Okay, I totally fucked up my sex drive, I'd like your advice on how to fix it...

Ojisan1 · 2014-11-06T21:10:51+00:00

[permanently deleted]

FrameWalker · 2014-11-06T21:16:18+00:00

How often do you masturbate? Do you use porn? I'm glad you read sex god method. Sounds like anxiety - which is something I still struggle with from time to time especially with new girls. It helps if I just focus on what I like about the experience - how good their skin feels on mine, how their hair smells. Staring at their beautiful face. Lying against them kissing them will often get me hard when manual stimulation isn't doing the trick.

After doing nofap I've learned that I need to avoid porn at all costs. Even watching a few minutes will harm my erections with women for several days. Breathing helps with lasting longer - long slow deep breaths, go slow when you penetrate.

Goldfulgore · 2014-11-06T22:10:01+00:00

Your problem seems to be mainly psychological.

There are so many problems with your post and your replies to comments here.

You seem to have the impression that sex is evil and a bad thing. You are afraid to show your desires as a man and that is mostly your religion's fault.

I will quote some of the things you said

This was when we started having more sex so I also thought I no longer need to masturbate and watch porn, and I thought that I'm picturing women naked because I watched too much porn and became a pervert.

You are ashamed of your desires as a man.

I also tried to stop myself from "looking at women with lust". (I was never the "follow every woman's ass with your head when you walk" guy, I always resented it especially since one of my buddies always did it when we were going somewhere together, but I frequently would picture women naked in my mind if I saw a sexy woman even for a moment).

Why do you deny your nature as a man?

I read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about that point and understood it's not as simple as I thought. Before I thought "Nice guy" problem is just that people try to be nice to get pussy, and that you just have to stop being beta orbiter and that's how you stop being a nice guy. However, the book opened my eyes to the fact I indeed have almost 100% of the "Nice Guy Syndrome" and that it's way worse than just orbiting. I do covert contracts (like "I'll play Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments with you if you later have sex with me"), I do not pursue my own desires, I try to fix her problems, I try to control her and other people, I have huge toxic shame, I try to focus on her pleasure in bed and disregard mine, etc.

Focus on "I do not pursue my own desires" This is your MAIN problem. The book pointed it out clearly to you BUT You read the Sex god book and your focus went back to her.

You have performance anxiety because you always were focused on your wife's pleasure instead of your own. You never fixed this and you are still doing it.

Put your religion aside for a moment and be honest with yourself. You can't get your dick hard anymore with your wife because you are a MAN and you do not find her arousing anymore. I know you will deny it. I know you think about morality, but morality has no place for sexual desire.

She said "maybe I'm just no longer attractive to you"? She's actually quite plump and not what I'd consider a HB at all, BUT that never bothered me as I've always been more attracted to skin on skin feelings, signs of woman's desire towards me, sounds and face, rather than figure - and I had several women with quite HB too, so I can compare.

Bullshit. No man is aroused with that kind of shit. (validation from a woman during sex?) Men are visual. That's why you get it hard with porn and not with your wife. You are delusional and you ignore your urges as a man. You are not attracted to her anymore, accept for it is what it is.

Edit: I am a orthodox Christian like you. Religion has always tried to contain society with it's fucked up rules. Sex is not evil and you should focus on yourself as a man and your desires.

boxofcookies101 · 2014-11-06T22:25:30+00:00

Like I have also encountered what you're talking about. The drive to just go fuck women is gone. Feels like the sex drive is gone. And I would say take steps to begin to sexualize women once again. Because sexual arousal is like 50% mental man. Make it a unconscious act to sexualize women. Who gives a fuck if your looking at a chick. It's what guys do.

In addition how does blowjobs work? Do you get hard and enjoy those? If so, you could transition from mid blowjob to PiV and then get lost in the pussy man.

Also i'd recommend thinking about your fantasies and what you personally enjoy during sex. And then try to make those things a part of your sex life. Explore your body a bit man. Legit. Hell even try a prostate massage. Also not everyone is a dominant person in bed. If being a sub in bed gets your rocks off so be it.

An addition to losing the boner when going into PiV try just being entirely in the moment. Enjoy the kisses the body on body feel. Don't worry about your erection. Don't worry about shit man. Just focus on the feeling. Don't worry about not worrying either. Just take some deep breaths and clear your mind.

[deleted] · 2014-11-07T07:56:06+00:00

Of course I did good cunnilingus so they didn't really complain

not the same mate

she said it's me doing same thing again, and that she hates when I'm like that, and she'll just wait until I give up like I always did.

she knows you're a pussy. Also sharing the TRP with her, you are living in a fantasy where she gives a fuck about you more than her principles.

she doesn't want me because I don't give her good sex, so I should improve my sex so she wants me more

No, you never where able to do your magic. She signed up for a marriage with a a safe beta that does awesome cunninlingus(yes, that is your job description). And now you are trying to renegotiate. You can't.

(she knows about everything I do alone when I'm not home, I was never a secretive person, so once I become secretive she'll know)

ding ding. so you have no identity, you are just are as emotionally open as a child. You don't feel like a man because you are just faking it, you have no identity or personal life.

But not only I'm Christian so I don't consider that a valid option, I also consider it stupid because well, I don't want just sex, I want a relationship,

DING DING DING, why are you guity? what makes you feel the need to have a patriagal outerwordly protector. Find what stumpped your emotional developent and you will fix you problem. I won't go into a analisis here, but think about when you first had a sexual encounter(it probably was way before you even understood what that was) You are showing a lot of signs of abuse. Have that checked out.

She's actually quite plump and not what I'd consider a HB at all, BUT that never bothered me as I've always been more attracted to skin on skin feelings, signs of woman's desire towards me

Yeah i figured that due to her being used to disapointment, I can tell you that certainly her being chubby doesn't help, But your issues are way more deeper.

I quit my lifelong computer game addiction

Didn't knew that was a thing, people that just label bad lifestyles as addictive never tried cocaine.

She's quite a psychologist even though she does not do it for money

back to the point about not having a life, no, keep boudaries dude, they are very important to developing a identity. She is not a psychologist and don't you dare share your abused history with her.

I can't relax and that's why I can't get erection, and since I both have erection problem and approach sex as a challenge,

You never could, so it's not her feminist aproach of don't be mad just enjoy it and rainbows will apear.

"I have to prove I'm good in bed as soon as possible, and every time I fail to do so I'm only making it worse".

And here you are internalising her bullshit. You SUCK AT SEX you always had, nothing to prove here, now let's move on so we can actually fix the issue. You have a real ISSUE!

She also said that maybe I pressured myself too much with "Don't look at woman with lust" commandment and purged any sexual desire towards women from myself that way. I tried watching porn and no, I can pretty well feel excited and feel lust towards women in porn. Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world.

Gotta love the christian hypocrisy there. Not really dude, christianity is just a value system that works very well on guilt(not negesaraly for doing something wrong, guilt is a reaction to punishment or something you percieved as punishment) striken people, like TRP works on disinfranchised men. Something else broke you, christianity just happened to be the right size bandaid.

bicepsblastingstud · 2014-11-06T21:54:17+00:00

I tried watching porn... I can pretty well feel excited and feel lust towards women in porn. Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world.

No more pornography.

thepillwastaken · 2014-11-06T23:47:47+00:00

Sounds like you have a lot of issues related to self-esteem. There is a lot of stuff going on there. Not sure where to start, but figure out how to deal with all this anxiety. Your post reeks of it. It was a tough read.

Also, stop telling your wife every single thing about TRP and everything else you are thinking about. My god, give her some mystery. Be a man and figure some of this shit out on your own.

life = not a romance movie. You don't have to tell your wife about all your sexual inadequacy. She's not going to give you any real answers anyway.

needathrowawayplease · 2014-11-07T00:27:20+00:00

You have officially spent 1000% more time than the average man has on how to perform well in bed. And this obsession with performance is actually what has sabotaged you currently.

In your post and all of your comments here all you demonstrate is that this isn't about feeling pleasure for you, it's about making sure you are good enough at sex for your wife.

YOU ARE REALLY INSECURE.

YOU VIEW SEX AS A PERFORMANCE IN WHICH THE QUALITY OF YOUR PERFORMANCE MEASURES YOUR SEXUAL ABILITIES AND MASCULINITY.

These beliefs are what is making you have problems.

There's nothing wrong with your hormones. There's nothing wrong with your dick.

It's psychological.

Until you stop putting pressure on yourself to do a "good job" at sex and stop worrying about "performing well" you won't be able to enjoy it. Literally.

Because of your warped mentality, you should only be doing something in sex because you feel like it and want to, not because you think it will give her more pleasure. You need to change your entire mindset and BECOME SELFISH. You are a selfless lover. Too selfless. To fix this you must view her as a sex object and be selfish.

Enjoy_The_Decline · 2014-11-07T00:57:59+00:00

12mg boron everyday, take breaks here and there

5kiu vitamin D

tablespoon of olive or coconut oil with meals

lugol's iodine 50mg+ per day

p-5-p 50mg pre bed

horny goat weed

best natty test boosters

oldredder · 2014-11-07T06:04:31+00:00

Your dick knows better than to screw girls who aren't that good looking even if you don't.

My dick won't stay hard for a girl less than 8/10 hot. It's not porn or lack of it either, it's that I've had 8-10 and I won't settle for less. I could push it but my dick will go on strike, suggest changes to management on behalf of the union & management will comply (8+ from now on).

with "Don't look at woman with lust" commandment and purged any sexual desire towards women from myself that way

Ya, that's brainwashing nonsense: a woman's purpose on Earth is to be lusted by men.

If you can't do that your sex drive must die. There's no gray area.

I also suggest seeing a doctor to ensure your testosterone levels aren't low.

Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world

No, it can't, it's just a snapshot of someone else's sex act. The only reason I'm even stimulated by porn at all is seeing close-ups of girls fingering themselves & NOT letting my brain wander to remembering EX-GIRLFRIENDS when I want to get off but I'm not having sex this time either. The last fucking thing I want is to let any part of my subconscious remind me of an ex-bitch I threw away.

I don't care how good the sex was either, if she was a bitch that's what my brain will focus on.

Sorry to read there you're married. That would be the destroyer for me. I can't settle for older women or uglier women & they all get uglier over time so being married & not cheating would mean destroying my sex drive. No way out of it. I'd have to be a man who can live without sex ever again, yet worse, not have my own space for 100% control of my life since there's a wife in my life too.

Couldn't do it. No up-side for me.

SeekingTheWay · 2014-11-07T13:03:40+00:00

Porn provides variety that real life can't. It gives you lots of dopamine. Refrain from watching it for at least 3 months. You will recalibrate your body.

Humankeg · 2014-11-06T22:23:03+00:00

Here is my advice, and some things that I did that may or may not have fixed me:

work out. Tired and draining at first, no desire for sex. Stuck with it. Stamina went up, I imagine test also up. Not completely drained after a while, and desire for sex way up.
eating. Lots of protein, veggies. Eat healthy. Heavy foods would make me tired and lazy.
drinking. Used to be (still am, but Farley) a heavy, several times a week drinker. Now I drink heavy once every few weeks. I can't handle high amounts of alcohol well anymore, and get whiskey dick or lack or desire any time I drink more than a few. Reduce alcohol intake.
hikes. Hiking and being in nature has been proven to reduce stress and depression and help relax. I won't try to find the link but it has been posted here on reddit. Stress and depression have a negative affect on libido.
reduced porn and masterbation. I used to masterbate as much as seven times daily even while having sex. Gave myself death grip syndrome (look it up). I almost completely stopped with porn and masterbate maybe once a week to try to fix it. Took a few months but it seemed to work. I still watch porn and masterbate, but not nearly to the same amount.
stay motivated and active. Work hard at a job you love. Sounds like you are already there. This makes a person happier. Even if you hate your job, working hard at it and being motivated to improve yourself is huge for self happiness.

I'm sure there are others things I have done that helped or that I will remember later, but those are what I have for now.

bicepsblastingstud · 2014-11-06T21:01:58+00:00

Have you tried brazil nuts? They seemed to make my sex drive go up when I was eating them daily

Puzomor · 2014-11-07T00:57:37+00:00

Masturbation is the problem.

When you have actual sex, your brain connects the good feel you get from it to the act of having sex with a woman.

When you watch porn and masturbate, things are still not entirely lost. Your brain connects the good feel with the act of looking at other women. That is why some guys suffer from premature ejaculation - the sight of a naked woman tells the brain that it's time.

BUT when you fantasize to masturbate. Things get out of control. Brain no longer sees the physical connection between orgasm, sex and the pleasure of actually finishing. When you solo fantasize you mostly close your eyes. Every part of your connection to the real world breaks and sex becomes something your brain does with itself. When you get to physical part with someone else, brain no longer cares for any sexual act this is not strictly psychological.

Masonjarteadrinker2 · 2014-11-06T23:49:37+00:00

Have you been masturbating a lot and watching a lot of porn?

[deleted] · 2014-11-07T04:15:11+00:00

tl;dr

Title	Okay, I totally fucked up my sex drive, I'd like your advice on how to fix it...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	25
Comments	72
Date	November 6, 2014 8:41 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2lid5k/okay_i_totally_fucked_up_my_sex_drive_id_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/okay-i-totally-fucked-up-my-sex-drive-id-like-your.143458 https://theredarchive.com/post/143458

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