My wife and I were having issues. We have been through so much together. From dealing with the death of a close mutual friend, losing a baby during pregnancy, three childbirths, and I even stuck by her when a virus attacked her heart and she was on life support and almost died. I won't go too deep into the problems we were having, suffice to say I have serious depression problems and she did some pretty dishonest things that broke my trust l, and effected my mental health and self-confidence in some really bad ways that were very hard for her to deal with. I stuck by her even through this because I really did, and honestly still do, love her with everything I am. For the past seven years, her and I have lived next door to someone I loved and trusted like a brother since we were 18 years old. This year marked 15 years of he and I knowing each other, and being what was supposed to be the best of friends. I was there for him when he found out he had a son he was never told about, and when the mother refused to let him be part of the child's life. I stuck by him when his first kid's mom put him in jail, and even was the one who called his parents to let them know what happened while everyone else was standing around gossiping about what was going on. I stuck by him when he and his wife and second kid's mother left him and got with somebody else. He was an absolute mess, and when he said he wanted to work on himself, get counseling, and try to get her back and make his marriage work, I supported him and told him I believed in him and that I thought he could do it. My wife also became friends with him throughout our 13 year relationship, including our four year marriage. We even chose one of our son's middle names to be after this guy. During the whole seven years we lived next door to him, she would constantly complain about how he acted, how he treated his relationships and how unsupportive and lazy he was toward his relationships and home life, and consistently said she didn't understand why he acts the way he does. Following her near death experience, she became really angry and bitter, and got more and more distant and closed off the more time that passed. Of course this was all very hard on me. I didn't know how to help her or get her to open up. She wouldn't confide in me, and became increasingly cold in how she treated me. My depression kicked into high gear, and I basically shut down and we started to argue a lot. She even went so far as to blame me and all the stress I put her under for why she had to be put on life support. She told me multiple times she thought we would be better off if we weren't together, and then would change her mind. I finally hit my wits end and told her I couldn't do it anymore, and that it was not good for us and the children for us to continue doing what we were. That was June of this year, we talked about me staying and sleeping on the couch long enough for me to save enough money to get my own place, but I moved out a couple of weeks later because she kept starting fights and telling me how mad she was that I was still there. She seemed like she was in a huge hurry for me to leave.

During all of this, we both confided a lot in our friend next door. He would tell me he believed in me, that I could overcome my depression, and save our marriage. He would tell me things like she was notorious for doing things that seemed shady, but weren't as shady as they looked, and that it would be a really hard journey because she has only ever been shown in her life that you deal with your problems by giving up and running away from them, and that she had a tendency of doing so. He told me he understood my pain, and why I would be hurt and have such a hard time trusting her after the things she had done in the past, but that I needed to move through them and forgive her if I really loved her and wanted things to work.

Once he found out I was moving out, he seemed to flip his entire narrative with me. He started telling me I made her miserable, I never treated her right, that she did the things she did because of who and how I was, and that it was all basically my fault. When I told him I thought about asking her to move so I could stay where we lived, he insisted that I should be the one to move out because it had already been talked about, and that I needed to let her stay there and be the one who had to figure out a new place to live. I even found out that the entire time he was telling me I could save my marriage, he was telling her she deserved better and that she should leave me because she deserved to be happy, and I would never change. I even saw him on our ring camera one day telling her she was stupid for staying, and that I was manipulating her into doing so. I had even told him that I was hoping this could be temporary, we could take time and space away from each other to heal and work on our respective issues, even possibly take it to marriage counseling. He insisted that wouldn't work, I needed to accept she would never want me back, and things were over.

About a month after I moved out, my kids started telling me how mom was always hanging out with him. They were always having dinner together, he was always at her house, and if not, it's because they were all at his. Shortly after, my seven year old daughter told me that her mother had said if she married someone ever again, it would be him because he wouldn't like if she married anyone else. I confronted her and him both about this separately, because my daughter was clearly very upset about being told that, going so far as to sit in my lap and cry because she wanted us to be married, and she was always paying attention to him all the time. When I confronted her, she swore she never said anything like that, and she didn't even know if she ever wanted to be married again. Me and two of our other really close friends went to a bar with him the following Saturday, and when I asked him if something was going on, he insisted nothing like that had been said to his knowledge, and that nothing was happening because I was his bro and he would never do something like that to me.

The following weekend, I asked my kids how their days at their mom's house were, and if they had fun. They proceeded to tell me how they had spent a few nights at his house, even school nights, and that mom also spent the night with them and slept in his room. My son, 12 years old, insisted it was ok because she slept in his bed and he slept on the floor. I asked if he saw the sleeping situation, and he said no, but mom said that's what happened. I knew immediately what was going on, and that I had been flat out lied to by the both of them.

I called each of them, away from the children mind you, and was obviously very upset. They each tried to play it off like it was innocent and just a "Sleepover", but after insisting they stop lying because I wasn't stupid, they each admitted that they were now together, sleeping together, and extremely happy together, and that it was none of my business. I told them both that it was bullshit, and that if it effected my children, it was absolutely my business.

After some more talks with my children, I also found out that they had already been talking to the kids about finding a bigger place to live for them all to live together.

How could they do this? How could she be with someone she had spent so much time complaining about over the years, and said she hated how he acted in relationships and treated the women he was with? How could he, after 15 years, lie straight to my face, insist he would never do something like that to me, and stab me in the back like that?

This really opened my eyes. What kind of person was he really, and did I ever actually know him like I thought I did? I consulted with his kids' mother's. I found out he had lifted the first one by her throat and pinned her to the wall, which is why he went to jail. I found out from the second that she had started doing counseling and therapy while they were together, and realized he was extremely controlling and narcissistic. That he would love bomb the shit out of her to make her super happy and feel good, then turn around and start belittling her, making her feel terrible about herself, and when she was at her lowest and felt like leaving, he would start the love bombing all over again. Two months before she finally got brave enough to leave, she had tried to leave, and he blocked her way out, started punching the floor repeatedly, and yelling at her that she couldn't leave him. He had broken his hand around that time, but gave everyone some story about how he hurt it at work. I found out from her just recently that he had actually broken it when he was punching the floor that day, and that she was afraid to tell anyone what happened. The guy she got with when she left was even something he made her feel like shit about. He had insisted to her he wanted to try and open relationship because he thought it might be good for their marriage. She met this guy at that point after they had talked about it and agreed to try it, but as soon as he found out she met someone, he told her he changed his mind, and that she needed to stop talking to him because she would be cheating on him. Real messed up stuff.

This is all very hard for me. Realizing who he really is, and putting all the pieces together. Finding out from old neighbors that they started seeing him and her coming out of his house early in the morning in their pj's together to smoke before needing to go to work, and that it had started happening only a couple weeks after in moved out.

When I left, she was super insistent on staying alone for as long as it took to focus on her counseling, and become healthy enough to love herself, be ok alone, and be better for our children. She said she needed to prove to herself she was strong enough to do these things alone.

I'm realizing now, he was telling her to leave me and she deserved better and to be happy. He started gaslighting me for her when he found out in was moving, and telling me it was all my fault and I would never be able to fix it. Insisted I move and not her. He has been manipulating her emotions this whole time! Telling her everything she wants to hear, showing her affection and affirmation, and love bombing her the way he did to his ex! I'm so worried now. I am scared for her. She is already on his car insurance, his phone plan, and he is paying a bunch of her bills for her, as well as paying for her to get her hair done, and other things she likes to do. He is convincing her to give him more and more control over her financial situation. I am really worried about what is going to happen when they get a place together and she doesn't have her own home that he knows she can take space or time at.

He moved his wife in before they were married within weeks of his first kid's mom leaving, right after he finished his small amount of jail time. After she left, he was seeing another girl within about six weeks and convinced her to move in with her son because she was in a hard situation. They almost immediately started fighting all the time, and she left. He got with her again about a month later, and they got an apartment together. It lasted a little over a month, they started fighting again, and he bailed out and moved back in next door with the roommate he has that was still living there. Completely leaving her with an apartment and a lease she couldn't afford.

What happens when he shows his true colors, stops the love bombing and starts making her feel like crap about herself. She tends to let things bottle up until she is ready to explode, then she gets really mad and confrontational. So does she fall into his abuse cycle and my kids just get to watch their mother be regularly treated like dirt and emotionally damaged? Or maybe she fights back, things become a toxic environment and he bailed out and leaves her with a bunch of bills and financial commitments she can't afford and she ends up in a real bind and potentially homeless???? This all Hurts extremely bad. I feel broken, betrayed, alone, and now scared as hell for the mental and emotional well being of a woman I still really care for and the children we have together. I'm having nightmares about it, and about them. I am even experiencing things that have never happened to me. I am told they are anxiety attacks. I shake super bad, have cold sweats, feel like I can't breathe right, and all I can do is vomit and cry uncontrollably until it subsides. I really don't know what to do. I can't keep my kids from the situation because he hasn't done anything yet, and I am afraid she will be too scared to tell me when it does. I am afraid my kids will be afraid to tell me because they know if they are ever put in an unsafe situation with either of us, that the other will take them out of it.

I expressed my concerns about him and how fast they are moving to her. I told her how I was afraid for her, and that I really do want her to be happy and fulfilled. I told her I am afraid of what the kids are going to see, and how it is going to effect them. It didn't seem like she took me seriously. She told me nobody sees how much good he and her bring out of each other. She says she is the happiest she has ever been, and has never felt so at peace. I mean really? It only took you three months of me being gone to completely fix your problems and be totally fulfilled and happy with life? I don't believe any of it. She's done enamored with how much love and attention he is giving her so soon after feeling like she wasn't getting it from me, that the honeymoon phase has her completely swept away.

Has anyone put there been through something like this? How did you deal with the pain? How did you cope with the idea that someone you still cared for and wished you could have fixed things with is about to be completely torn apart by someone you found out is an abusive and manipulative narcissist? I don't know what to do. I feel completely lost and hopeless. How do I deal with this? I really need some support and advice. She is jumping into all of this head first, and we haven't even signed divorce papers yet. Do I just worry about myself and my kids and let her go through this? Do I keep trying to convince her? Do I ask his exes to try and talk to her and warn her about what he is really like, and the things none of us saw happening behind closed doors? I just don't know......