Does FDS change after 35?

wutheringlastrites · 2021-02-17T06:08:00+00:00

Ok, I'm not sure if you'd want to hear from me but here are my 2 cents. I'm 33. I've been married and divorced and dating an awesome guy right now. He is divorced and has his son 50% so he is with us a lot. In my opinion, a divorced dad status is not an issue at all, I guess what you have to consider in order to protect yourself, is how and why he got divorced. With that being said, I like to not rely on anyone, especially when it comes to finding a partner. If you see yourself as a mother, by all means do start saving for IVF!! Do not wait on a perfect man, fulfill your dream regardless. I have two kids from my previous marriage, no matter what I have my family, man or no man. I wish you all the best

myousername · 2021-02-17T06:00:03+00:00

If you can't afford to have children when single, then you shouldn't be having kids. I'm sorry. Even if you met an amazing man tomorrow and got pregnant, there are so many things that could happen. If he died, or if he left you, then you'd still be left a single mom.

Or worse, when you are financially dependent on a man and he turns low effort or even abusive, you may be hesitant to leave because you can't afford to live on your own, therefore exposing your child to a dysfunctional environment. That was the environment I grew up in and trust me, you don't want to do that to a child.

Of course it is always better for a child to have 2 parents than one. But anything could happen, and each parent needs to be able to stand on their own just in case anything happened to the other parent.

If it's just about logistics and not money, it may be worthwhile to befriend other single moms and raise all of your kids together in some kind of collective.

to_learn_to_fly · 2021-02-17T11:00:27+00:00

I don't think that being a divorced dad is a dealbreaker. Being an LVM is, especially if you are going to have children.

I am in my 30s too and I strongly believe that FDS doesn't change even when you're 90.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-02-17T15:07:33+00:00

Chiming in to say I’m 35. I’m active almost exclusively here. While certain things may change like running across more men who are divorced or have children, one thing doesn’t: FDS standards. Enforcing your boundaries and asking for respect is universal across all ages, so is expecting a high value partner. There is no “wall” for you to hit. That’s a story men tell so they can belittle women and prey on their insecurities. You deserve a partner who values you, loves you, and makes you feel cherished. Nothing less.

saint-jezebel · 2021-02-17T12:49:07+00:00

Nothing about FDS changes in your 30’s. It is also not to late so please don’t think like that. Go out and get what you want and if you can afford to have a child on your own, do that too. Men will be waiting. It’s all a matter of putting yourself out there. Please don’t believe life stops at 30 because it definitely does not.

AotearoaCanuck · 2021-02-17T17:46:14+00:00

I’m 37 and 5 months ago I met a fantastic man who I am still dating. 3 years ago I moved to a bigger city which greatly increased my dating pool. There are A LOT of redneck conservative men here so it took me a while to find a good one. Unlike you, I do not want kids and don’t want to be a step mum either. My man had been with the same woman for half his life until she decided to leave him a year before I met him. So I guess I got lucky and found a great guy at the right time.

I’ve been single most of my life which has helped me become a fiercely independent woman and I gave up on the idea of marriage a long time ago. I think the things that have helped me survive the dating world for so long are resilience, optimism, and open-mindedness.

Good luck!

Affectionate-Cut-460 · 2021-02-17T15:12:46+00:00

I'm young but the rule still applies that if you want something, you do NOT need a man to get it. If you want kids, get those kids. You can be an amazing mom on your own. Even if you did meet a man, you can expect the standard behaviour of him letting you do all the child labour anyway. As a single parent, you'll be able to raise children your way and they'll be getting loads of love and attention. I've been hopeless when it comes to romance all my life, nobody likes me, so i've debated adopting a son on my own many times. I imagine all the attention he would get, how we would be best friends because we go everywhere and do everything together, it would be fun.

cryptohobo · 2021-02-17T23:21:02+00:00

If we strictly look at the numbers and facts to figure out a hypothetical timeline: you’re single at 37 and looking to have kids of your own. You’d need to vet for a partner/potential husband first. Assuming you’re lucky with the dating pool that could take a couple months of dating (<1 year is a miracle) to find someone suitable. At this point you’re still 37 or 38 now. Let’s go with 38 for good measure, maybe you have an early birthday. You’d then continue having an exclusive relationship anywhere between 1-3 years before getting engaged. You’re now anywhere between 39-41. There is usually a little bit of time that inevitably passes between an engagement and marriage, let’s assume at most a year; you’re now 40-42 when you begin to try for a child. Assuming no fertility issues on either side, you’d be 41-43 once you have your firstborn. Now let’s come back to 37: are you okay with 4-6 years passing before having your baby? Keep in mind that 4-6 years is assuming the most ideal outcomes at every stage: dating, courtship, marriage, most importantly your health/pregnancy all go smoothly with no bumps in the road. Not to scare you but if any of those stages go awry that adds more time and risk: risk to your pregnancy or the risk of having to start over from scratch.

Now, that’s not to say that things can’t progress faster. It’s absolutely possible that you meet your ideal partner tomorrow and get married and pregnant within the year...but it isn’t very probable. I think it’s fair to assume that you want to do things right (just as any sensible woman would); you want to make sure you’re thoroughly vetting the potential father of your child and life partner. Doing things right can’t be rushed though, so anything happening on point super quickly would have to be near perfect. We’ve all heard of those rare stories where people rush into marriage and have kids and somehow it ends up working out, but hell even those people acknowledge they accidentally struck gold. Even the most optimistic people know and accept that things can and will go wrong (they’re just better at maintaining a positive attitude about it). The other problem with anything being rushed is that it puts you at higher risk of missing red flags while vetting a man. Unfortunately we don’t need to look very far to see that a partner’s red flags can be literally life-threatening to a woman.

Apart from all that, let’s not forget that basic fundamentals like your career, finances, general health all also have to be in line within this 4-6 year timeframe of meeting your partner and having a child. Only you can gauge whether there are potential threats to any of those parts, eg. your career being replaced by a robot, coming from a lineage of women who go through menopause earlier than average, having enough retirement savings and savings in general. There’s also the unforeseen circumstances to consider and prepare for: your child being born with special needs (possible for any mother, but the risk is higher for older pregnant women), the costs associated with supporting said special needs, making sure you have a stable support system in place for your child if god forbid they become suddenly orphaned, the list goes on. Keep in mind these are all things that you not only have to review on your own but discuss with your potential partner as well.

Reviewing all that brings us back to now: Are you okay with the potential 4-6 years it’s going to take to start a stable family? The inevitable extra time and energy it’s going to take just to vet and secure an adequate partner before you can safely bring a baby into this world? Is it absolutely necessary for you to have a baby that’s biologically related to you? Would you be open to adopting? If not, why? Are you realistically going to have the energy to raise a teenager while being middle-aged? Are you open to possibly delaying your retirement over this? After thinking through all this do you think it’s still worth it to have your biological child? If so, why? Is that answer an objectively viable reason? Alternatively, how will you feel if you don’t end up having a baby? If you wouldn’t feel okay about that, why? If you don’t have a baby what other goals would you accomplish? These are all deeply personal questions for you to take some time to reflect on with yourself, I absolutely do not expect you to answer them if you reply to my comment, in fact if you did it would hint you’re making a serious decision in haste.

This is a lot of serious stuff to think over, and hopefully outlining a hypothetical timeline really helps you discern if your goal is still realistic. 4-6 years may not seem like it makes that much of a difference, but it absolutely does, especially for women as we bear most of the time cost as it relates to vetting, pregnancy and child rearing. You mentioned you’re open to other ways of bringing a baby into this world, so I would figure out what the hypothetical timelines look like for each available option. I’d then go one step further and write out pros/cons for each option, or anything notable, and from there you’ll have a clearer view of what’s the most realistic decision.

On an ending note, we all have a universal understanding of the joys that finding a life partner/husband/getting married/having a family/babies/raising kids bring, even if we’ve never directly experienced these things ourselves. Hell, even if we don’t think some of these things would be personally enjoyable to us, we can understand why it might be to others. But I’d argue seeing the joys in those things is the easy part, it doesn’t take much work to fantasize happy things. The actual challenge is to look at these joys with a more critical eye and evaluate how they can also be detrimental or possible drawbacks to our lives. This sort of rational approach is harder, but necessary, because the stakes/consequences are higher when any of these joys go awry or are pursued without much thought. It’s also harder to be critical of conventionally joyful life choices because it’s easier to lie to ourselves and remain in denial than face the ugly truth. This is why it would also be worth checking out other subreddits on the topic of marriage life, dead bedrooms, parents who regret having kids. (I don’t know whether we’re allowed to link to other subs that’s why I’ve left them out). I honestly don’t mean to come off as fear-mongering or a Debbie Downer, but reading posts on such topics may help you consider things that never crossed your mind before and ultimately help you make a balanced decision too. Far too often I’ve witnessed women (myself included) choosing a happy lie over an ugly truth and it’s heartbreaking. I believe women become empowered when they are scrupulous in their decision-making. For this reason (and to answer your original question lol), no, FDS does not change at any age. It’s a lifelong insurance policy. I wish the best for you!

Title	Does FDS change after 35?
Author	wutheringlastrites
Upvotes	129
Comments	25
Date	February 17, 2021 5:23 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/llmy1g/does-fds-change-after-35/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/does-fds-change-after-35.1629165 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629165

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