Background: mid-20's;s, 6'1, 250lb(slightly overweight), wear glasses, black male working in predominately female workplace(office), i have a nerd'ish vibe, clothes are professional but often shabby(not ironed, don't fit well), i go to work unshaven sometimes, and might skip a shower or two(but i load up on deodorant).

I've been raised to be professional as well as tolerate no disrespect, from anybody. I learned a lesson, perhaps too well, from the School of Hard Knocks, when I was fired from 2 consecutive well-paying jobs because I stood up for myself. When a coworker in her 60's(but equal rank as me) kept up a steady barrage of passive-aggressive insults/putdowns which finally culminated in her yelling at me, I told her calmly but very dismissively to "GET OUT"; we had a few verbal altercations after that where I stood my ground and didn't concede an inch. After being written up for harassment(she complained to corporate), i got fired 3 weeks later for "performance". At another job where I was team-lead, same issue, Mother-Hen trys to test me, i don't back down and meet disrespect with equal disrespect, and a few weeks later, fired again, for "performance"

I've never had any issues with male coworkers; respected by all my peers at all my jobs. The only ppl who keep testing me, keep with the passive-aggressive games are women(mostly older, but some my age as well) and gay men.

So I adopted beta-like behavior, a very conciliatory approach. I smile a lot. I laugh to jokes that aren't funny. I nod my head along in agreement when someone is talking. And as much as I hate it, as much as it gives me acid-reflux, I ignore verbal shots that are taken at me, and laugh along to jokes that are at my expense. I avoid confrontation. And, well, it worked. Had my last job for 4 years and got excellent reviews & references. Fast-forward to today where I landed a dream job(ie, ironically due to reviews & references I got due to my beta-behaviour) and it's a few months in. Again beta-like behavior(smiling alot, laughing, ignoring conflict, avoiding confrontation etc), again great reviews, and actually got a pay-raise. Work atmosphere is very relaxed and informal, lotta joking around. And since it's predominately female, there's a lotta gossiping. But after reading the sidebar, I'm sick and tired of this meek, neutered, life and am filled with anger(yes, the anger phase). But I need my job, can't afford to get fired. So please let me know as the thread title says: When does "joking" become "shit-testing", and when does "shit-testing" become deliberate disrespect? How do I differentiate between them? I don't want to overreact and say something like: "Don't ever talk to me like that" if it's just ribbing/joking?

Here are some examples:

coworker A, friendly female coworker in her 20's "Alpharadius, You're a geek....-pause-...but you like sports -pause- so that makes you odd, you're just an oddball"

After I jokingly bragged("who's da man!! I'm the bossman), in a clearly facetious manner, same coworker A dead-panned with: "Alpharadius, you ain't shit" Everybody laughed, I laughed along too but was furious; racked my brain but couldn't come up with a comeback. I just don't know how to talk shit back to a female, once-bitten twice shy.

Some(always female) coworkers(of equal rank to me) question my decision-making and never do that to each other. One day, I had enough and told one particular coworker to focus on her job and I'll focus on mine, but I said it with a raised voice and evident anger in my eyes. Verbatim: "Why don't you focus on your duties because your numbers last week were horrible, HORRIBLE(ie, shouted that last bit). That shocked them a bit and word traveled, as that was the first time i showed anger.

When coworker who witnessed the "numbers horrible" remark "jokingly" called me a sexist. "Alpharadius, you're a sexist". How did my dumbass respond? By explaining and justifying myself to them with examples of how I'm "totally not a sexiest...i supported Manny Pacman over floyd mayweather because mayweather beats women" I know, cringe-worthy, but again, once-bitten twice shy

one time while i was explaining something to a coworker and another coworker wanted to get a word in and I didn't let her,and she said in a raised voice: "Alpharadius, stop talking" and continued talking. Very disrespectful, and I wanted to check her, but what could I say? I would appear butt-hurt and angry. So I just turned back to my desk.

Apologies(i do this alot, every other word is sorry) for the typos and formatting, writing in a hurry.