I believe that societal attitudes towards masculinity need to be addressed because the attitudes towards masculinity are so contradictory these days. Women want a “strong protective masculine provider” when it benefits them, but then view masculinity as “toxic” when it doesn’t suit them. There’s also a lot of men, particularly older men, who also constantly criticise younger men for being “too feminine”. I myself am pretty feminine and not as masculine as other men are, so I can’t fully relate to men more “masculine” than I am, but I think I have an understanding of how confusing it can feel.

First is the idea that masculinity means violence, aggression etc. As a child, I was very much an aggressive person (though I did calm down and eventually hated violence). But the phrase I hated was “boys will be boys” because it makes it sound like boys are inherently violent just because they’re boys. Maybe men are naturally more physical, I’m not too sure, but I dislike how “toxic masculinity” is now being used to describe basically anything considered “masculine”. Toxic masculinity is supposed to be something misogynistic/patriarchal, not harmless masculinity.

I’m gay so luckily I don’t have to deal with gender roles as much as straight people do when it comes to dating. But I can understand the frustration of many men. Often my friends tell me how difficult it is to date because women don’t find them “masculine” enough. The truth is, many women fantasise of a type of masculinity which is not real. Yes, some women want to be taken care of, but I think many women who want “masculine men” also have a selfish desire in that they want a man to do all the work, including paying for everything, planning all the dates, buying all the gifts, performing all the chivalrous tasks etc. A man has the right to choose to behave that way. Emphasis on the fact that he has the right to choose. He should not be pressured by a woman to be “masculine”. The ironic thing is that if a woman encounters a “masculine” man she doesn’t want to date, he is suddenly a “threat”, someone dangerous.

If men aren’t allowed to speak on behalf of women and decide what their roles in society should be, then why do women have a right to define masculinity? Look all over social media, I constantly see women talking about they deserve “masculine” men so that they can be “feminine”. And oftentimes they make it sound like men are some sort of wild evil animal who need to be tamed by the “softness” of femininity. And people can disagree with me, but I think that many women who want 100% “masculine men” want a father, not a partner. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with traditional gender roles, but there’s no need to shame men who don’t fit their definitions of “masculine”.

It doesn’t help that other men will take any opportunity to criticise younger men for not being 100% masculine. I’m not very masculine, yet I’m still a man. But many men see me as “disgusting” because I am “too feminised” and I am “what’s wrong with the west”. Sorry I don’t want to fight and die in some war, my bad 🙄

But on a more serious note, many people who want to reclaim masculinity as something positive are going about it the wrong way. Men being free to express themselves and not having to be totally masculine is not the problem, the demonization of masculinity is the problem. But when men are pressured to be masculine, that’s just straight up oppression. It’s no different to forcing a woman to act completely “feminine”. All the people who cry about how there’s are too many “soy boys” are damaging all the progress we’ve made for men’s liberation. I get it, some men love being masculine, but not all men do. I want to live freely without being physically threatened daily just because I am different.

Men, don’t let anyone define or control your masculinity. Are you totally masculine? That’s great! Do you deviate from some stereotypical masculine behaviours? Also great! Remember that your masculinity is yours, no one else’s. You are living for yourself, not for anyone else. You shouldn’t be expected to provide and protect for random women just because you’re a man, nor should you be forced to behave manly because that’s what society says. You should only ever be what you want to be.