Background

My wife and I met when we were 19. At 22, she realised she was bi, and we slowly started exploring around 23. It began with just making out with other girls. I’ve always been outgoing, so I ended up making out with women while clubbing (during uni).

At one point, I had a flirty female friend. I told her about the boundaries my girlfriend and I had, and after we made out, she suggested a threesome. I talked to my girlfriend, she was in, and it was amazing.

That friend eventually left (international student), and I tried dating apps with zero success. We shifted our rules: anything was fine, except for relationships. My girlfriend had a much easier time finding women, especially for one-night stands. (Apparently, women are less intimidated when another woman invites them home — who knew.)

Meanwhile, I was way more invested in the whole process — time, energy, everything — and she started losing interest in casual sex, eventually getting a steady girlfriend for a while.

Later, I hooked up with another woman — sex was great, chemistry was insane. I invited her for a threesome, it worked out, and everyone had fun. Then COVID hit. During lockdown, we’d have little “shaggaton” weekends — sleepovers, multiple days of fun — really memorable times. Eventually, she met a guy she wanted to date, and it ended.

When my wife and I were 25, I proposed. Life was good: we checked out women together, fantasised, focused on our careers. But when a few friends found out about our open dynamic, my wife freaked out — worried about judgement and career consequences. We deleted the apps and decided to be monogamous.

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Renaissance

Around 27, the itch to explore came back — mostly for me. After lots of open conversations, my wife was fine with me sleeping with other women, but she herself wasn’t interested anymore: no energy, no time, career focus.

After my first hookup, she realised she felt more jealous than expected. After talking it through, we figured out it was tied to marriage: “you’re mine now, I’m yours” kind of thing. She’s fine with me making out with women but not having FWBs or casual hookups on my own. She’s only comfortable with threesomes — all together.

So, for the past year, I’ve been trying to find the right vibe. I’ve flirted with a few women, but no success so far. A friend recommended Feeld, but my wife is scared colleagues or people we know might see us.

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Questions

Has anyone else experienced this? Has your partner’s attitude toward boundaries evolved over time? Any advice on how to approach this super specific situation? How do you naturally vibe/ask women about threesomes without it feeling transactional or creepy?

Open to tips or shared experiences!

TL;DR: Married, can only explore via threesomes now, struggling to find interested women without apps. Tips?

edit: used chatgpt at the end for formatting and spelling