotaway · 2012-03-26T03:52:55+00:00

I'm starting a new thread in response to this. You can read it for the full story of my recovery from social anxiety.

Basically, here are some points that you can take away from my experience.

I am not a doctor or psychologist, so I can't diagnose you over the internet, but I'm speaking from personal experience. You fit the textbook definition of SAD/social phobia. You're going to need therapy. But don't take my word for it, talk to your doctor! It's their job to take care of your health, and that includes mental health. They will help you find a mental health counselor.

Here's the good news: cognitive behavioral therapy has empirically been shown to be effective for complete recovery from social anxiety disorder. This shit's fixable! Be glad you don't have schizophrenia or something! Look for a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders and CBT.

Some naive optimists here might disagree, but I don't think you are ready for pickup yet. You need to crawl before you can run; it's going to be almost impossible for you to form any sort of relationship with a woman in your current state (barring the involvement of drugs and/or lots of alcohol). You're going to first need to be able to become comfortable with being in new social situations, and eventually with socializing with anyone and everyone. BUT -- that doesn't mean you still can't try practicing. Approaching women you don't know (and people in general) is the best way to get over your social anxiety. It may seem like I'm contradicting myself here, but I just think it's easy if you're on your own to get discouraged and give up. You need the guidance of a professional to work your way up to this point.

I felt the same way you describe here:

I've had experiences where I just sat there without saying anything and gone home to constantly replay it in my mind and feel like shit.

This is called rumination, and I know how much it sucks. One thing you have to remember is that everything you're feeling is normal. It doesn't reflect on you as a person, it's just a temporary state of mind that can be changed in the future.

Hope this is helpful. I'll finish up writing that post, then link to it here.

Edit: here's the thread

woeisyou · 2012-03-26T15:46:09+00:00

It sounds like your issues reach a little bit deeper than seduction. Lots of great responses here so far. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I don't know if my issues reached as deeply as yours.

My one thing to add is that it sounds like you're jumping into what I find is one of the hardest places for someone starting out - the club. They took a lot of getting used to for me, if you're not used to them they are like sensory overload for someone who isn't very social.

The best advice I can give you is to try to find as many situations as possible where you are forced to interact with people. Join clubs, go to networking events, go to places where people interact on a daily basis. It's going to be really difficult at first and you'll feel like this weird guy trying to fit in, but the more you do it the more natural it becomes.

I think college was my first experience coming out of my shell like that, because in the dorms you were around people ALL the time. Before then I was a lot like you where in most social situations I was overly self conscious....every social situation felt like a big deal, because I didn't have very many of them.

But yeah, before you can talk to women, you really need to learn to talk to PEOPLE.

wtjones · 2012-03-26T03:23:59+00:00

I can't suggest getting into a process group strongly enough. I've been where you're at and it gets better. If you're still in school they usually offer them for free. I seconds Intimate Connections by Robert Burns is good as is The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

Therapy and group will help.

Thepre-Tender · 2012-03-26T07:38:34+00:00

I would just like to say that "Feeling Good" and "Intimate Connections" is actually by David. D Burns, not Robert. Good books though.

mob_barley · 2012-03-26T19:31:33+00:00

Hey man, I think I may be going through a lot of the same stuff you are. I'm 22, recently transferred to a new college, and I'm having a pretty rough time myself.

It's odd because I have a really tight knit group of friends left over from high school, I always had a girlfriend back then, loved going out to parties etc. I'm not sure what it is about me that's changed but it's gotten to the point where sometimes it's hard just to leave my bedroom and face my roommates; going to campus and to class is out of the question. Recently started seeing a therapist too.

Anyways I'm just trying to relate, not make this about myself. If any of that sounds familiar and you want someone to vent to, send me a PM.

PS, pick up methods and therapy are two different things. If you need therapy then you need therapy, you shouldn't try to treat yourself for those kinds of problems any more than you would for another kind of medical condition.

RedErin · 2012-03-26T19:51:55+00:00

Yep, here's my story.

Title	Have any of you had issues with and/or beaten a level of social anxiety that can be considered a phobia?
Author	fdm3
Upvotes	21
Comments	26
Date	March 26, 2012 1:05 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/rdgwg/have_any_of_you_had_issues_with_andor_beaten_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/have-any-of-you-had-issues-with-andor-beaten-a.1330489 https://theredarchive.com/post/1330489

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