I made a series of bad mistakes regarding infidelity. The guilt was and still is unbearable. I developed quite the drinking problem, I think related to depression and guilt.

She’s so amazing. 8 years of love and support, living together the past few years, getting used to hearing her breathe at night. Then I have to go and become a cheating drunk.

She initially said through tears, “We can make this work. I can work to forgive you for cheating.”

That memory breaks my heart.

I told her divorce was inevitable because even if she could one day forgive me I couldn’t forgive myself. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. She deserves so much better.

She stayed with her mom in another state for several months processing it and basically working through the grief. Now she is doing a lot better. Even if I got on hands and knees begging to reconcile, she has done enough work on herself to not fall into this trap again.

I want to work on myself. I want to be a better person and stop drinking. But even if I reach all my own personal goals, I still won’t have her. So I don’t know what the point is. She was the light of my life and my brain is stuck in an endless loop of “what the fuck were you thinking?”