I love the sun, so I spend a considerable amount of time walking and running shirtless in my city’s downtown during the summer. It’s a mid-sized city (approximately 200,000 people), so, as you might expect, there’s a fair amount of homeless people in the area. I run past them frequently, and they often compliment me for having a statue-like physique, and for my ability to run prolonged amounts of time in scorching hot weather. Consequently (because who doesn’t love a compliment), I've become acquainted with many of them. Now, I’m by no means friends with any of them, but, unlike 99% of the population, I do actually acknowledge their existence.

A few months ago, I decided to wear a shirt in public for once and went on a walk downtown in my nice work clothes. During the walk, I noticed a homeless woman who regularly asks me about my runs. As I approached her, I anticipated that she would ask me if I had run that day, but, to my surprise, she asked if I could spare some cash. I knew that I wanted to say no right away, but I immediately felt guilty for wanting to do so because of how nice she is to me. Despite this feeling, I looked at her and responded with a cold and emotionless “no.” 

I spent the remainder of the walk reflecting on why I felt so terrible for telling a woman who has no importance in my life “no,” and eventually concluded that it was because I was concerned with her disliking me. Realizing how absurd this was, I began to think about the numerous occasions in which I felt guilty for desiring to be myself around other people in fear of losing them, and knew that something had to change because I no longer had any interest in being this kind of guy. 

You see, I’ve been working towards self actualization and becoming a more masculine man since 2017, so I understood that this type of thinking was exceptionally feminine and not something that the man I wanted to become would ever consider doing. As such, I began thinking about ways in which I could conquer my fear of being disliked, and I recalled the first steps I took on my journey of becoming more masculine: developing the courage to approach women I found attractive.  It was then that I realized being disliked requires courage.

Courage has always been required of men

Throughout the years, I’ve observed that people (myself included some time ago) don't like being direct or honest with others, and it is my conjecture that this is due to society conditioning men to be more feminine, conflict avoidant, and because of our evolutionary hardwiring. 

Obviously, our evolutionary hardwiring definitely plays a role in being conflict avoidant, as offending the wrong individual(s) over two hundred thousand years ago could have resulted in someone’s death or excommunication from the tribe, but, ultimately, men have always been required to be courageous since the beginning of time. 

In our ancestor’s evolutionary past, it was men who were expected to defend the tribe from raiders and slaughter saber-tooth tigers. When a country invades another to annex its territory or seize its natural resources, it is men who are forced to defend it. When a husband is laying in bed with his wife and an ominous noise is heard in the middle of the night, it is the man who is expected to investigate it. And while women are technically capable of doing all of the aforementioned, the onus is placed on the man to be courageous because they are more physically capable of violence. Now, while not all situations in which courage is necessary requires violence, it is the threat of violence itself that makes an individual fearful to begin with. 

Moreover, due to society brainwashing men and convincing them that it’s okay to be more like women, that gender is a social construct, and that there aren’t actually a set of behaviors and characteristics that they should exude, you have guys behaving in exceptionally feminine (conflict avoidant) ways. 

Always be willing to lose people

I was deadlifting in my gym’s attic last summer, and a guy (who I would later become good friends with) approached me while he was with two of his friends. He said he noticed my t-shirt (a martial arts shirt) and began  inquiring about my training for approximately three minutes. Then, out of the blue, he asked me a question that took me by surprise. 

I have a few scars on both of my arms that were acquired when I was much younger, and no-one –not even my very close friends – has ever asked me about them for obvious reasons. He loudly and boldly asked me how I procured them, I told him “bondage,” and he then asked if I was into “sadistic stuff.” 

Initially, I was completely taken aback by how rude and inconsiderate his question was. Then, after pondering on this conversation for some time, I actually came to respect him for having the courage to ask me about my scars irregardless of my feelings. I respected him more because he had the audacity to ask me about something so sensitive in the middle of an ordinary conversation. Something that easily could have provoked a negative reaction out of me and resulted in us never speaking again. We were having a normal conversation, and he was indifferent to whether or not I liked him. He was being his authentic self. 

Now, don’t interpret this as me saying you have an open invitation to ask people about events that could evoke traumatic memories, or ones that are otherwise inappropriate – don’t do that. I mean, technically you can do and say whatever you want, just always keep in mind there are repercussions for doing so. 

This interaction, along with several others that occurred and mindset shifts that were internalized, was responsible for me transmuting into a man who is comfortable being himself and unconcerned with whether or not someone dislikes me as a result. Again, I want to reiterate that you should not go around being an asshole to people. However, you should never feel uncomfortable telling someone “no ''or disagreeing with someone to avoid being disliked. Doing so is incredibly feminine and will make you a less capable man. Furthermore, if you don’t have the courage to bluntly tell a homeless person “no” when they ask for money, how will anyone – especially your romantic partners – be able to trust that you can protect them? 

Chicks love assholes 

Women have a dualistic mating strategy. They desire a partner who is capable of protecting  and providing for them, and someone who exhibits behaviors that they deem as arousing (alpha seed/ beta need). These behaviors are similar to those associated with dark triad personality traits (psychopathy, narcissism, and machiavellianism), because men who possessed these traits in our ancestor’s evolutionary past were a better bet for survival than those who lacked them. 

Thus, you can’t expect anyone close to you, especially your daughters and romantic interests, to be able to trust that you are capable of protecting them if you have difficulty saying what you really want to say, or bluntly telling a homeless person that you aren’t giving them any cash. The women in your life want a guy who is nice (not a nice guy), but is also able to activate the arousing asshole traits when necessary so they can feel safe. They want to know that everything is going to be okay regardless of what happens because you are capable of handling business. 

When making a decision, you should always initially be concerned with how it affects you. Not your wife, not your daughter, and not your dying cousins. This doesn’t mean that you always get your way, or that you don’t consider other people when making a decision, but that you are your own mental point of origin. People come and go, and you must never concern yourself with offending others or losing someone for being your authentic self. 

Besides, if someone no longer likes you because of your newly revealed values, or because they were displeased with your response to a request, they didn’t genuinely care about you anyway, and your life will be better without them. 

Be okay with being disliked. 

blog: https://jackedguy.substack.com/