I have three young daughters with my STBXW (divorce is all but finalized).

When their mother filed for divorce about two years ago, one of my significant concerns about divorce was the negative impact on our daughters. I knew about all the research on how divorce can negatively affect children in various ways.

My oldest daughter is now in middle school. She has been struggling significantly more this year than in prior years. One of her main complaints is that she does not get the time and attention she needs from her mother or me because her younger sisters are so demanding.

She is right. Before her mother filed for divorce, one parent would be with the child who needed the most attention while the other parent would deal with the other two. One parent would do homework with her whilst he other would handle bedtime routine with the younger two. Now that her mother and I no longer live together, one parent that handles three kids. As her younger sisters need more (younger kids require more attention by default), she is often left to whatever energy one of her parents has at the end of the night.

In text messages to me and her mom and in-person conversations, my oldest daughter expresses her frustration that she does not get the help she needs with her schoolwork and social/emotional issues.

How do I discuss this issue with her mom without making her defensive? It's clear that the divorce has negatively impacted our daughters in so many ways, but this is a pressing example that needs to be addressed. I don't want my daughter's grades to continue to slip.

However, I fear that when I start this conversation, her mother will tell me how hard she tries to be a single parent, how I am not doing enough to support her, attempt to shift that blame to me somehow, and avoid accountability.

I don't want to fight about the divorce. But I do not want her to pretend that her decision to file for divorce is completely unrelated to the issues our oldest daughter is facing. Yes, other factors may have impacted my daughter's academic performance, but to pretend that the divorce is not one of them is not true.

I do not have a solution to this problem either. I do not know how to meet the needs of all three children with the limited time we have each night and weekend.

(I am posting in several subreddits as I am looking for clarity on this issue)