The ONLY Way to Destroy a Fear -- MUST READ!!!

Be Honest.

Fear is probably not something you care to get rid of. After all, fear protects us. Such as the fear of heights and the fear of the dark. And neither of those two are probably extreme enough to cripple you from functioning in life. But there are two fears that anyone would love to get rid of: fear of public speaking and fear of talking to the opposite sex (mostly talking to the guys here).

Fear is deeply rooted in our primitive minds. Fear of heights and the dark protected us from potential death and made it more likely to pass our genes on to the next generation. The last two also protected us in our tribal days. Give a speech that makes the group hate you and you would be left alone, which would greatly increase your chances of death before you reproduced. Talk to that beautiful woman and the alpha caveman might come kill you before you get a chance to make offspring with someone else.

But things are different now.

Fear, will more often than not hold you back from your best life possible.

You know this is true. Your higher level brain functions wants to face these fears, but your primitive brain functions are winning. Don’t let the lower level functions make the better part of you its bitch. The superior part of your brain is “superior” because it can reason and strategize, but more importantly it knows to ignore emotion. Notice the word “bitch” probably appealed to the primitive, emotion part of your brain, because that one only knows how to work with emotions. And that is how low class people function, using that curse word and others to respond to emotions and create them in others. Don’t be a low-life, be a hero.

Think of your hero. He is always cool, calm, and collected. Though his enemies may try to get under his skin, he won’t let them. He uses his head in every situation. In the end, he wins because he is uses his brain.

Don’t let the emotions of giving a speech in public beat you. Don’t let the spikes of emotions overwhelm you.

But you are better than that.

You know using tested and proven tactics and strategy is the best way to beat your problems. You know being systematic is your path to winning. And science is the best friend of the superior mind.

But what does the science say…

Science on Beating Phobias

There is a ton of research on this subject already. Science calls it phobia; we call it fear or approach anxiety.

So far, there is really only one thing that beats fear: exposure therapy (ET).

However, for exposure therapy to work it must be consistent, gradual, and continual. So essentially a long-term exposure program will get you the best results.

Think of it this way. How would you get a badass body? You would have to workout, but what if you lift at your max each time. You would get injured instead of being ripped and you would probably come to the conclusion that you just don’t have the genetics to get a good body. Not true. You just didn’t know how to workout.

Now compare that to the painfully shy person who suddenly has to give a speech in front of hundreds of people. After their anxiety attack, they will probably come to the conclusion that public speaking is impossible for them.

That conclusion above is based off emotion and pain. But use the superior part of your brain to think about it. How would you become a great speaker in front of a huge audience? You already know the answer don’t you?

First you would study the speech until you know it like the back of your hand. Today, you would practice giving it in a room by yourself. Tomorrow to one other person. The following day to a very small group. And the next day to give it to a classroom. Now you give it to the school auditorium.

Sure each time will be progressively harder, but just like working out you increase the weight and your muscles (mind) will adapt.

Remember for exposure therapy to work it must be consistent (day after day), gradual (slowly increase the intensity each time), and continual (if you take a break expect some slide back).

This is the strategy we’ll use to outwit your primitive brain. Remember stay cool calm and collected like your hero. Just consistently apply the formula and you will get results.

Specifics on Approach Anxiety

So I’ve met guys who could care less about the nervousness they get from public speaking, cause it is something they never plan to do. And care less all their others fears except for one…talking to a girl.

Some guys out there would give their left arm if they could only talk to a girl and ultimately get a girlfriend. Which from an evolutionary perspective does make sense. Reproduction is ultimately more important than one of your arms.

Let me warn these guys: you will try to apply exposure therapy and you will fail at first.

Why? Well it is like reading a book about how to make a super popular blog…you follow the advice, but your blog goes no where. The book’s tips and trick were correct, but you just failed in applying the advice properly. Even though you did try to follow it to the letter.

The problem is everyone’s situation is unique and you will face unique problems in applying the principles correctly. Unfortunately, I can’t write a single blog post for every single person’s life situation. But I can tell you about my life and my errors so you can help to avoid repeating them.

After reading about the whole pickup artist stuff, I decided to go out and approach. Only I didn’t. I would go out weekend after weekend to the malls for day game and to the clubs for night game. Only I would just stand around. I would memorize a canned lined, but couldn’t deliver. I told myself just to say hi to that girl passing by…but I couldn’t will myself to do it. Once in a blue moon I would have a very slight conversation (if you can call it that) with a girl. Progress? I know now the answer to that is a no.

I gave up and paid an arm and a leg to a coach. And I approach what felt like 50 girls that day. All my fear was gone! So I thought. The next day on my own I approached…only two girls…very awkwardly. And the next: zero.

What happened? I ended up going back to my old habits. Even though I would save up for another coaching session or bootcamp, I would very quickly get back into my old route. It wasn’t until I apply exposure therapy correctly did things change.

Before we go there let us cover what I did wrong in the situation above.

First, only approaching on the weekends is NOT consistent enough. Remember being consistent means doing it day-after-day. Nor is it continual. After five days, I easily slide back to the starting line from the mountain that is approach anxiety. At a minimum you need to do five days in a row. Seriously, what body workout routine exists where you only workout two days a week. NONE. Apply the same principal with beating your fear.

Saying “hi” to random girls is not a baby step (i.e. small enough to gradually get into it). You have to gradually increase the climb. Saying hi may seem like the smallest step you can take. It is not. Why? Cause it is weird. Saying hi to random people you don’t know is weird unless the situation calls for it (say a networking event). Sure some guys say to girls that they look beautiful and wanted to say hi, but that is different. They have an excuse to say hi…because they find them physically attractive. And sure jogging by someone you might say hi or give a head node…but why on earth would you do that walking by someone in the mall. It makes no sense.

Instead, do something that is more logical. That will always be a small baby step to take. So what would logically make sense to talk to someone random in the mall? My favorite one is to ask for directions or even asking for the time (if they ask say your cell phone died). Instead of looking at the mall map, asking someone walking by where the Dillards is; be it a hot girl or a hot mom. ;)

Paying a coach for a day is not continual. If you experience something out of the ordinary…your mind will treat it like out of the ordinary. When I approached 50 girls in one day my mind just treated it as something unusual so when I got back home I did my old routine. Going to more boot camps and coaching didn’t change this.

The thing that finally turned it all around was when I read about exposure therapy. I started to go five days out of the week, started to ask for directions and other things that made logical sense in the situation, and stopped paying for these coaches who were just interested in my money.

I hope this helps in getting rid of your fear. Remember, there is more to life than your fear, but your fear is locking you out of your destiny. Open the gate called fear to your best life possible.

All the best, Mark

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