Last night, I watched fight club, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Here our somethings that really struck a chord for me:

Background: I'm 21. College student.

1. "Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction is [the answer.]"

I started monk mode in January. Since I started, I have had a perfect diet. I haven't had cheese cake, cannoli, or eaten out at any restaurant which doesn't post its nutrition facts (and even if they do post them, I still don't eat there, I've only eaten out at chipotle and chick-fil-a since January). I've eaten all organic, and I cook in bulk. My diet mostly consists on potatoes, rice, eggs, beans, chicken breast, steak, ton of vegetables and fruit and tilapia. Actually that's all I eat. And I weigh everything.

I've read every post on LeanGains, read just about everything on /r/leangains, I've seen every Mike Chang video and started Rich Piana and a few other bodybuilders.

I've read every post with more than 200+ up votes on the red pill and seddit. I've also read every post by illimitablemen, and I've been working on CH. I've also read just about every book that the red pill recommend - I've been audiobooking/reading a book a week.

At one point in the spring and for the summer, I was working out two hours a day.

Don't get me wrong, I love waking up at 5am to go to the gym, but when I don't squat more than I did last week, I literally have an anxiety attack. I haven't been able to work out in two weeks because I get really bad anxiety attacks. I still look good, and have been doing push ups to retain some muscle, but I really want to start working out again.

At my internship, I've been busting my ass and working harder than anyone else in the office (well, maybe that's not true, but I'm trying my damndest).

I've done all this, yet I'm still not happy. I'm still not happy. I know and understand social dynamics and subtexts, yet it hard for me to actually say the things and feel the things. I don't feel confident. My confidence fluctuates. I'm able to be bold and the shit for a little while, but I eventually break frame.

2. "You can't control everything."

I literally try to control everything. I have a planner on my phone and I plan just about everything to get the most out of my day. I do this a week in advance. I don't know if this is bad.

If I call someone in my family, and they don't answer. I feel like I can't stop thinking about them and I call them incessantly until they answer because I'm always thinking the worst. This might not seem bad, but I think that subconsciously I am doing this because I want control over them.

I live at home. My mom likes to take our dog out, and sometimes she doesn't put a leash on him. Whenever I hear that she takes our dog out, I run, leave what I'm doing. I have been mid-shower sometimes, and I sprint to make sure that my mom put the leash on my dog. I tell myself that I do this because my dog got hit by a car last year and I don't want that to happen.

If I'm on my way to a store, have anxiety. I have a shortness of breath. I feel like I just want to arrive there NOW! I feel like I'm wasting my time driving there. The minute I set foot in the location of where I'm going, I feel relieved and my anxiety disappears. I know that the Power of Now encourages you to enjoy your time in the present, but I can't get myself to do that. I am always looking forward to the future, and thinking that my life will get better, and I'll have a ton of plates once I start my career and have more muscle and less fat.

I have a ton of real great friends, but I don't talk to them about this because I don't want them to perceive me as weak in anyway.

I have a history with panic attacks. In high school I used to get them really bad. When I started self-improvement I felt awesome. But now my life is full of anxiety attacks. My doctors gave me an SSRI, and I took it and felt even more anxiety than I felt before I went on them, so I stopped taking them. My doctor gave me a prescription for a new SSRI, but I keep making excuses not to take it (I'll tell myself that some of the side effects our really bad and I'm scared of feeling those anxiety attacks.)

3. We're a generation of men raised by women. The last thing a man needs is another women."

My father died in a car accident when I was in high school. I really wish he was here.

I want to be bold, confident, attractive, and successful really bad. I'm not happy with where I am right now. I tell myself and try to convince myself that I want to do this for myself, but deep down I think I want to be confident and bold and attractive to please other people, so that other people will respect me.