Guys who had bad/no father figures: How did you deal with it regarding your view of masculinity?

Big_TX · 2016-07-28T11:59:58+00:00

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IZZIT_ALIVE · 2016-07-28T14:00:14+00:00

It took a long time to learn to be okay with being a man, which sound weird but bear with me. In my early years, In elementary school and after school care/ summer camps, the message i got was that because I was a boy I was some kind of potential sexual harassment freak, i was dangerous to girls in the group. This wasn't just me but the message to all little boys, and the girls were basically left alone. We got talks about what was appropriate to do and say around girls, we got told about rape and stuff at a very young age and I grew up with this kind of shame for being attracted to other girls and it really fucked me up until I was about 17 honestly. Boys are just told to keep your hands to yourself and not to touch girls ever, and girls don't really get spoken to that way unless they're being punished for something specific. I took that personally and I wish that someone would have told me that it was okay to be a man and have curiosities and needs, it finally happened when I met my friend when I lived in Costa Rica and he just pointed out how ridiculous it is to feel shame about being attracted to a beautiful woman. After that it all just clicked and I realized that women actually like male attention (Woah crazy!). Traveling to countries where Political correctness and feminism aren't prevalent helps a lot with that social stuff, but also online resources like RSD and Street Attraction.

AndroWanda · 2016-07-28T12:26:39+00:00

As a kid/growing up I took all my cues from tv shows. The upstanding superheroes and protagonists taught me to be righteous. From college through now, READING has helped me out a lot. Once I had the basic shit down, reading a lot gave me more confidence in myself, and taught me that its ok to say no to ppl, even if they get upset. Nothing feels better than standing up for yourself.

i_Got_Rocks · 2016-07-28T15:19:40+00:00

One thing I learned the hard way: while my mom is a nice person, she doesn't know shit about getting women. So, I decided to start from scratch.

Of course, I fucked up at least three more times in college by taking advice from clueless women on how to get women. Never again.

Make no mistake, there are women out there that could be honest and actually guide you well--but this is not most women, so you're better off seeking mentors that live it.

Via books, philosophy, the internet, and plenty of trial and error, I came to my own conclusion:

Masculinity: MY own code of values that guides me throughout my life.

The general overview is: Do what you have to, even if you don't feel like it. Live by the code, not by your feelings--since your feelings can be easily swayed. Treat others with kindness, unless they're tricksters, in which case, they don't deserve your least attention. And if anyone is in my clan, they deserve the best I can give them, so long as they have the same kindness towards me.

Masculinity is a weird word because it doesn't really have a concensus: Sylvester Stallone is as much of a man as Elton John: because they both live according to their values. They're not wishy-washy and go for what they want in life.

Make your own code and live by it.

but since you're just starting out, try a bunch of other systems, no questions asked, just try them. With more experience, you'll get to where you are comfortable in what you actually believe.

2016-07-28T16:56:28+00:00

Being a man is very subjective as it can be interpreted in many ways depending on your age, value system and cultural background. The relationships between men and women are dictated by their respective energies. Male energy and female energy. Female energy is attracted to male energy and vice versa.

Male energy has traits such as being dominant, strong, decisive, patient etc. Notice all these traits offer a form of stability. Women are attracted to these traits because it brings order into their lives. Women are much more wavering. They are like a wave of energy that needs guidance, this guidance comes from the male.

You develop a lot of this energy by exposing yourself to mini traumas which will toughen you up and allow you to learn more about yourself. This builds self trust and self acceptance (alongside the practical skillset of pickup obviously). The way you pickup girls I think is extremely similar to the way you go about life. If you are entitled and confident you will walk up to girls being calm and knowing what you want just like you go about your life, taking decisions and striving for what you want.

2016-07-28T16:04:14+00:00

lol you don't exactly "deal"... except in a passive, instinctual grab-anything-you-can kind of way. i don't feel like telling this story, it is so wide-ranging in my psyche and life experiences it would ask too much of me for this community i'm not related to.

2016-07-28T13:49:46+00:00

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Liquorpuki · 2016-07-28T14:16:58+00:00

For me, my parents' masculine/feminine polarities were inverted. Mom ran the show, dad was passive. Which means you grow up not really having a male figure to model yourself after. That Robert Glover book is all about what childhoods like this do to a guy.

Personally, whatever was missing, I recovered on my own through life experiences while being self aware enough to know what parts of me were screwed up

NewAndExistingUser · 2016-07-28T17:40:46+00:00

My father just was always talking down to me/ telling me I was a piece of shit and never let me do things. I mean it wasn't that bad compared to other people but I remember him ripping my guitar from my hands when I was 12 and smashing it in the street because I wasn't doing well enough in school to deserve a hobby. I don't remember much of highschool. I lived with relatives for a time because my house was dangerous for me. I remember that I started picking up the pua stuff when I got to college and really liked the ideals in the books. Protector of loved ones, being your word, leading others, etc. I just started taking it upon myself to do things. Started off with posture, friendliness, lots eye contact, like much more than people than is normal even for the community. I then started doing the rest of the techniques on everybody without the sexual escalation, started to find myself making great friends really quickly. I've moved around and changed numbers so much though I feel like I really don't have any friends.

Edit: I just realized this was seduction and not askreddit. So I'm gonna add that I'm lonely, pickup is my main form of social interaction, don't be like me.

jimmiepop · 2016-07-28T17:50:00+00:00

Mentor a younger dude without a dad. Be the dad you (and he) don't have; that role model. Serves you both.

2016-07-28T17:43:11+00:00

My father was a dead beat, I had a foster dad who was a preacher. The one who taught me to be a good man was the preacher, the man who taught me how not to be a good father was my dad. Dont hit women was the moral

jd_tonguesalot · 2016-07-28T20:08:16+00:00

Mine goes beyond just the "Father-Figure". I grew up with very alcoholic people all around me, and several abusive step-fathers. I distinctly remember telling myself from about the age of ten and on that "I am going to be nothing like these people, I will be a better person" I used that to survive until I could leave home at 15. I think it was my very 1st lesson in making myself believe something if you just keep saying it over and over in my mind. I know if I set something in my mind, and say I'm going to do it, it's going to be done. Probably one of the reasons I have such a strong confidence level now. I've always had confidence in myself, just never applied it correctly in dealing with women. I really thought all women wanted romance and love and you couldn't have sex without those.

CleanWholesomePhun · 2016-07-28T23:10:18+00:00

My dad was in the military and frequently absent as a result. I picked most of my of role models through fiction, tbh.

2016-07-29T00:42:19+00:00

I've spent the last 15 years learning as much about the world as I could and tried to be as different from him as possible to discover what I find important. Those things define my masculinity. As it turns out, they're all internal.

kriskringle19 · 2016-07-29T02:04:11+00:00

My dads an incredible man with the kind of heart and character I wish to have when I am his age. That being said, his medical career demanded(still demands) most of his time so he never taught me the ins and outs of dating. More importantly he made very different choices than I have regarding pre-marital sex. Both my parents were virgins until marriage. So, that kinda fucked up any chance of having a dad who would teach me how to flirt, how to escalate, and how to bring someone home.

I definitely wish I had someone to teach me that stuff, because now I'm attempting to learn it all myself.

GSKnoob · 2016-07-29T13:08:03+00:00

Read "No More Mister Nice Guy" this book literally disects this issue, and put your mind set into a better perspective. Helped me a ton, strongly recommend it.

msk_501 · 2016-07-30T09:29:57+00:00

As an adopted kid, I never met my real parents. Not mom. Not dad. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it but it is what it is now.

What fucked me up even longer is the man who adopted me, the man I am obligated to give that title to. From ever since I could remember he'd yell at my adopted mom, my sister, and me. Even at age 5 it wasn't a surprise when he left.

Cut to two years later and my adopted mom passes. Well, my dad had been remarried by this point to a completely narcissistic bitch who hated my adopted mother (they worked at the same hospital). For some reason that's still beyond me to this day, they took is in. And my dad was truly a changed man...for the worse. He was whipped. Like, really, whipped. Stepbitch wore the pants and he became her little slave. It was this for 10 years, from late childhood through my teens. I was more than happy when they disowned me at 17, but not without its heavy emotional toll. Two years after that I tried to make my peace on Fathers day with a card and cheesecake. He told me to "get off my lawn, take a hike, never come back. Haven't seen him since and it was no surprise when I heard he never wanted to adopt my sister or me in the first place.

So, why do I share this? After those seemingly unending emotional waves over my "dad" started becoming calmer I realized something about myself.

I will not become the man he is, or make the same mistakes he did. That realization has to come from within YOU.

Think of it this way. If a shitty dad has any shred of good will in him, he would want his son to be better than him. To not fuck up as much. That's your cue. And if the man is just a real piece of shit...that's your cue. Spite may not be the healthiest way to go about it but when you've come atop the pain, the spite recedes and you will become you. A much stronger you, as well.

One last imparting thought/ question to whoever reads this. I understand how hard it is to overcome bad family situations. I have a paper that tells me my real parents didn't want anyone knowing I exist. The family that I grew up with hated me and still do. For the most part, I'm over it. I am me, and this is my life not theirs. I will never forget that. But then there's the thought of, "Well, shit. What do I tell a potential partner that I have no parents? Don't most girls want a guy with a regular family?" How do I get get past this? Must just be where I live (area that places a lot of emphasis on family), but I don't know how to tell this shit to someone who is interested.

Sorry for the long read. I'm glad to see this question on here for guys like us. Hope my perspective helps.

Thefeature · 2016-07-28T14:41:16+00:00

My father was murdered when I was about 18 months old. Pro wrestling is actually what filled that void. I went on to become a pro wrestler, which helped me with girls. Women love men with passion and purpose.

2016-07-28T21:58:09+00:00

I mistreat minorities. Also, I became a Christian and frequently make homophobic remarks, writing politicians to overturn gay marriage. I frequently visit the local banks accusing everyone of being a Jew.

ROCKSTARMANIC · 2016-07-28T14:57:42+00:00

My father was never in the picture. Don't hate the man or anything but I don't need him in my life. My mom has been everything to me, she has cared for me and my siblings. Im in Uni right now and planing to Grad this fall then on the Grad school. Im kinda slow on how to be a "man" but I'm getting there. ronsoness is totally right about boys not having a father figure to look up to. You learn on your own, thats what makes you stronger.

momosauky · 2016-07-28T16:26:58+00:00

Thankfully my mom was badass. For me I would never define myself as traditionally masculine, not really having a father figure gave me some freedom to create me from my passions and interests. Would way rather show value through comedy than aggression.

Title	Guys who had bad/no father figures: How did you deal with it regarding your view of masculinity?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	40
Comments	33
Date	July 28, 2016 11:34 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4v08vk/guys_who_had_badno_father_figures_how_did_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/guys-who-had-badno-father-figures-how-did-you-deal.1410132 https://theredarchive.com/post/1410132

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