New to TRP. Been a beta for most of a three year marriage. How can I be nice to my wife, with so much resentment already built up? I really don't like her right now.

Sleep-less · 2014-05-19T22:19:04+00:00

You don't owe it to her to be nice to her. Just because you have a ring in your finger, it doesn't mean you have to be all rainbows and puppies when she's a cunt to you.

That said, being a cunt to her for the past will get you nowhere.

Be aloof with her when she isn't making you happy. This doesn't mean Completely ignore her. Just be neutral.

When she is making you happy, reward her. When she does something you like, for example brings you a beer, get up, give her a big tight hug, kiss her on the cheek (or her neck if you are on good terms) and say thanks. positive reinforcement.

Every now and then, just smile at her for a few seconds. When she notices, look away. When she calls you out on it smirk at her. Then tell her something sweet. Show her the spark is still there if she is willing to look for it.

You are in control.

Be the change the want to see in your marriage.

Don't escalate tention. If she wants to constantly shit test you and argue, learn to combat these in a manner that benefits you. If you want this marriage to work, take responsibility for it. You are the captain. You are in control.

Find your passion for her again. Fuck her like this is the last fuck you will ever have. Find the feelings that brought you together, but show her your twice the man she fell in love with.

Get fit. Hit the gym. Become an object of power. Become insatiable. Create good times. Then the bad ones may not seem as bad. You are in control.

mordanus · 2014-05-19T23:07:03+00:00

First thing you need to do is realize that the reason your relationship was shitty was because you were a beta. Being a beta fucks up relationship and no one can respect a beta male. You don't respect them, I don't respect them, women don't respect them. It is the natural way of things.

So here's the thing. You acted in a way that made it impossible to respect you. From your point of view you did everything right and got shit on, but in reality you acted like a loser and got treated like a loser. You need to redirect that resentment at the way you used to be instead of at a woman acting how women are supposed to act.

So here's what you need to do. You need to make your life about you instead of living to please someone else. Get new hobbies that don't involve her. Take charge in your relationship and if she doesn't want to follow your lead then you leave and do your own thing.

Also never try to be nice again for as long as you live. Instead be rewarding. If she does what you like be rewarding for it. She is already doing the same thing for you and not rewarding your shitty behavior. So you in turn should do the same thing to her. Stop all the compliments or random gifts or hugs. Basically stop all sources of validation until she starts to validate you.

The hard thing to get over is the memory of how shitty you were treated. You get to the point where every time you have a moment with her, all you can remember is what a terrible person she has been to you. I still get shit tons of that with my wife. It does ease back a bit once you start getting her to validate you, but that takes time and patience. If you have any other questions about that path just send me a pm.

JackieBronassis · 2014-05-19T22:02:39+00:00

Why do you need to be "nice"? Be strong instead.

Cruising74 · 2014-05-19T22:50:00+00:00

Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay.

Great starting point and step by step outline of what you should be doing.

Depends what YOU want. A lot of married/LTR guys are always thinking about what their partners wants. Put your self first.

JackieBronassis · 2014-05-19T21:59:31+00:00

Why don't you like her?

bringer_of_fight · 2014-05-19T22:04:30+00:00

Read everything on the sidebar, take baby steps if you start changing things in your relationship. You may find that she will suddenly become a nice girl again if she becomes attracted to you.

2014-05-19T22:14:44+00:00

Go on a long trip. Get a job that needs you to go away, any reason, just get away. At least 100 days. When you come back you can start over with new frame. If not then get rid of her.

Neither her or you will be happy as is.

Invalidity · 2014-05-19T22:58:27+00:00

You want to start on a fresh footing. With what you realize about your wife, you can reconstruct everything by adopting RP philosophies, but then you'll start to see that what you really want isn't going to be her.

PIV_OR_GTFO · 2014-05-20T02:54:45+00:00

Dude, you are three years in with no complications such as children. Why wouldn't you divorce now? It sounds doomed to fail no matter what you do. Now is the easiest time to get out.

HeadingRed · 2014-05-20T16:00:50+00:00

You need to understand that nice no longer means what you used to think it means.

The old version of "nice" got you to where you are now- not liking her. That means divorce, misery or both. There is nothing nice about being a passive guy who lets his marriage turn to shit because he doesn't want to have an uncomfortable moment. Here is your New Nice.

The New Nice means having a strong relationship. The New Nice means taking a stand and owning your own happiness and mistakes. The New Nice is you in control. The New Nice might save your relationship- the old nice is part of what got you to this point.

There is nothing nice about behavior that leads to divorce. Behavior that create a long lasting quality relationship is nice.

You resent her because she is in charge and makes choices based on her needs, not yours or the relationships. The New Nice lets her know that "you've got this" and starts to remove items of contention from the table. I'm willing to bet a lot of the time your answer is "whatever you want to do". If you abdicate leadership on a regular basis you are telling her "I don't want to be involved, you're in charge". Now you are no longer a husband but a grown child in her eyes and she cannot respect you.

Stop being a doormat. Stop arguing for 3 hours over what TV show to watch or who's friends are better. Stop defending what you want.

Start with saying no. Not arguing, not defending, just no. Start with some "I wills" and then do.

And get your shit together and get those DHV's going on- especially when both of you are out with others. Part of the reason she treats you bad is she thinks you are a lock- that no one else is competing with her for you attention. Get your ass looking good and start contributing to the conversation when you are out and about. It's a real game changer when your LTR gets in into her head that you have options and that others are interested in you.

physicalchemistry · 2014-05-19T22:15:51+00:00

Might be better for asktrp but that won't stop me from answering you.

Do not speak it, but if you are fed up with her, she also is with you. - Be prepared to either i) throw her out or ii) prepare a small shaq for yourself, so you can leave. iii) Aquire outcome independence. if you hate / dislike her right now, your marriage is doomed. the sooner you accept it, the sooner you have ground to stand on.

iv) flirt with other women. don't conceal you're married, but don't shout it out. a married man flirting is still stigmatized (double standart much?) but be aware: you got nothing to lose except being ahead in the dating market and making your wife furious.

v) are you nice for the sake of compromise: fuck it. be the asshole you are (or not). as bad as it sounds, just be yourself and don't give a fuck whatever she thinks / says. observe how she acts.

vi) not a fan of lifting? swimming / rowing is also great.

if you suppose something is wrong: write it down. It will be as bad as it appears.

2014-05-19T22:21:29+00:00

There's two things. There's what you need to say, and there's what she needs to hear. You need to talk to someone else first, either a close friend or a therapist, about your resentment. Figure out exactly where it comes from, and why you allowed those events to happen in the first place. Get control of yourself and your own feelings. Once you have that, then you can talk to your wife. Sit her down and communicate what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and what you are going to do about it.

You are responsible for your own decisions, your place in life, and how you feel about. You're the only one that can change those things.

2014-05-19T23:29:32+00:00

Read this classic post by Heartiste.

KyfhoMyoba · 2014-05-20T01:24:59+00:00

Have you read every post on therationalmale.com ? I highly recommend it. Changed my life.

cooltrip · 2014-05-20T18:32:32+00:00

That's really fucked up, since your marriage got built on the premise of your betaness. This is why it is so important to keep the building premise of Red Pill from the beginning, even if it won't get you the girl.

And, honestly, it is not fair if you initially use betaness for achieving the marriage, and then, once married, you attempt to use the red pill. You have to be fair from the beginning.

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