How can I get my confidence back with women? Haven’t done anything with a girl in at least 3 years

MetalPandaDance · 2017-11-20T09:12:30+00:00

Well I'll talk about myself. I also went through a massive dry spell of not talking to women. I also jacked off to porn a lot and stayed indoors a lot, my social life was shit.

I tried telling myself to go out and talk to girls, but only rarely did one or two approaches every now and then if I got the courage at all.

Then I started going to meetups and just socialising with people. I decided I wanted to fill my life with fun activities at least so I wouldn't be so bored. Eventually I found a group of friends and was invited into a private chat of about 6 people, some girls in there too.

I decided I was gonna take risks with the girl I like coz I never do. So I did. Then things went well, and actually hooked up with this girl, my confidence went up a bit. I realise however each time she withdrew I got really needy and insecure. We weren't in a relationship so I couldn't tell her not to talk to other guys, but I still got hurt. That gave me a massive motivation to start talking to other girls so I would be more secure with this girl. And now I am starting to head out more and talk to girls while also seeing this girl and my friends.

Hope that helps you. Maybe you could follow a similar path. Make friends first, avoid porn, build some self-esteem, then start taking risks with girls.

yargdpirate · 2017-11-20T14:31:28+00:00

Honestly I would just find something (non-solo) that you're going to enjoy even if you don't meet a girl. Then if you do, great have a good time. If not, great you had a good time. For me, those activities are along the lines of movies or food. Volunteering is a good start if you don't know what works for you.

Radicalmattitude1 · 2017-11-20T17:19:26+00:00

Think of yourself like a team that had a good playoff run last season but now is playing awful. There's no point in thinking about the glory days and trying to recapture that. You have to build yourself up again and make something magic happen at this new point in your life. Iv had similar experiences where I have unusual difficulty getting laid. My game doesn't get better until I realize how awful it actually is and accept the place where I'm at. Once you allow yourself to have that objective viewpoint instead of focusing on the past, that's when you will be able to learn and make the necessary changes.

MonoXideAtWork · 2017-11-20T18:52:19+00:00

Go hang out with older women, and be honest about your in experience. You'll make your way back to women your age, and they can't possibly spook you.

2017-11-20T18:27:23+00:00

I don't have advice for you, but if I went out with a guy and he told me that he'd taken a break from dating for a few years because he broke someone's heart and he wanted to make sure that didn't happen again that would be strong evidence to me that he puts thought into dating and I would like that about him. Conversely, if a guy told me that I make him anxious by just existing and that my opinions are enough to make or break him, I'd get out fast and look for someone more comfortable with themselves. I guess... it seems to me that you could re-frame your situation in your mind a bit and turn it into an advantage. Nothing about the situation is 'fucking sad'. It seems pretty common for younger guys to be afraid of women, which is evident based on all the posts from guys here who have very similar issues.

2017-11-20T22:51:10+00:00

Go to the gym. I find that everything else the same, I'm immensely more confident if I've been working out and look better.

2017-11-20T23:27:20+00:00

You just need that one girl to get you back in the right mindset. You havent been with a girl in 3 years so you think you dont have it in you or “you lost it”. I promise you its still there my dude. As soon as u can get yourself on a date with a chick it will all come back immediately.

thewaterb0yy · 2017-11-21T02:23:35+00:00

Check out the Art of Charm. They have a solid website and their podcast is incredibly helpful for me :)

reddbloodcell · 2017-11-21T02:44:54+00:00

Hey Nolan, I just want to tell you straight off that you’re not the only one who feels this way and it’s not the end of the world. You’re only 22 which is not that old so get over yourself. There are plenty of guys much older than you who are still virgins.

That being said, I was a lot like you in high school. Sure I wasn’t a virgin by graduation but that makes me an outlier not the standard. Every high school guy is an idiot when it comes to girls and it’s a miracle that girls even want to date us at that age. It’s actually easier to get with girls in high school because they’ve had less life experience than older women and they’re more open to giving young idiot guys a chance.

However, as women get older and have more life experiences, their standards increase, especially when they’re in their early 20’s and are at the peak of their sexual desirability. You’re competing against guys who are older, taller, richer, better looking, and more experienced than you. I don’t mean to say this to discourage you but I don’t want you to be in denial about what it takes to get with women.

With that said, here’s the first step toward getting more women:

Start taking your personal life transformation seriously.

What I mean by that is, approach your life as if it were a project that requires certain steps you have to take in order to reach a desired outcome.

Getting women is not your goal: it’s a byproduct of feeling good about yourself. In order to get there, you have to work on the things that are within your control.

By no means is this a comprehensive list but here’s just some of the things you can do starting now to get to where you ultimately want to go:

Exercise every day. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, bike, whatever, as long as you’re doing something physical each day. Eat healthy, don’t eat crap. Read “The Game” if you haven’t already. It’s a good primer for understanding pick-up. Read lots of books. It’ll make you a more interesting person and you’ll have stuff to talk about with people. Listen to podcasts. There are lots of free dating advice podcasts out there and you can listen to them while you’re working out. Do stuff that interests you. If you don’t know what you’re interested in, try out as many things as possible until you find something you like. Bonus if it’s something that you can meet women doing. Find other guys who have similar goals to you. These will be your “wingmen.” (They’re hard to find: I haven’t even found one in my own city yet but keep your eyes out.) Force yourself to go out and talk to one new person every day. Pay attention to body language. Learn how to have conversations. Start doing online dating. Use Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/OKCupid/Match. If nothing else, it’s good practice for talking to women.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. So before you go forking over thousands of dollars to some so-called “life coach” who will probably just sell you snake oil and false hopes, see what you can accomplish using the infinite free resources available to you and on your own first.

This change isn’t going to happen overnight but if you’re disciplined and don’t make any excuses for yourself, you’ll get there.

And PS, stop defining yourself as a virgin. You’re more than that so start recognizing your other qualities that make you unique.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-11-21T04:13:37+00:00

Pay attention as you read through my reply. All the arguments I'm supplying against your negative views, are the same sorts of things you ought to be working to come up with inside your own mind. But will you do this? Or will you fight to stay sad? Make a choice and read on.

____1____

unfortunately stayed a virgin this whole time

This is not unfortunate. This whole shitty meme that we need to lose our virginity in high school, is one of the most damaging ideas around.

High school is a fucking shit show. Getting through it without complicating your life with the whole mess that can come from your first time having sex and all the feelings that can result..... There's nothing wrong with doing it at your own pace.

____2____

EVERY girl I showed interest in or saw say when I was around 16-18 years old got so clingy to me and they always seemed to fall in love with me I think I broke a few hearts just being a young idiot who didn’t understand women.

Let's look at what you're really saying here.

You seem to look at this as if YOU screwed up. How about this, why aren't you seeing this as if the girls fucked it up? They got clingy, and insecure as fuck. And somehow in your mind, you think you broke hearts and didn't understand women.

How about this..... those girls didn't understand themselves. And if they were falling in love so quickly, it wasn't with you, it was immature GIRLS falling in love with a figment of their imagination.

How the FUCK is that your fault? You didn't miss opportunities there, you dodged bullets. Cut yourself some damn slack and allow yourself the ability to see the past with a little more nuance. We all make mistakes, but other people aren't saints.

____3____

So let’s fast forward, I just turned 22 I haven’t gotten with a girl in at least 3 years... I know fucking sad isn’t it.

I've had dry spells that were just as long. A lot of people have. That's just life.

____4____

I can’t go back and change it now. Even just thinking writing this it’s making me feel sad

This is about the narratives you are choosing to define your life with. Life is complex. It's a mixed bag. There is no paradise on Earth. Not really unless we choose to see it. Regardless, there are always voices in your head that supply suggestions for a negative or positive view of the world.

You are choosing to listen to the negative voices. This leads to a change in your brain chemistry and contributes to you isolating yourself and making shit worse. You change it by fighting the negative voices in your head and by getting your ass out the door and socializing if you have to drag yourself kicking and screaming to get it done.

____5____

So what I’m trying to get at is how can I get my confidence back with women?

There's no magic cure. It's going to take work and anyone who says otherwise, is selling you something.

What you need to do is easy enough to define though. Think about it. Seduction is socializing. So if you want to build the skill set involved, you need to get out and socialize. Socializing with mixed groups of men and women will help.

What you need to do is add some variety to your social life. Get out there. And there are so many options:

Hash runs. Trail running + beer + fit people = win
Couchsurfing meets. Hang with travelers and people who like to be around travelers.
Social partner dancing. Salsa, Tango, Lindy hop, West coast swing, etc. You really can't go wrong. Learn something fun and have an excuse to be close to a girl in a fun and non-threatening way. Also, you're going to learn how to get comfortable being in close and touching a girl and learning how to know when and how they like being touched.
Download the Meet-up app. Scan for groups near you that you share an interest with.

Lambdal7 · 2017-11-20T19:03:45+00:00

Confidence comes through competence. That means, you can only really do so much through mindset. If you want your confidence back with women, you need to get out there and approach a lot of women. Try 100 over the next few months that you find attractive, that's doable.

This will get you 10+ dates and a few sexual encounters. This will get you confidence with women.

MahNilla · 2017-11-20T15:16:36+00:00

How many female friends do you have in general? Start hanging out with girls in a non-pursuing way and you'll click with someone eventually.

Edit: seriously, the best way that I've regained confidence with girls is to have a non-sexual relationship with one. I've gained a few great friends that way and they've helped my confidence more then a lot of my guy friends. Plus you can ask them blunt questions about a female's perspective on a variety of issues

Title	How can I get my confidence back with women? Haven’t done anything with a girl in at least 3 years
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	79
Comments	30
Date	November 20, 2017 8:59 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7e7l9j/how_can_i_get_my_confidence_back_with_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-can-i-get-my-confidence-back-with-women-havent.1437151 https://theredarchive.com/post/1437151

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