Have any guys lost custody of their kids but got 50/50 later? How long?

jimsmythee · 2026-04-04T13:24:20+00:00

It’s family court. I fought for 50/50 custody.

What did it take for me to get 50/50 custody? I had to submit evidence of her recent conviction and jail time for “DUI with kids in the car” for when she crashed her car while driving high as a kite on pills. Mothers can do no wrong in family court.

Anyway, fight as hard as you can for 50/50 custody. Because after the decree is in place? Courts are very hesitant to alter custody schedules and parenting time because “it it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Available_Job6862 · 2026-04-04T13:12:22+00:00

I know everyone's case is different. It was a long and difficult road to get to a resolution. I had to fight for overnights in the beginning and jump through hoops because a custody evaluator with "tender years doctrine" beliefs was assigned to the case. Eventually I only got 20% custody, but mom thought that was too much and began a campaign to eliminate me from my kids' life. The kids were like property to her and it led to her becoming extremely possessive and vindictive. Really a tough time. Her actions caused her to lose legal and physical custody to me. She ended up with the 20% but without legal custody. Eventually when the kids turned 14 and 15, they chose to limit their exposure to their mom's craziness.

It was so difficult to keep the emotions contained. You express anger, you lose. You talk bad about mom around the kids, you lose. It takes a toll on you. You have to be consistent and dependable.

For me, it was a marathon. I had a detailed journal to document everything involving the kids and my interactions with their mom. It gave me an outlet to let go of frustration since I didn't have to try to remember her craziness once it was permanently enshrined in my journal.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-04T12:42:43+00:00

Check out my posting history. I won full custody in my case after having (effectively) close to 0 parenting time. This was in a Mom state, Massachusetts. But it took me 3 cracks at custody modification and 12 years to do it.

In your situation, the first thing you need to do is amend your filing. Instead of asking for 50/50 custody, you ask for full custody with Mom getting every other weekend. Why? Many reasons. First, if she is trying to push you out of your kids lives, that is an act of war against not only you, but your kids. In and of itself, this demonstrates that your wife is not worthy of having custody of your children. Also- you want to drastically increase the leverage and pressure on your wife to try to compel settlement. The important thing to understand is that 95% cases settle before trial and your case is unlikely to be the outlier.

The next thing you need to do is get organized. Have unassailable proof of your involvement in your children's lives. Rule of thumb: it's not enough to SAY that you did something, you need proof that you did it. Patient portal records from medical providers, emails and communication from schools, proof of your involvement in extra curricular activities, etc...

Finally, be prepared to go all the way to trial if you need. REMEMBER! It is much better to go to trial and lose than it is to stipulate to a bad deal. However, if your situation is as you describe, by going to trial you will take away much of your wives advantage. Why? Because of your evidence of involvement and presumably, your wife's lack of evidence. Trial is the great equalizer.

Edit to add: this 'promise of a better day' is a common trick of the system to try to get you to settle to their unfavorable terms. Do NOT do it.

ThrowRA-13579246 · 2026-04-04T12:19:09+00:00

Following. Mainly because I am asking the same question. From what I have seen, once a division of custody is decided, it usually stays that way unless one party spends a bunch of money going back to court AND something can be proven where the custodial parent acts negligently. Unfortunately, you need to fight for 50/50 up front because once 70/30 or whatever is determined, something "bad" has to be proven in order to change it. From what I have seen. The initial parenting plan is a court documented plan that states "this is in the best interest of the child" so then to change it is very costly/lengthy. Regardless of what the "truth" is. Also, there have been cases in my area where even if you prove that mom does drugs every time she doesn't have the kid(s), its still not evidence enough to change custody unless you can prove she is actually negligent to the kids when in her possession. Also, a lot depends on your circuit and judges. There are many older judges where there was a big movement in the 90s that moms need more time with kids etc. and some judges are still mentally living in that era, regardless of facts. Good luck. And get as much as you can up front (in my opinion).

DistrictDivorceCoach · 2026-04-04T11:15:23+00:00

Not a lawyer, don’t know anything about your circumstances and this is definitely not legal advice. A lot depends on where you are and your circumstances but a lot of states defer to 50/50 and there needs to be compelling reasons to do something else. I fought for years with my ex, but ultimately she just wanted to win, not parent. When the dust settles, my kid is with me 5 days a week because she still doesn’t actually want to parent. Once it became clear that more custody meant dealing with more child care I got asked to take a day here and there until we all stopped pretending and my kid is just mostly here now. I don’t know your circumstances but in my experience people don’t suddenly become good with responsibility they have previously shirked.
Flipping out, being emotional, talking badly about her in front of your kids, making threats in any way, at all to anyone, getting wasted, binging on any vice- will all hurt you. Figure out how to keep it together, make sure eat, exercise, bathe, and sleep, and you will get through this

Title	Have any guys lost custody of their kids but got 50/50 later? How long?
Author	foreverand2025
Upvotes	1
Comments	13
Date	April 4, 2026 8:59 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1sc4c6i/have_any_guys_lost_custody_of_their_kids_but_got/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/have-any-guys-lost-custody-of-their-kids-but-got.1577120 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577120

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