I desire to be a stay at home wife/mom, for woman who have achieved this, how did it come to you? And while looking how did you not get discouraged <18>

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-11-11T23:02:11+00:00

I've been able to be a SAHM my whole marriage and my husband has been the sole breadwinner since we were 21. My husband is a numbers guy through and through. He's all about the data. His mom was a SAHM until he was in middle school and felt the kids no longer needed her around as much. Here's what I think were the biggest sells for my husband, who would've been content to be in a DINK relationship:

- I came into our relationship with no debt, an old car, and about 10k saved. He had about the same. This was instrumental in us being able to buy a house quickly once he got his first full-time position. Interest rates were low at the time and house prices weren't crazy. In order to offset a bad market like we've been seeing in the USA recently, you'll need to put more money down or get a full-time position yourself to help get something you can qualify for. You can refinance interest rates as/if they drop.
- Originally the plan was for me to work a few years and save my salary completely before we started having kids. We didn't end up doing this, but I have always told my husband that I see my role as flexible: I want to be where I can provide value to my family and it doesn't have to be at home. He has appreciated this mindset.
- My husband wants to retire early. This means saving a lot when you're young and living way below your means. That's cool with me, I want him to retire and look forward to when he doesn't have to work and we can spend oodles of time together. I am supportive and active in him achieving his financial milestones.
- I see my role as minimizing expenses. I breastfed, I did cloth diapers, I cook at home, I coupon and stuff when eating out. Most of my hobbies are cheap.
- I'm a homebody. We've been on one nice vacation that I 100% planned in the past 6 years. 1-2 times a year we'll go to a concert, play, or event.
- We discuss how me being a SAHM allows him to focus more on his career. He will never have to worry about taking time off because a kid is sick or figuring out what their plans are for school breaks. He won't have to handle school drop off or extracurricular activities

In all likelihood, my earning potential likely would've been beyond putting two kids through daycare. Staying at home means giving up money I could've spent on myself and it will likely mean a sacrifice for you as well.

Altogether, save a lot of money. Your finances are going to be the #1 thing that gives you flexibility. Be content with living below your means. I don't think you're in the US so I don't know all the options you have to earn money relatively easily but hopefully there are other subreddits out there that can help. A lot of my generation says SAHM is extremely difficult but a lot of my generation is also financially illiterate and/or isn't making life decisions that prioritize financial stability. My husband prioritized high earning potential, work-life balance, and job stability when he decided his major. I thought that was attractive as hell.

Ok_Ice621 · 2025-11-11T22:52:18+00:00

I really think it’s easy only when a man grew up with a father who values/valued his SAHW. There are so many men with SAHM/ SAHW who financially abuse their wives so it wouldn’t even be worth being a SAHM to those kind of men. When I met my husband I was an engineering student and so was he (doing his masters). I really had no opinions about children or whether I was going to work forever and he brought up that his goal was to provide for his wife so she could choose to work or not because he really enjoyed having his mom at home. That was a reflection of his father because my FIL is the type of man who believes a man should work 2/3 jobs so his wife can stay at home if she wants. Of course having a career with a great trajectory has helped us, I also had a career before kids as we took time to build assets so that I could feel comfortable with staying at home but honestly a man with a generous /provider mindset would be open especially with the cost of childcare in this country. If I was you, I would allow those guys to reveal their mindsets on their own and detach accordingly.

vintagegirlgame · 2025-11-11T22:58:31+00:00

You’re 18? I think the men in you’re dating pool just don’t understand the reality of parenting and economics. Most of the time being a SAHM to babies and young children is actually a money saver for the family and sometimes the only economically feasible option. Most SAHMs are actually in lower income families bc daycare and childcare costs are rising at a higher rate than wages!

The phrase “SAHM” has unfortunately become tarnished by bad eggs and the media and feminism. Maybe rephrase it as, “it’s important for me to be fully present for my children and family, so I would want to be at home to raise them.” This makes it more about what’s best for the family than a man hearing “I don’t want to work” and thinking you’re just lazy. Being a SAHM is anything but!

I am a SAHM (6 yo stepson and 2 yo toddler) but I have a couple small side hustles for extra cash and for fun. One is an Etsy shop that I built before becoming a mom, and I currently have an assistant fulfilling my orders so I all have to do is message customers and order supplies. Another is helping to manage some Airbnb type camping rentals (partnered w a friend), so that’s just some hospitality communications and laundry.

If you are building a herbalism business that could tie perfectly into a side hustle you can keep active with the right hired help once you have a family.

sev1021 · 2025-11-12T00:34:22+00:00

I don’t think men around your age will really understand the reality of becoming a parent and the value of having one parent be able to stay home. I would just focus on dating men who have a more traditional mindset.

When my husband and I were still dating and I was a student, he insisted on paying for dates, being the one to drive, opening doors, things like that. We’re in our 30s now with one child and are working toward me being able to become a stay at home mom - I currently work from home so it’s been easier for us than it would be if I worked outside of the house. He’s working extremely hard in his career to make that happen, and is willing to have multiple jobs if needed because it’s important to us. It isn’t something we discussed when dating, and certainly not something he was thinking about at 18. But he still had a more traditional mindset which naturally led to where we are now.

As a side note, people will tell you that you need to marry a man who makes a lot to make it work. That isn’t true at all. If you’re committed to being a stay at home mom you can do it on a low salary. I have several friends who do on 30k a year. Do they go on vacations or have fancy houses? Nope, but their kids are home with them, their husbands work hard, and they aren’t stressed like working moms are. It’s not how I personally would want to live, but they do because it’s important to them.

jennerator543 · 2025-11-12T09:12:46+00:00

I’m a housewife full time and trying for our first child now. Before becoming a housewife i had my own career and was successful but then transitioned to being a housewife after being laid off

I think your problem is no 18 year old man is going to be in a position to properly support a housewife - and you need to have skills and work experience to fall back on or at least some safety net incase he leaves you someday. If anything happened to my husband we would be financially secure but I also know I may need to work and have skills and experience that would let me go back if I had to.

My advice would be to understand the type of relationship you want. And look for a man who can provide that - not just financially but the way he acts and his values.

Me and hubby have a very traditional relationship where he is the head of the house and sets the rules, he’s the breadwinner and we both have very clearly defined roles in our relationship. I trust him in that role because he’s a calm and kind person who’s very good at leading, he’s logical and makes good decisions for us, and he’s strict enough to put his foot down and say no when I want something that’s a bad decision for us.

Remember relationships can change and evolve too. You don’t have to start out being a housewife you can take your time to get there when you’re both ready.

ParadigmaRex · 2025-11-11T22:27:44+00:00

SAHM in this economic era is significantly harder than any generation before. It's definitely doable but like you've already encountered, the only men who want to court an aspiring SAHM are oozing with toxic masculinity or just bad egos. And the men who don't want a SAHM just don't think it's possible to support a family on one income.

You need someone who's basically earning twice the income from the average person (and live modestly) and/or has been blessed with assets that can support a family. The pool is very small. I hope some of the ladies here can chime in to help put you in the vicinity of the things you're looking for.

This is not to discourage you further but rather to express that what you're experiencing isn't uncommon for most women. Everyone is struggling. The good thing is you're still very young and have several years to find someone suitable. Don't forget to practice making yourself happy as you search for what you want in someone else. Wishing you the best.

mistressusa · 2025-11-11T22:58:37+00:00

Your challenge is that there aren't many men who can provide comfortably for a family on his own income. My daughter got herself one, both 25. Her bf has a very strong provider mindset and makes multiple times what she makes (she makes low $100K.) She found him at one of his frat's parties at their tier-1 university when they were both seniors. So you have to be where these men are. For you, if you want someone who is close to your age and who has that kind of income potential, your chances increase exponentially if you are a student at a tier-1 university or a liberal arts college known for its wealthy student body. If you are ok with much older men, I am sure there are more avenues but I am not familiar with those.

HappyGarden99 · 2025-11-12T16:19:34+00:00

I want to provide an alternative without discouraging you from being a SAHW / SAHM without paid work. I was raised by upper middle class conservative evangelical boomers who insisted I attend college and work professionally before marriage. I'm so grateful they set me up with this mentality, which is hilariously seen as feminism to many now.

I'm currently a SAHW who happens to WFH with a 6 figure job. Notice I did not say career - I work on average 4-5 hours a day and otherwise focus on homemaking, fitness, running errands for my husband and I, and my social life. I spent my 20s single and working very hard to prove myself as a diligent worker who can be trusted in remote roles, and focused on several certifications that would make me more money. I have a degree but it's an underwater basketweaving type. I'm a project manager and have been a SAWH for the last 10 ish years. My husband and I moved and chose roles that allow us to live our dream life (example: working for east coast based companies while living on the west coast, or vice versa, and regular business travel to our favorite cities so we both tag along on one another's admittedly rare business trips.)

I did not "girl boss." I've held lead and lower level manager roles but have no interest in climbing the ladder. I love being an individual contributor and mentor, without being a manager. I'm responsible for my own work and the outcomes, and have luckily worked for mature enough companies and directors who only look at my results. In our marriage, my husband's career is more important than mine and I support him by doing great work in my IC role and managing our home.

Men who view SAHW/Ms as leeches are not worthy of a moment of your attention. My husband is grateful every day that I manage our home, shop, cook, do laundry (we outsource cleaning, it's just not something I'm great at keeping up with!) One of the smartest business mentors I ever had told me in my late teens that it takes a genius to manage a home, and he is right!

MacaronNo4677 · 2025-11-20T21:49:52+00:00

Anyone who accuses you of wanting to Leach off them all day when your primary focus for wanting to be a stay-at-home mom is to raise his children is devaluing the entire sacrifice and labor and everything that is required to be a mom. Because what if you didn't want to do this and you insisted on keeping your job well the kids need to go somewhere don't they you're still going to need to take time off to give birth you're still going to need to recover from it however it happens and then if you breastfeed then you don't need to spend money on formula. If you stay home that's tons of gas saved not commuting to work you get to eat your groceries you get some meal prep my mom was very frugal about this and what she did was she would have the neighbors kids come over and get paid to watch them as well and she would use cloth diapers so by staying home she was not only able to earn an income but drastically reduce how much money needed to be spent which increased how much could be saved.

If a man thinks that you are after his money because he has no idea the cost that are required for a woman to remain in the workforce and have kids and pay for daycare which is not ideal.. that shows that he is approaching dating and women in general with an attitude of suspicion and distrust and his heart will not open up fully to any woman whether she has a job or not.

Basically if a guy is looking for a reason to become offended or to find fault in you he just knows that he can't show up fully and value you or support a family at this moment and he's going to keep coming up with excuses for why relationships don't work to avoid being accountable

Dionne005 · 2025-11-12T00:20:12+00:00

I’d never plan it. I’m a stay at home but not by choice. I think every woman will become one eventually for a chapter in life but you better become a skilled woman. When it comes it will come just get a good man.

AutoModerator · 2025-11-11T22:00:09+00:00

Title: I desire to be a stay at home wife/mom, for woman who have achieved this, how did it come to you? And while looking how did you not get discouraged <18>

Author raechaelo

Full text: I have been vetting out my dating pool for a while now with guys who say yes or no to the life style I strive for But its starting to get difficult because many of the men who say yes have shown a very deep insecure level of control of me early on or have been very very toxic.

While Many of the men who have said no have said that its just not needed in today's world or to stop putting gender rolls into it. I have even been told that I just want to leach off of them and watch Netflix all day (I was told this by one man who's mother is a SAHM with two younger siblings)

I know to date for compatability but it sucks When I start to like a guy but our lifestyle preferences dont align.

Im starting to get discouraged that maybe i was born in the wrong timeline I have a business in herbalism and am currently in collage to get my under studies Of anatomy and phisiology So im striving for something light but impactful I let my energy speak for itself and I believe I have a very compelling personality that brings hope and optimism into situations There's more to me but I would just like to focus on what I could change or do differently that may change my outcomes?

Thank you and hope to get some good advice :)

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Ok-Journalist7629 · 2025-11-20T07:02:12+00:00

The idea should come up organically and it should focus on the kids well being part not the "I don't want to work" part.

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