I have been told by my friends that I don't have boundaries and am "too nice" I have started reading the book "Why Men Marry Bitches" but I'm not sure it resonates with me. I would appreciate any help!

Clipzy22 · 2026-05-01T16:07:02+00:00

Being cheerful and smiley is generally a good thing.

Knowing when to cut people off is a necessity for anyone to avoid letting people walk all over you. Boundaries need to be healthy. Someone getting a bit mad and being rude is gonna happen from time to time.

Boundaries can really only be set and understood by you.

Generally, no violence or manipulation should ever be tolerated.

Certain behaviors will be alarming, and you need to check them early.

Trying to work with someone who manipulates whether it's a friend or partner should be a no-go.

You can be kind and cheerful and also have boundaries at the same time.

Jenneapolis · 2026-05-01T16:42:31+00:00

First off, let’s remove what your friends told you from a picture. Were you taken advantage of in your previous relationships? Did you feel like you had a lack of boundaries that led your partners to walk all over you? Did you feel like you were the one that was overly eager, you were the one always initiating or you were always waiting for their response?

Personally, I think there’s a difference between the boundaries you have in a dating relationship and the boundaries you have in other relationships. Being overly smiley and cheerful in your daily life is a good thing, keep it. It’s even a great thing in dating.

Why men marry bitches is definitely a good book. I know that for good people, the idea of game playing seems like a bad one. So reframe the way you’re thinking about it - it’s not game playing, it’s protecting yourself by putting up healthy boundaries and limitations. Women by our nature get attached very fast and men do not (even if they seem to make you think they are), so putting some of these in place is going to protect you from our own natural tendencies that are not always good for us. And unfortunately, not all men that come into our lives also have good intentions for us. Start to think of it as protection rather than game playing and keeping a balance to your life that is appropriate until you know that this person has earned being a part of it long-term. Those are the takeaways that would be helpful for you probably from this book.

DoctorNini · 2026-05-01T16:36:54+00:00

I am not sure why your friend recommended this book, as it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with your situation. Sherry Argov explicitly stated that ‘bitches’ as she calls them can be very smiley and nice.

The only thing that might be applicable to you, is to show more of a spine when necessary. I’m not sure your friend is the best judge of that, as she just sounds a bit like a mean girl. Do you feel as if you let people walk over you? Do you often feel like people take advantage of you and you don’t know how to stop them? If so, then you should work on your boundaries and your backbone.

Lastly, we have a saying where I live, that basically translates to: people who don’t trust others, are often not trustworthy themselves. It is up to you to judge whether this is applicable to your friend. Good luck!

prostoja555 · 2026-05-02T02:28:41+00:00

I think the clearest sign of weak boundaries is when you constantly find yourself to be drained and frustrated with others or yourself. You may feel like people don’t appreciate you, like they should be nicer to you, you catch yourself saying yes to things but internally you didn’t really want to do it, you didn’t like something yet you found yourself unable to say no. You struggle to communicate your standards, ask for things and if someone is just persistent enough they can convince you to override yourself easily. Being the one who disagrees or prioritize yourself feels wrong to you.

Another one is when people have low respect for you, they make backhanded comments, lie, cheat, gaslight etc. They know they can get away with it. To them you’re always the “good girl” that will accept anything.

You might not be the extreme I described, but if you ever find yourself drained with social interactions, you feel inferior to others and you rely on people to start noticing what you want instead of telling them you need stronger boundaries. Strong boundaries are a sign of self-respect.

Accomplished-Baby97 · 2026-05-05T00:10:21+00:00

I think you can set a boundary with this friend by not accepting her feedback.

The only time I ever accept feedback from someone is if I would trade places with them… I.e., they have a balanced, centered, strong life with personal power. Something I would want. And I truly know them and value their opinion

Part of setting boundaries is not letting people or “new friends” get into your headspace

Their opinion about your personality is none of your business

Yes, being bubbly and kind and nice is a wonderful thing and you should never change that about yourself. I am very bubbly and kind and nice myself — but I don’t offer that side of myself to people who don’t deserve it (rude types, haters, miserable people, etc )

It can be a little hard to detect who is a hater vs who is a friend, but one good way is listening to your gut. How do you feel after you have been with this person? Uplifted? Supported? inspired? Energized? Neutral / flat ? Drained? Anxious? Unsure? Frustrated? Etc etc

The better you learn to read your own emotions, the easier it is to read others. Stay centered in yourself and learn your own thoughts and feelings, and then it will grow simpler to identify people around you

catlover4everr · 2026-05-01T18:27:37+00:00

Honestly you seem very well adjusted and it doesn’t sound like you need to change. being smiley, kind, and happy are good traits that are becoming rare- and majorly increasing in value.

Your friend could is totally projecting. A lot of people see a cheerful person and then start criticising their bubbliness because they don’t understand.

You don’t need to cut people off or confront them unless they are really negatively affecting your life. I keep a lot of people in my life, some wack ass hoes included, because variety is the spice of life (in terms of friendship!) If you are able to just brush off people’s annoying behaviours instead of starting a conflict, this means you are mature, stable and resilient. you do NOT need to change this.

Therealcatlady1 · 2026-05-02T06:15:44+00:00

As a South Asian Muslim woman, the men from my religious/cultural background are mostly providers/masculine/traditional. I’m assuming you live in the U.S. I think a lot of American men are not going to be suitable (at least for me) but i’m not sure about your middle eastern background. I am too traditional/conservative for the American men who don’t naturally have boundaries with women and too modern for practicing Muslim men. It’s tough.

In America you have to have “boundaries” and protect yourself from every man because other men won’t even protect you or respect you in general. It really pushes you to have to be more masculine to protect yourself.

MeritReaper · 2026-05-11T12:37:04+00:00

Im gonna go oit on a limb and assume your friend is single. Honestly, she sounds like a bitch and like one of my wife's old friends. They had a falling out the year my wife and I got together. She came back around 8 years later, but after hanging out a few times she drank too much one night and kind of had an outburst about how shook she was about what my wife and I had and how jealous she was.

Either way, do NOT follow the advice if the book.

Ive been happily married for 15 years and there is no signs of that changing. Ever. I put my wife's needs first. She puts mine first. We cannot lose as long as we do that.

SeaMuted9754 · 2026-05-01T17:05:00+00:00

Not having boundaries and being kind is like keeping a weasel with rabies with you. Yes they’re small and they only hurt you a little bit but they will keep biting you because they not actually capable of learning without consequences.
You’re seen as kind in the beginning but then suddenly if people watch long enough they start thinking you have low self esteem, or not that bright. Good people will distance themselves because you have to many bad people around you. In my opinion boundaries are vital to protect everyone around you even the bad people because they need to learn how to behave. Losing you can be the trigger that makes them stop hurting others. That’s why I think you should really reconsider how you view boundaries. They are a different kind of kindness and respect to the people around you.
Now to answer your question 1. Listen to how you feel and if you don’t feel good then you can say hey stop that. If they don’t stop you can just remove yourself from the situation. Eventually if the toxic person in your life doesn’t stop you must cut them off. It doesn’t have to be a full on ghosting immediately you can give warnings.
2. Personally I don’t play games when I text. My boundaries are I made time so you need to make time at some point in the same day. If you don’t I will drop you. I demand the same energy back.

edu-ellie · 2026-05-01T18:28:45+00:00

If people are jealous, mean, etc., create some space. You can't change or manage them, but you can name it ("Wow, that was intense") and redirect (change the topic or walk away). And if people repeatedly act mean or rude, to you or others, don't be around them. Men will notice you practicing discernment.
Try switching the lens from "playing games" to "acting intentionally". See if that feels better to you, but also use your judgement when meeting and dating men. We are gifted with intuition for a reason.

Wife_and_Mama · 2026-05-01T19:00:09+00:00

However, one of my new friends has been telling me that I have no boundaries, I let people walk all over me, and from the moment she met me she thought I'm too smiley and too nice to people even if they are jealous of me. She tells me people think they can push you and you allow them to do so. She herself has very strong boundarie but to me it seems like she has problems with everyone. She has cut off multiple friends, complains about not having friends, is quite negative about people, and, in my opinion, gets offended very easily and cuts people off SO quickly.

Don't take advice from people who don't live a life you would want. If this woman is a new friend and has said these things, she lacks boundaries.

My goal is to hopefully find a traditional, masculine man, and I'm drawn to the men with lots of options and they usually say they prefer peaceful women but do I need to kind of change myself to become a better person? I think I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

No one would call me sweet. Smart, honest, witty, yes. Sweet? No. That said, being sweet is one of the best ways to get what you describe.

Are you happy with who you are, the life you lead, the men you attract, the friends you have, your career trajectory, your relationship with family? If so, keep doing what you're doing and ignore this woman. Shutting people out, telling them off, and being unkind are never going to be admirable traits. Sure, there are times when it's necessary, but if a woman you just met seems to have a habit of this behavior, she's the common denominator.

AutoModerator · 2026-05-01T15:55:54+00:00

Title: I have been told by my friends that I don't have boundaries and am "too nice" I have started reading the book "Why Men Marry Bitches" but I'm not sure it resonates with me. I would appreciate any help!

Author Significant_Cut_1092

Full text: In general, I'm a very smiley person, I don't like to cut people out of my life, I don't like arguing and would rather use kindness in all situations. A big part of it is my cultural upbringings (I'm Middle Eastern) and I'm good at keeping friends and dating although I'm single and was on and off with a much older man for 1.5 year and then ended things.

The men seem to like my femininity, and even when I tried to be mean with that one guy, he laughed and said "this doesn't suit you at all. Keep being the sweet woman that you are"

However, one of my friends has been telling me that I have no boundaries, I let people walk all over me, and from the moment she met me she thought I'm too smiley and too nice to people even if they are jealous of me. She tells me people think they can push you and you allow them to do so. She herself has very strong boundarie but to me it seems like she has problems with everyone. She has cut off multiple friends, complains about not having friends, is quite negative about people, and, in my opinion, gets offended very easily and cuts people off SO quickly.

My questions are:

1) How do I know if I actually need stronger boundaries? Am I supposed to just cut people off if I notice they're jealous, mean, etc? My current approach is just managing interactions instead of harsh reactions

2) I started reading that book I mentioned but it seems like that book is more about having your own life (which I do), but also some games like replying late, etc that I'm not sure about

My goal is to hopefully find a traditional, masculine man, and I'm drawn to the men with lots of options and they usually say they prefer peaceful women but do I need to kind of change myself to become a better person? I think I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

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VeterinarianDry1337 · 2026-05-01T20:10:14+00:00

Just be yourself! Be brave, honest, and loving. You don’t need to follow a book. Is that really a new friend? I would not enjoy being around someone like that. You don’t need to cut people off that’s mean, you just need to educate and be honest.

Zrepsilon · 2026-05-01T20:19:57+00:00

This “friend” doesn’t sound like someone I’d take advice from. Never take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with.

I am just one perspective, but the last thing I want when I come home from a long day dealing with problems, crises, etc. is someone who is argumentative and masculine themselves. I don’t want to marry myself, if I did, I’d be gay.

I enjoy the battle of my career, but I equally enjoy leaving that at my door step and being at peace at home.

SufficientCell9689 · 2026-05-06T20:20:13+00:00

Boundaries and Boundaries In Marriage (both by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend) are going to be two books that help you A LOT.

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