Imminent Separation- Advice Request

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-04-10T15:30:25+00:00

I’ve been told not to be the one to leave, any truth?

Leaving sets a precedent you're taking off and can possibly impact custody. As the man its a bad look. Finally, Kids will remember which parent "left".

It will be quite contentious so I need to have my ducks lined up. What comes first, last? Priorities, etc? Everything from doing a financial audit, asset/crap audit?

things to consider/plan for:

Get an attorney. ASAP. Let them know what you want, all the fiscal BS, custody requests, ect.
Limit your communications with your lawyer if you can. Send ginat emails will a ton of questions and requested materials. Only send things when asked for. You're gonna have to let some small BS issues slide because when she does something that is deemed "not fair/right" sure you can email but its gonna cost you $90 to send it and then another $90 to be told "ok, just document XYZ and we can speak about it later". If you're able try and work out as much as possible with your ex on your own otherwise one communication goes like this: You > your lawyer > their lawyer > ex> their lawyer > you lawyer > you....... and now you've both spent a combined $650 over something that you could have emailed the ex about
If you rely on her family for any support of any kind consider it gone once things start.
If you cover her on your insurance once someone files its hard to change that. If shes working and can get her own you would almost want to drop her before you file. Its a change of life event and she can get hers though her employer. It would be a very bad look if shes non-working and you drop her.
Change all your passwords. Get a new email. If there is any evidence you want to gather do it now (phone records, credit card statements, gps data, emails, ect) because she will change all her stuff if she has not already.
You need to get a new checking account asap and divert any funds you have there once you file, assuming shes working and can support herself. If shes a housewife totally cutting off money will be a bad look.
Remove her from any joint credit (cancel cards) or other accounts. be ready for her to try and charge a bunch of stuff.
Liquide any smaller investments you can before someone files otherwise you'll be splitting them. If you've got 20k in a fedility account turn it into cash and you've got 20k to work with, otherwise you'll be handing her 10k once its all over with.
Be on your absolute best behavior - fake DV charges and all that.
Finally, if you do nothing else - DO NOT DRINK/Use drugs.

Telling her. Telling the kids. When to bring on an attorney, what to look for, etc.

ATTORNEY FIRST. ATTORNEY FIRST. ATTORNEY FIRST. You've got a few options:

file yourself without telling her, have her served, be prepared for her to get an attorney and lash back out
tell her you got an attorney and starting the process/will file but this will make her flip out if she doesnt see it coming.
Tell her you want a div/no lawyer yet (even if you have one) and want to try it simple.

Basically how do I protect my parental rights and how do I protect my future without bankruptcy.

Without knowing your kids age, how much you both make, what you have in assets, its hard to gauge. If you're the sole earner you WILL pay Child support (if kids under 18) and spousal support. FISICALLY things will get contentious no matter what.

You'll get 50/50 with kids barring abuse substance issues. If you cannot agree on the house it could be ordered sold. Gather as much info now as you can (bills, cell records, gps data, emails, proof of ownership of assets, account statements, ect) because discovery can get expenses espically if the other party decides to make it hell.

Once you file, If you can move all convos to email. Dont reply immediately (those replies are loaded with emotion and not logic). Read it and then WAIT a few hours, or a day, before you even reply. Only address the logistical stuff. Flat out ignore and BS that attempts to get an emotional reaction. Pretend ANYTHING you put in email/text could be read in court and communicate as such.

ALL if your assets and debt might as well go into a big ass spreadsheet, add it up, divide by two.

Home value
Home debt
Other loans/debt
investments/assets
car value(s)
car debts(s)
Credit cards
AND retirement accounts - yours and hers, amounts grown over the marriage

Custody and CS stuff will run seperate from asset division and spousal support.

Finally, again, DO NOT DRINK/Use drugs. Stop now, totally, You need a clear head and cannot afford to give them ammo "he's a drinker and I dont feel safe".

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-04-10T12:30:53+00:00

Don’t leave the home and secure 50/50 parenting schedule immediately. Once you have the home and kids secured she’ll basically be disarmed and the rest will be an argument over money and assets which imo is easy street compared to arguing over kids. Typically they think they can throw you out, she can’t but she may try to bait you into an argument so she can call the cops and get you removed. Dont fall for it and record everything. Also don’t think she’s not capable of it, when mine snapped it was like a demon possessed her body and it was frankly pretty scary.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-10T11:44:07+00:00

How imminent?

Don't move out of the marital home before divorce is final. If you do move out, it's the worst mistake you can make.

You should open up a credit card in your name only, then freeze any joint credit cards you have so she can't max out the credit limit when you divorce. And she will if you allow it. Similarly, you need to deposit your paychecks to a checking account that only you have access to. Right before you file for divorce, you xfer half of the funds from any joint account to the account that only you have access to.

Whatever you're paying for today you will be ordered to continue paying during the divorce. So ditch any subscriptions, memberships, etc that you don't want to pay. That includes her cell phone.

If she isn't aware of divorce yet, then you don't say a damn thing to her before she's served. You retain an attorney and file first. Maintain radio silence with her. Even after divorce is filed, you don't talk to her unless it's about the day-to-day caregiving of the children.

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-04-10T10:06:23+00:00

Honestly, it all depends on your wife. She will make it hard or easy depending on her feelings.

Best advice is be on best possible terms with your wife before, during and after the divorce. This is likely to be very difficult.

warwww · 2024-04-10T07:53:16+00:00

Time with your kids is the priority as it’s the first thing the courts will be apt to take away from you as a father. All it takes is either a phone call or a 2 min trip to the police station.

Protect yourself firstly against false allegations of abuse. The rest are just formalities as numbers don’t lie.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-04-10T06:48:59+00:00

First thing is get some legal advice from a good divorce attorney so you get an idea of what to expect and your options.

Title	Imminent Separation- Advice Request
Author	hawaiiscuba23
Upvotes	7
Comments	8
Date	April 10, 2024 5:44 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c0e7cg/imminent_separation_advice_request/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/imminent-separation-advice-request.1514619 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514619

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