How to deal with not being in the mood?

LifterofThings · 2014-10-29T01:22:47+00:00

This is probably not specifically red pill advice but here goes...

You already seem to know and appreciate that sex is something that your husband needs from you, so I'm not going to bother with the "why you should fuck him" bit. You know already.

You're overthinking sex. I've been a long time reader of Dan Savage (his columns are awesome-- you should check them out) and he's responded to a lot of dudes with ED issues. So, they can't get hard, and they feel like they've failed, and then their dicks wig out more and they can't get hard more, and they feel like more of a failure, and more pressure, and it's an endless loop of positive feedback where the more they put pressure on themselves to maintain a boner, the more it doesn't happen. I think you're having lady-ED. :p

It's good and wonderful that you're focused on your husband's needs, but I think you're thinking of sex too much as duty and you've replaced your horny sexual being inner self with self-doubt and sads. And nothing is less arousing than self-doubt and sads.

Get back in touch with what turns you on. Read books, watch videos, whatever puts you in that lizard-brain "MUST BANG" state and then direct that energy toward your husband. If sex is painful, you may need more lube and/or foreplay.

If there are nights along this process that you really aren't feeling the whole PIV thing, learn to give baller hand and blowjobs. Invest in lube.

If you want more suggestions, feel free to PM me. I know one's turn ons can be a little bit daunting and embarrassing to talk about, but if you want to want sex, you should really try reconnecting to yours.

[deleted] · 2014-10-28T22:51:56+00:00

Just wanted to provide you (as well as the other users) with some threads that you may find interesting.

What happens when I deny my husband sex and other thoughts on the Red Pill by margerym
RPW Sex Advice by HopefulHoney
My S.O. and I have a largely inactive sex life and I don't know what to do to try and fix it. by PhantomHeartSyndrome
Sex in a RP LTR by dollbaby89
Refreshing article: 5 reasons To Have Sex With Your Husband Ever Night by taraga185
/r/sex discuss how it feels when their partner never says no. by LadyKitten
Unusual mismatched libido problem: How much sex is normal? by keepinitonthedl
Losing Attraction by silkenlock
No Sex Spread Sheet: Hamstering At It's Finest by tryanotherJuan
LTR Undoing the damage I did - he won't lead by SoonToBeMrsHim

hockey_puck · 2014-10-29T00:55:53+00:00

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this!

The advice here in the comments is all very sound, but I'd like to second the part about seeing a new OB/GYN. This is something a doctor should take very seriously, as it's impacting your quality of life! They should at least be trying to help you or offering some sort of advice/suggestions.

Do you use personal lubricants with your spouse? Sex was rather uncomfortable for me until we started using it. It may seem awkward or less "spontaneous," but a liberal application (integrated into foreplay) feels soooo much better for both of us! It may not fix your problem 100%, but it was a huge help to me. There are plenty of things which can cause painful intercourse, but using lube is such a simple fix that it's always worth a try. If that doesn't help, it could be one of many more serious medical issues that a good OB will be able to help you with. Long-term pain can make you nervous about penetration, too, which aggravates the problem because your muscles will clench up! Sex should never be painful or uncomfortable! I'm sure that once you get this issue sorted out and intercourse starts to feel good (or at least comfortable) for you, you'll want much more of it!

This is also definitely something to discuss with your partner. It may mean a lot to him to know that your reluctance to have intercourse is the result of a painful medical issue rather than a lack of attraction to him. Repeatedly turning your husband down could cause him to have hurt feelings if you're not telling him why, and perhaps he can be helpful to you in working out the problem. You could say something like, "Honey, I love being intimate with you and making you feel good, but sometimes sex is painful for me. I'd like us to figure out why and find a solution so we can have a happier, more frequent sex life." Hiding it isn't going to do either of you any good. Perhaps he'll be willing to penetrate more slowly, at a different angle, more shallowly--whatever makes you more comfortable. At the very least, he'll know it's not a rejection of him whenever you're not able to do it. You can even work out a compromise and offer oral/manual stimulation whenever the pain is too much. I'm sure he doesn't want to be hurting you, and if he knows what's going on, the two of you can explore a solution together that makes sex fun (or at least not painful!) for both of you.

ElKod · 2014-10-29T04:58:28+00:00

I don't like to show off especially somewhere like the internet where anyone can say anything... But I think I have a good solution for you. It won't be easy but you'll enjoy it more than you think :)

The first thing is obvious. Get healthy! And I DO NOT mean thin. Start working out, running, biking, rollerblading, hiking, ice skating... Anything that gets you sweating! You can do this with him or a friend or a trainer. The point is to get your muscles to grow and pump testosterone which WILL turn you on.

Eat well... I know it's a cliche "diet and exercise" but it's because it actually works. Just drink less coffee, eat less sugar and drink more water. I also take supplements, which I highly recommend. B12 is hard to get in your food and Resveratrol is just magic.

Last thing.. Use sex toys and lube. Get a small vibrator and have some fun, then move to more powerful ones until you get to the Hitachi Magic Wand. You'll be coming and maybe even squirting for the first time in your life (every woman can, TRUST ME).

It's hard to keep this up, believe me! But after a few cycles of getting tired, realizing how much better it was after a few weeks and starting again, you'll be steady :)

Hope it helps!

am_i_a_unicorn · 2014-10-28T22:22:30+00:00

Girl if you feel pain or a lack of drive this could be a medical problem. If there is pain, find a doctor that is willing to investigate or invest in some great lube (not to be vulgar but maybe your husband is just too big to fit comfortably without some help). If this doesn't work, it could be a hormonal problem. Like one in four women has a disorder called PCOS that can cause a greatly reduced sex drive that it could help to look into (or maybe other less common hormonal problems).

vintagegirlgame · 2014-10-29T00:35:32+00:00

Blow jobs!

[deleted] · 2014-10-28T21:47:44+00:00

Don't wait til you're in the mood to do it, do it til you're in the mood

Iva3442 · 2014-10-28T23:11:55+00:00

If penetration hurts, this could be a medical issue. If you're hurting because you're dry, have him do more foreplay before you get down to business, or invest in some KY. If you're lubed up and it's still hurting, you should schedule some time with your obgyn to talk about this. It's called dysparaunia, and it's not uncommon.

[deleted] · 2014-10-28T21:05:03+00:00

Has this been the norm for you for the entire time? You knew each other for 8 years before you married, did you have attraction issues then too?

Why do you think you are having this difficulty? Are you distracted with his level of enjoyment and doubting yourself? Sorry, just trying to understand a little better.

norcaligirl · 2014-10-29T20:53:41+00:00

I don't have much in the way sexual advice to offer. But I do have experience with sexual disfunction and being out of sync with my husband- in fact it's a problem I'm currently working on if you want to PM me.

However I can say keep trying. These aren't easily solved most of the time and can get really frustrating (ask me how I know this), but if you're able to keep pushing forward and get creative it will really pay off.

[deleted] · 2014-10-30T23:03:48+00:00

A few things that help me enjoy sex more:

Read erotica- different things turn different people on. I get turned on by erotica, not porn. 20 or so minutes of reading gets me in the mood. I'll do this if my husband is late getting home sometimes.

Quick fix- rocket pocket. Only $20, clitoral stimulation. I use it both before and during sex. I don't know if it will work for you but oh boy does it work for me. Worth a try?

Locastor · 2014-11-06T09:06:18+00:00

My problem is that I very rarely ever want to have sex

What are your macronutrient ratios? Also, how much sleep do you get nightly, is it uninterrupted, and are you adequately hydrated?

[deleted] · 2014-10-29T03:28:18+00:00

Advice from a guy if you're interested.

I wonder if it would help if you viewed/realized that love and desire are separate emotions. Loving him is not desiring him. They are both emotions, just not the same one. No amount of loving him will ever necessarily translate into desiring him. It's why you realize he needs to have his sexual needs met and why you want to meet them, but it's not the same thing AND it isn't meeting your needs to A) have and B) have fulfilled your own sexual desires.

He needs, subtly of course, to learn/be taught that emotional interplay is to women what sexual interplay is to men. You want to desire him, but don't desire him because he isn't pushing those particular buttons (by the way, for him love and desire for you are probably too intertwined for him to realize they are actually separate emotions). Find out what emotional interactions (and I mean more than cliche romance) actually turns you on then make sure he learns those connections and how to keep them firing.

Good luck.

Title	How to deal with not being in the mood?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	13
Comments	19
Date	October 28, 2014 8:58 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2klvet/how_to_deal_with_not_being_in_the_mood/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-deal-with-not-being-in-the-mood.165855 https://theredarchive.com/post/165855

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