Despite the motivational post by IPr0xy I'm struggling to be optimistic

Right now I am 25 and I've had 2 depressions since I was 13, and also got an anxiety disorder on my 18th. These were very hard times and Prozac (unfortunately 3 professional therapists were not able to help me) helped me get through this. I've accepted this part of my life. Can't say I was the biggest player ever in my younger years, but before I turned 13 and got my first depression, I had good social contacts with girls and several relationships.

However I stayed a virgin and after the depression I lost a part of myself which I can feel is still there, but I can't regain. Now at 25y old this is still the case. I can be a weirdo sometimes and my social abilities are not that great. People sometimes forget that I am there, like I'm invisible. Groups of friends walk away without them noticing I'm not with them. People look away and don't listen when I talk to them. I have this idea of being treated different compared to many other people.

2 years ago I discovered RSD and participated in day-nightgame events. I approach about 50/60 girls on the street and other occasions, got some numbers, had very few dates, but nothing ever came out of it. Not even close to a kiss. One girl suddenly had to go after 2 hours and barely said goodbye. All my best friends never seem to be actively chasing girls, especially not how I did. Still, when they put the least amount of effort into it, they immediately get a girl to kiss and have sex with eventhough they make the same if not worse mistakes than I do. I almost never get any matches via dating apps and girls stop talking when I ask them out. RSD also made me start with meditation, cold showers and nofap challenges which I've been applying for several months now. But hasn't been improving my mood.

I completed a bachelor in biomedical sciences and have been looking for a job for a year and 6 months now. Of the 25 applications there was only one interview and after that I got rejected. All other vacancies rejected me directly via mail despite my affinity with the techniques and projects they offer. Feedback doesn't help. My friends and family find jobs within several weeks. Some found a job after only 1 application. Just like they find a girl after only one approach.

Call me sad, call me pathetic, call me a cry baby. Call me anything you want. I am not able to live with the fact that I have to work so much harder for most basic needs in life. In fact I have to work even harder than I did in the last few years to have minimal results. I lost all my energy and motivation to work so hard for things that don't improve. My view on life is getting darker and darker while the positive periods are getting shorter. I am 25 years old and I am not able to have sexual encounters with women. I am not able to be a normal social guy. I am not able to get work. The mid twenties are supposed to be your most (sexually) active years. But right now my life is shallow and not worth fighting for. There's nothing in my life other people can be jealous of.

At first I was afraid of killing myself. Now I am afraid of not being afraid to kill myself. I seem to be at peace with the idea of leaving everything and everybody behind. The idea that I will get rid of all my social problems, anxiety, frustration, depression and other emotional problems, is very tempting. It sounds like a dream. A male that is not able to spread his seed is worthless. Doesn't add any value in life. He is as good as death. I think I am doing myself and the world a favor by just disappearing.