Why is self-confidence more of a turn-on to women than it is to men?

Thagros · 2012-10-14T05:33:52+00:00

I really don't think there's as much difference as you think...

If you're having to "see right through confidence" that isn't confidence--it's a mask, which is probably why it's so annoying. A confident woman won't feel the need to have to prove herself or project an aura of confidence by going on about how awesome she is. An woman with low self-esteem will stutter, wear clothing that doesn't suit her, fail to make eye contact, and be too nervous to communicate well and be as interesting as she actually is once you get to know her.

I'm a woman with very low self-esteem (which is why I'm browsing /r/seduction, trying to figure out how to get men to find me attractive, but it all seems to be aimed the other way, hah), and I've had one second date in four years. Most guys smell the insecurity on me and friend-zone me immediately.

On the other hand, tastes differ, and you just might be one of the few guys who don't mind a woman who lacks confidence. I know I generally find shy/slightly awkward men to be really adorable and they tend to put me at ease.

MARSpu · 2012-10-14T02:11:13+00:00

Why is being assertive more attractive to women than it is to men?
Why do men generally snap back when they're being intimidated, while women display submissive properties if not get a tingly feeling between their legs?
Why is "being in tune with your emotions" a feminine property, while "being successful" a masculine one?

Evolution and evolved psychology from previous mammalian states, my friend. Men are gatherers of status while women are much less concerned about that. Confidence is a state of perceived status and one's pecking order in the cycle of life.

What you're missing in your articulation are the dichotomies that have always existed in history. The first one has to do with being comfortable vs. being uncomfortable - the second is a case of two brothers fighting. Both of these dichotomies are inherent in all humans because they're primitive forms of thinking inherited from our chimp friends. Rational and logical thinking comes above these more simple levels of thinking but are still very well affected by them - hence the phrase "reason is a whore."

If you look through history, you'll find every bit of evidence to see that the two dichotomies I've mentioned are simply there. Politics, for example, has always been about two brothers competing. Politicians, even when elected, are always trying to one-up each other, especially in front of corporate and media attention, to display a more dominant position. If you look at two different game styles, to support my second example, we can see that Mystery has a much more colder world view, while RSD Tyler has a much more warmer approach. These are, again, resulting from accepting different the two different dichotomies and basing your approach off of them. Both of these men advocate opening up to the world around you, but some great leaders function on the basis of treating people like shit to make them look up to you vs. treating everyone on a fairly-balanced level to make everyone happy with you.

Because our knowledge has expanded in much different ways than our ancestry line however, we have things like game and routines that spike body temperature levels in women. However, the early channels of our brains are still there. We sit where we stand, in other words.

I'm only describing to you my own findings but I recommend looking around yourself. The answer is much more satisfying that way.

Llaine · 2012-10-14T03:54:31+00:00

You're not attracted to confident women?

Daedatheus · 2012-10-14T05:32:05+00:00

I feel like this is just one of those questions where you have to accept the answer even if it is not yet fully justified with hard facts or science. There is not much more we can do, and no one is qualified to effectively answer this question.

Asimoff · 2012-10-14T12:43:48+00:00

Because historically a man's role was to go out and compete with other men and the natural world to provide food, shelter and all that good stuff for his mate and his offspring and a woman's role was to shut the fuck up and have babies.

Yes, these gender roles are barbaric and antiquated, but like it or not they molded our psychology.

Manderp09 · 2012-10-14T22:05:18+00:00

Here's my intake on why women (including myself) find it so irresistible to be with a guy that is confident: 1. I have to work for it. If you're going to just bow down, i'm going to either accurately ID a clinger, or mis-interpret you as one. I and I believe other women, enjoy the chase, the game, and the play of emotions and sexual tension. It builds it up, but usually a guy that lacks the confidence won't go for this. He'll hide away, make love letters, talk about it on reddit, and never play the game with me. If you won't be apart of the game, how will a girl ever notice you? 2. Holding your own. I feel like many people that are comfortable with themselves will have a presence of openness to them. It makes it easier to talk to them, takes the pressure away from everything, and makes you easier to approach. Guys that are comfortable and confident - these guys are going to get ALL the girls. Want to know why? Because not only do they have the laid back vibe, they know it. They own it, they go for what they want and that gets interpreted as passion. Most women will take someone that is passionate over a phenomenal fuck any day. It's one of the reasons why we look so hard for another, we need that passion. 3. Control. Being confident, going for what you want tells me you're in control. Whether a woman actually is in control or not there's still that need deep inside us that wants to be taken care of, secured, and for once not in control. Even if the woman isn't always in control, she feels like she is, and therefore would love to lose it once in a while by falling into a mans arms. That usually is attained by a man that is confident.

This is just observations/realizations that i've either observed or myself have experienced. I know why I want confident men. It's exhilarating, a power kick to chase, and just as much fun to find out which one of us has more passion. Sometimes I accidentally take the assholes and douchebags and mistake them for being comfortable and confident and end up with arrogance and confidence, which isn't good. Fakers get exposed when the time presents itself and girls WILL know, however some may be so far down the hole that they will still stay with a dick. I wish more girls would just admit they want that confidence instead of going for douchebags that misrepresent it, and then whine on facebook that they can't find a nice guy so that way when the next nice guys rolls around she can friendzone them.

I'm a bitch who likes confident men. Yes sometimes I miss and get treated like shit, but it's the price I pay for not picking up on the falseness of it.

If you guys sit in front of the mirror everyday, come to terms with who you are - you need to be comfortable with yourself and then confidence flows as a secondary action - just start realizing all the things you're good at, what you like about yourself, and what you have to offer. If you think it's nothing, ask yourself what's more important? The fact of you not wanting to change or being with someone? If it's being with someone, change. We all need to make sacrifices for what we want and what is worth it, but those that actually do make the sacrifices come out stronger than those that complain and ask why without the notion to either change how they perceive things, or change themselves to become more of what they want their perception to be.

Hope that helped, sorry for the rant. I won't make a TL;DR read it.

2012-10-14T01:40:31+00:00

I think you answered your own question, and now are attempting to invalidate your own answer: Because evolution.

2012-10-14T05:30:11+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2012-10-14T05:29:22+00:00

this doesnt even belong in this subreddit

Manderp09 · 2012-10-14T12:53:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Kozbot · 2012-10-14T17:16:49+00:00

because it is really a base trait that lays the foundation for success in all areas.

2012-10-14T18:56:07+00:00

Because historically, women have been way more dependent on men than men have been on women.

vorgy · 2012-10-14T06:22:03+00:00

Gender roles.

yinop · 2012-10-14T04:29:10+00:00

I didn't read everyting, and no TLDR was offered. But I think I can hazard a guess - Women are dived at by every guy because they are hot. Guys get the occasional and rare interest from women because of their personalities. The self-selection out of this whole process is code-named confidence, and obviously matters more for guys.

A hot girl with no self-confidence is still going to have her choice of 20 boyfriends.

dakru · 2012-10-15T03:40:39+00:00

Is it inherent, or learned?

Both, in my opinion. There's something natural there, it seems. Why do men care about breasts? Women won't understand like a man can (heterosexuality assumed). But they're specific markers of women, femininity, and female sexuality, just as things like confidence and a muscular physique (that can only be built with male levels of testosterone) is a marker of men, masculinity, and male sexuality.

I think a lot of these things where there are questions about whether something is natural or societal are incidences of it being natural but amplified by societal factors. In this case, women have it easier in the dating/hookup world (at least younger women, in their teens and 20s). They're not the ones who have to make things happen. They're much more likely to be chased. The dynamic of a date is essentially a man trying to prove that he's worthy for her. This gets really boring, so it's only the guys who challenge her and make her work for it that she respects. She gets extra excited when a man seems like he's trying to see if she's worthy for him, because it implies he has value. He's not desperate like half the male population.

But I still really don't want to underestimate the biological factor. This is really all speculation, and completely unscientific, but I think at the core of it there's something that can't be just a result of society in the fact that women are much more likely to get that tingly feeling for a dominant, strong man and men are much more likely to get it for a young, beautiful woman.

Don't get me wrong, confidence has an effect on men too. We also like charismatic leaders, and a desperate, needy woman is a turn-off. But it's not nearly the baseline requirement for us that it generally is for them.

mugen_is_here · 2012-10-15T02:21:00+00:00

Just like gravity or electricity; we don't need to understand the way and why they work the way they do to use them.

Title	Why is self-confidence more of a turn-on to women than it is to men?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	28
Comments	57
Date	October 14, 2012 1:29 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/11fvpa/why_is_selfconfidence_more_of_a_turnon_to_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-is-self-confidence-more-of-a-turn-on-to-women.1341161 https://theredarchive.com/post/1341161

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