I broke up with my boyfriend because the relationship isn't progressing and I don't think I will ever be able to give him my full trust in the future the way I should. Now I'm having second thoughts on if I overreacted and wonder if this is fixable.

damascenarosa · 2024-04-06T21:41:13+00:00

If you wanna take my non-red pill advice:

Both of you need to have more empathy for each other.

It sounds like he was future-faking you and couldn't keep his word nor communicate his decision in a compassionate and comprehensive way. But it also sounds like you were trying to take control of the pacing of your relationship because you felt betrayed in some way after you communicated your concerns and instead of giving him the freedom to show you he actually cares and deserves your trust&time - through tangible effort, gestures, communication, everyday actions - you found temporary comfort in distance to avoid the emotional pain. And so did he.

If you can give him the freedom to come to you and be the man he promised to be out of his own free will, then give your relationship another chance.

CountTheBees · 2024-04-06T23:24:25+00:00

In my opinion, you were correct in diagnosing that his lack of future talk was a bad sign. If a man is truly excited about the future with you, why would he want to delay that to do other things? The answer to that question comes from one of your own comments - you put restrictions on what he could do inside his own home - like not having all day gaming parties with his friends.

this includes even sitting on the couch with friends playing video games). I've definitely made it clear before I wouldn't want that for a whole day in my living space

I think that attitude could have cost you your relationship.

When you're starting a new relationship or getting back together with this man, you need to weigh up - is it more important that I get my way, or more important that we stay together? Because you putting restrictions on his life and what he can do is most likely why he delayed being closer to you.

Whether he stays/progresses in that relationship depends on whether his love for you can overcome his love for freedom/hobbies.

Why make it hard for him to love you? Why do you have to make it you vs the hobbies? Isn't it easier to just take up a hobby of your own that day or go see your friends? Allowing him more freedom to be who he wants to be with you will make your relationship easier.

Jenneapolis · 2024-04-06T23:32:38+00:00

I think you have to take it at face value. He doesn’t want any of that right now. What you know is that he says he doesn’t want to be married until his early 30s and he wants some freedom to live on his own and enjoy life for the next few years responsibility free. The impression I get is that he’s just happy with how things are, he’s not even thinking about marriage yet. If none of his friends are living with partners or married, it’s probably not on his radar.

You cannot force him and the more you try to force his hand, the more he’s going to pull away. I honestly think moving in with him would be a bad idea anyway because right now you’re pushing to move in, but the next thing will be your pushing for is an engagement. I would hate for you to move in and still be unhappy that things don’t progress.

You have to do the risk assessment of your options. The one is stand by him for another two or more years not knowing if he will come around. Or you can break up and explore other men. Is he worth the risk of waiting around to you?

I sincerely believe that as women we know in our hearts the men who really want a family and kids and the ones who don’t. Sometimes we try to turn those men who we think don’t into ones who do. The men who want family and kids will talk about it a lot, even if they don’t want it immediately. If a man is really never talking about it, or only saying he wants it in response to you bringing it up, he probably doesn’t want it that much or yet, or is a guy that just assumes it will happen for him without his focused effort (and I just saw an article about lots of those men who end up without children). I guess my point is, I think you know in your gut if he just needs a little more time or if he’s just not into it. And to me this sounds like a guy who is just undecided. Doesn’t mean he won’t come around, he could, but he also could not.

BudgetInteraction811 · 2024-04-06T23:46:03+00:00

No, you did the right thing by breaking it off. A man who sees a future with you will actively talk about it, not shy away from discussing it. And at 26 years old and 4 years in, he’s old enough and mature enough to move in with you but is avoiding the topic.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-04-07T08:45:06+00:00

DON'T.

MOVE.

IN.

WITH.

BOYFRIENDS.

Your goal here should be to meet his "wifey" criteria and become engaged. Then you can talk about the logistics of moving into and intertwining finances in relationship to engagement.

I thought I would let him lead when it comes to our future and timeline.

Why? This is a VETTING POINT. Not a submission point. If you don't vet for someone for goal and timeline compatibility, you end up being bf and gf for ten years.

I'm thinking now I could compromise and say he could show me he's serious about the relationship if we get engaged within the year of living with each other, but at the same time it feels unnatural to lead him this way and for it to not be his idea.

Explaining to him what you consider a reasonable timeline and then asking how he feels about it is not you "leading" here. It's just actually communicating. For example, "I wanted [two, whatever] pregnancies to not be geriatric pregnancies, and I want to be married for at least a year before getting pregnant, and typically engagements are a year before the wedding, etc." Walk him backwards. It sounds like he hasn't been thinking about this from a woman's point of view. A lot of men are clueless about the best ages for women to have kids to avoid complications or don't think about the length of time and engagement typical for normal wedding planning.

If you walk him through your timeline thoughts and he's resistant, then you have the answer as to whether or not you've got timeline compatibility. It sounds like you've possibly already done this and been accused of trying to plan too much, which also gives you an answer.

But if you broke up with him before this talk, you broke up prematurely. Whether or not it's salvageable depends on whether you're broken HIS trust at this point. It would be reasonable for him to question how serious he can be with someone who breaks up prematurely.

indigo_pirate · 2024-04-06T21:57:45+00:00

Do your ages play a role here?

Have you allowed yourself to hear his inner reasons for not wanting to make the next steps.

If you really belief he is practice gf-ing you or future faking from the bottom of your heart then you gotta leave. If he’s just a bit young and unsure then stick it out

Efficient-Fruit3105 · 2024-04-09T03:37:23+00:00

3 years and not even a proposal? Girl, you're wasting your time. This is the reason why so many women date multiple men at once. You never know if a man will commit or not no matter how good he might seem at the start. Clock is ticking for us ladies whether we like it or not. So please stop wasting even three months to a year on men who are commitment-phobic.

And don't ever have sex with a man with the hope that it will make him commit. Have sex if you want to feel good, but not because you want commitment. Mutual enjoyment is so much more logical that dangling your own body to manipulate a man to commit. It usually doesn't work.

AutoModerator · 2024-04-06T21:18:12+00:00

Title: I broke up with my boyfriend because the relationship isn't progressing and I don't think I will ever be able to give him my full trust in the future the way I should. Now I'm having second thoughts on if I overreacted and wonder if this is fixable.

Author asoftepilogue

Full text: tldr; We said we wanted to move in together after 3 years of being together and then now he says he wants to wait until we've been together 4 years and I ended things because of this and him never wanting to talk about the future or our plans. I felt he wasn't my captain, but now have regrets and feel I could compromise more.

I've (F26) always been concerned because he (26M) rarely talks about the future or makes plans, and I thought I would let him lead when it comes to our future and timeline. When asked I was honest and said at the beginning of our relationship I would like to move in together after 3 years of being together ( and he agreed. He then told me he would not be ready and needed another year (past our 4 year anniversary and 2 years from now) because he has never been able to live by himself and would spend those two years doing so.

After many days of long talks, I said we should break up because he was very firm in his decision, and this change in plans coupled with the fact he never wants to talk about any exact plan for the future or ever seems excited about marriage or children made me feel very insecure in the relationship progressing. I told him I would be okay with waiting another year if he could show me he cared about our future in other ways but neither of us knew what that looked like. We both want marriage first then kids and want this at the same age (early 30s) but it's just getting to that point that makes me nervous especially when he never brings those things up on his own. Whenever I bring up plans he says "not everything has to be planned out to the day we want the same things that's all that matters!" and accuses me of over-planning.

I'm thinking now I could compromise and say he could show me he's serious about the relationship if we get engaged within the year of living with each other, but at the same time it feels unnatural to lead him this way and for it to not be his idea. We had been together for around 2 and a half years now. He had a horrible injury leaving college and wasn't able to do a lot of things and he said that's part of why he wants to live alone for a while and not move too fast to make up for lost time. He was so upset and regretful and swore up and down he was very excited about our future and regretted not talking about it more with me because he lost my trust.

He's going to be an amazing husband and father one day, he's a great provider and has always taken very good care of me and has supported me throughout graduate school (not entirely but definitely helping more than I ever expected him to even). It's just this part about progressing the relationship that makes me feel like things had to end. We have not spoken since the breakup and this was a couple of days ago I wonder if missing him is clouding my judgment now or if he really just was not the type of man I can give my full trust and submission to because he doesn't really care about the future the same way I do.

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