Vulnerability gets a bad rep. So many people believe that being vulnerable is the same as being weak; the same as allowing people to hurt or have the ability to impact how you feel on a day to day basis, but true vulnerability is anything but. The point I will make today is that true confidence and comfort in yourself mandates a certain amount of vulnerability and I plan to give hypothetical scenarios and examples that demonstrate what I mean. I also hope to give you practical applications for practicing confident vulnerability.

Being Open

Ive recently started a blog where I am open about the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum. That’s because I accept that it is simply who/what I am. It’s a part of me. No amount of medication, therapy, substance abuse, bench presses, or anything else I could do to make myself feel better about it and it took me far too long to accept that. Instead what I’ve chosen to do is be open about it in hopes that the stigma of it that’s prevalent in popular culture today is, if nothing else, diluted to be less accurate and more accepted.

For the practical effects of it, my family and friends have been far more accepting and supportive of me since being open and honest about it. This isn’t to say that they ever weren’t, just that the quality of those relationships has increased. Being open and vulnerable with how you’re feeling in a conducive way lets people know that you value them, that you value their insights and thoughts. When people feel valued by you, they value you in return.

Vulnerability is Attractive

Imagine that you’ve followed my advice on dress, fitness, dieting, in my blog and you’ve met that pretty girl in the coffee shop and you’ve asked her out on a date or out for a drink or whatever else you have planned. She says yes and smiles wide. You’re in. But what do you say to her to get the conversation started? What do you say when she asks you something? A lot of men view conversation as a simple information gathering exercise. She asks this, you say that, etc. The thing a lot of us have trouble understanding is that conversation is very much an emotional exercise, where the person you’re talking to is trying to figure out who you are and if you’re right for them. Here’s a sample conversation Her: “So what’s your favorite movie?” You: “Horrible Bosses” Her: “Why?” You: “It’s funny” Reading that was a little painful right? Her understanding is that you’re not interested in participating in the conversation or are intimidated by her in some way. The latter may very well be true. But do you really want to have interactions with this that have no real depth? Instead try to model the following: Her: “What’s your favorite movie?” “Horrible Bosses, my brothers and I had a little tradition growing up called ‘Bro Day’ where we would go see a movie and get something to eat!” “Oh wow! Did they like the movie too?” “They loved it! We had a lot of fun doing that together; it meant a lot to me.” Showing vulnerability like this gives the person you’re talking to insight into who you are. They feel more comfortable around you. When someone feels comfortable around you, they are much more likely to find you attractive. An important note to make is that you don’t want to tell sob stories to gain pity. Talking about your abusive parents or that time your ex cheated on you isn’t going to make the other person feel more comfortable with you; it’s going to make them pity you and feel sorry for you. You don’t want that.

Vulnerability in Friendships

In my line of work, being open and honest about my struggles and weaknesses with my coworkers is necessary, bordering on critical. I’m happy to report that my coworkers are also some of my best friends. We talk about our families, our relationships, and where we struggle in the classroom. Frequently, I go to them and share with them praises of something that one of our students did so that they know what they’re capable of in their history class. I also share with them anytime I have behavioral issues from one of my students in the hopes that they can give me feedback on how I can handle the situation or they can spill the beans on anything that may have happened earlier in the day or at the individual student’s home.

Vulnerability at Work

I’m going to get some flak for this one but to hell with it. If you are in a supervisory position at work, whether it be as a classroom teacher, an office manager, or something else where you are charged with supervision of people, I can’t stress enough the importance of showing a degree of vulnerability to them. I frequently admit to my students that I don’t know something, including things about the subject I teach. It’s important to me that my students know that I am merely a man. Yes, they look up to me and are dependent on me to a degree for their grades and teenage life advice, but they also know that I am not the expert of everything. I’m also open with them about upcoming life challenges. For instance, I may have to have surgery on my eyes in the coming months. They’re aware of this, and they have been nothing but kind and graceful about it. We may have also exchanged the occasional pirate joke but that’s how we operate. I’m also open and honest with them about my interests. I was once a gawky gamer kid but I am also an avid weightlifter and deeply into fitness, giving me a wide range of subjects to connect with my kids on. A couple of years ago, I had a solid clique of students which adored talking about Dragonball with me. Those kids that I have built these types of relationships have consistently worked harder for me and more confidently for me than those that I haven’t been successful in doing that with.

Impact of Vulnerability

I’ve spent so much time today talking about different situations in which vulnerability can help you because I firmly believe that a degree of vulnerability is necessary in having true confidence in yourself. Not caring about what others think of the things that are truly a part of you betrays a sense of self value that will broadcast your comfort with yourself like few other character traits will. Demonstrating the kind of vulnerability that I’ve discussed today will increase the depth and quality of all of your relationships and ultimately make you more approachable, and therefore, more attractive.

Very Respectfully, Darrell