The RPW guide to Tinder

PhantomDream09 · 2016-02-24T18:16:06+00:00

Online dating is still largely in the process of gaining general acceptance within society. Those that have used it successfully to find a long-term relationship or marriage, hesitate before they mention in casual conversation that they met their SO/H via an online dating service. It's a form of meeting people that previously didn't exist, whereas bars and dances (clubs) have always been around in one form or another.

Dating sites are often used as hook-up hubs, and allow people to connect with others that really just want to have sex or even just tack a third person onto an already existing relationship. I understood the stigmas surrounding the online dating world when I wrote the post, and I knew that in all likelihood, I'd be fighting an uphill battle. I realized that it would be important to address every negative aspect associated with online dating if I wanted to promote it as a useful tool.

That's why I specifically made suggestions relating to photos, the written content of the profile, the types of questions women should answer (or avoid), and some general rules about talking with other men. On top of that, suggesting that every woman form her own personal safety code. I don't think people should expect every man they talk to will be trouble, but I do think women should have mechanisms in place to improve their safety.

My intent was to create something as thorough, and useful as possible - so that women could go to online dating sites with eyes open, aware of the drawbacks associated with those sites, and how to best defend themselves against certain things.

I have never used Tindr, and I'm not familiar with it other than the common "this is a hook-up" service. Which isn't to say that it's not possible to meet a decent man there - I just think the ratio of men looking for (or at least open to) an LTR/marriage to men that just want sex is less than favorable than what you find on, say eHarmony.

Now, it is true that the usefulness of this service can be optimized, just as it's true that women can do certain things to improve their chances of meeting a decent man if they go to a bar or club. I don't think anyone is suggesting that it's impossible to find a good man on Tinder, in a club, or at a bar. It's more that women can utilize other methods that will increase the likelihood that they will come into contact with a decent man.

I love online dating, and I will promote and defend it as a viable option indefinitely. I will also never encourage a woman to go to bars or clubs if they are interested in establishing a relationship with a man. Just as I will always advise against one night stands, FWB dynamics, or taking on the role of a plate in the hopes of one day being promoted.

We warn women to consider the reputation they create for themselves through the choices they make and the way they conduct themselves. The stigmas surrounding sites like Tindr cannot be ignored, and a woman must very carefully consider whether or not it's worth taking the hit.

This is a personal opinion, and one that people may agree or disagree with, which is fine. I just hesitate to encourage any single woman to write about how to date successfully...because if I'm trying to learn how to create an LTR or get married - why would another single woman know more than I do when she hasn't earned the commitment of a good man?

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that single women can't give advice, form opinions, or provide insight about dating or relationships. Nor am I saying that single women in the process of dating are failures, or lacking, or that they will never reach their goals. If I want to improve my fitness, I go to someone that has already improved their own fitness. If I want to learn how to learn how to fly a plane - I'll go to a pilot that has already earned his license and the right to teach others.

I think this post would be more effective, if you had already secured a stable relationship with a good man. Right now, this is really just what you think will work best, and hope that it will lead to a positive outcome. Edit: I mentioned this later on, and I know you're in a relationship with a gentleman right now, but it's very early on in the process. Three months is a good start, but it's still only something that's still under development. Thinking and hoping are important things to consider and be aware of when you're dating - but you don't have anything to back these claims up with. I'm not suggesting you need scholarly articles, or even any kind of official research - I am saying that at the very least, you should be a proven and reliable source when you advise other women to take up your approach and follow in your footsteps. You have ideas, and have created a personal code that you follow - which I applaud you for. I think every woman needs to create a system and think critically about how they go about dating and meeting men. If/When you have met a good man, earned his commitment, and been together in a relationship for a while - then I think you will have insights about this site, a more fleshed out screening process, and at the very least, regardless of what anyone says - you can speak directly about your personal success. You may also have suggestions about how to specifically guard against the stigmas associated with Tinder. Right now however, Tindr is simply something you are using and hoping will be worth the time and effort.

I don't really think this qualifies as a 'guide' simply because you can't say that using it has enabled you to find success (yet). I understand that you have been with this gentleman for three months - but it's still very much early days. I'm so glad things are going well, and I really hope things continue to improve.

I am so glad that this has worked for you so far, but I don't think it's wise to promote a widely known, hook-up site. This falls under the same category as bars, clubs, FWBs, plates, ONS situations. Those things have all worked for some people - but none are regarded as optimal, balanced avenues of finding a man.

ModernLifeDating · 2016-02-24T15:35:47+00:00

Lol ladies, guys on tinder just want to FUCK

littleteafox · 2016-02-24T18:34:12+00:00

Relevent article: http://lifehacker.com/online-dating-showdown-match-com-vs-tinder-vs-okcupi-1743996603

After using all three services for a while, it’s clear that each service has its own place in the online dating world. According to readers like you, Match.com is a more mature, serious relationship-focused dating platform. Match.com also seems to skew toward a somewhat older crowd (mostly late 20s to mid 40s), and those who are very interested in finding people who share their beliefs. The subscription cost for Match.com helps weed out those who aren’t serious about making a real connection. You can dink around all you want in Tinder and OkCupid because it won’t cost you anything, but when you’re paying for Match.com, you’re probably far more inclined to try and make a real connection.

Tinder on the other hand, seems to be the complete opposite. It’s user base is mostly young people (mostly late teens to mid 20s) who are just looking to keep things casual and have a good time. While it obviously works differently than Match.com and OkCupid, you still can’t get around the fact that everyone is judged at literal face value, and that might seem like a very shallow approach to online dating for some. Tinder recently updated to allow more information to be shown in your profile, but it’s limited to your current job and previous education. Both things that are, again, kinda-sorta shallow ways to judge people as you swipe through the masses. For others, however, it can be a great place to find people and mingle, especially if you’re just looking to have a little fun. Think of it as a virtual bar scene that you can peruse whenever and wherever you feel.

OkCupid is the happy medium of all three, and perhaps that’s IAC’s intention for it as a platform. Its users are mostly young, trendy types (early 20s to mid 30s), and you can use OkCupid to look for serious relationships or a hookup if that’s your thing. You also get the most bang for your buck, and both the mobile app and web site are super easy to use. If you’re looking to find your other half, OkCupid’s question-based matching algorithm is widely regarded as one of the best. If you’re just looking for something casual, you can find that too. OkCupid was also voted the most popular dating by Lifehacker readers.

What I think is also interesting is that all 3 have the same parent company! So they were deliberately made/molded for separate markets.

little_red_ · 2016-02-24T14:53:10+00:00

I don't know enough about Tindr but supposedly it's only for hookups - I just don't think there's any RPW approach to that.

jade_cat · 2016-02-24T16:09:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Camille11325 · 2016-02-24T16:13:16+00:00

Anyone interested in finding a husband should not use tinder. It is an app specifically for hook ups, casual flings, and other short term situations. By creating a profile and actively using it, you are aligning yourself with all of the other women on the app, regardless of your intentions. Men of value do not use to tinder to find wives so it is a waste of time for anyone serious about settling down.

little_red_ · 2016-02-24T16:39:18+00:00

Additionally, Phantoms post is apples and oranges to recommending women to go Tindr. I don't think you can take the advice she posted about using dating sites and apply it to something where the majority of people are just looking for ONS. It's not even within the same ballpark. It's not even the same sport.

StingrayVC · 2016-02-24T16:39:31+00:00

I gotta agree with everyone else here. I've never been on it and never even seen it. However, even I know that tindr is just for hookups. Maybe it works for some women, but for most it is just a red flag for the majority of men who are going to see it that way.

PhantomDream09 · 2016-02-24T18:47:32+00:00

Edit: In the future if anyone decides to mention a specific user, or include a link to material they have written please make sure you contact the person directly, before submitting the post. I did not know about this post until AFTER it was submitted to the sub and I did NOT give my approval for the OP to specifically mention me. I think a false impression of my approval/support has been created, when I do not agree with anything that has been put forth in the OP.

/u/CoochQuarantine I think you have taken everything people are saying about Tinder in general and as a valid RPW dating resource and interpreted the hesitation, negativity, and overwhelming skepticism all as personal attacks and criticisms about you and your relationship. You are trying to say this is a RPW guide...which means RPW users should pursue this option.

You are feeling attacked, and judged. Everyone is happy that you are in a relationship, no one is buying that Tindr is a valid RPW dating tool.

Please take a moment and step back. Read your comments. Understand that you are taking these comments personally, as though they are direct attacks on you.

This is an opportunity for you to divorce your personal experience and bias from what's actually going on. If you saw another user, on a different thread reacting this way - my guess is that you would call her out on her hamstering.

Had you written this simply as a Field Report, and explained what you did - I think the reaction would have been much different.

littleteafox · 2016-02-24T16:56:48+00:00

My experiences in online dating:

Tindr: guys just want hookups. Never met anyone from there.

Coffee Meets Bagel: I liked the concept of only getting to communicate if you both liked each other's info. Never had any good matches, though.

OKCupid: The most populated. I received TONS of messages, easily 70% were copy/paste generic stuff that they probably sent out to any profiles whose pictures they thought were half decent. 25% were nasty. Maybe 5% were well thought-out messages that indicated that they read my profile and thought we had shared interests. I had a couple dates with guys from there, and they were decent guys. However they both really weren't ready for serious relationships (rebound, kept talking about their exes, etc) and I was. Not a big deal.

I met my current BF in martial arts class :) I highly recommend the real-life route instead.

eta: If you really, really want to try online dating (which I get, I tried it, though it was pre-rpw) then I would go with OKC (which has its own subreddit, and a wiki with advice on creating profiles). You'll get an onslaught of messages, so be ready for those, and you may need a hard skin for the responses you get to rejection (even if you say nothing at all...). One of the pay options (like match) might be ok too, though I haven't personally tried it. But stay away from the ones with a hookup rep like tindr and pof.

Kittenkajira · 2016-02-24T18:18:58+00:00

When I was dating in 2011 tinder wasn't even around yet. If it had been, I surely wouldn't have used it. There were some other hookup sites, and 'alternative' ones that I didn't use because of the reputation. I imagine it would be embarrassing to tell people that we met on tinder, or a BDSM site - people are always asking where you met, and I'd rather not lie about it. I stuck with okcupid, and it didn't take long to find good prospects. My fiancee (squeee!) was on some paid dating sites like eharmony and match, but said he had more luck on okcupid overall.

Really, there are so many options for dating - I just can't understand why someone would use tinder for that unless it was a last resort. That would be like doing laundry in your bathtub rather than using your washing machine. Sure it works, but it takes way more effort and isn't really built for that. Now if all the washing machines in your area are broken, then maybe you've just got to use your bathtub. I can't see that happening, though.

Edited to add: According to wikipedia, 83% of tinder users are between the ages of 16 and 34, so if you're looking for a mature/older man, tinder is most definitely out.

HappyWifeLife · 2016-02-24T16:00:24+00:00

I'm pretty uncomfortable with this post. I don't believe "RPW" and "guide to Tindr" go well together.

I would certainly discourage any woman seeking advice here from using Tindr.

HappyWifeLife · 2016-02-24T16:28:35+00:00

So your "caveat" is

edit: ok ladies I see I got some people in a tizzie here. I will add a caveat then

IF YOU GO ON TINDR JUST KNOW THAT IT IS PRIMARILY USED AS A HOOKUP APP. THEREFORE REALIZE THAT IT IS PROBABLY NOT YOUR BEST BET.

Then why is there an "RPW GUIDE".

cats_or_get_out · 2016-02-24T18:13:05+00:00

Thank for the fascinating read! My husband and I started dating during the 1990s, so I haven't had to navigate this type of dating. I was sharing parts of this post with my husband, and he laughed at the part where men always swipe.

He says that he watches guys at work do what they call The Power Swipe. They would do this all the time. He said that these guys would find hookups everywhere, in every city, very quickly. It is surprising how many women are down for the kind of thing!

Thanks again for writing! :-)

Title	The RPW guide to Tinder
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	79
Date	February 24, 2016 2:34 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/47cv21/the_rpw_guide_to_tinder/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-rpw-guide-to-tinder.166714 https://theredarchive.com/post/166714

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