Is it needy when you want to read your LTR's messages? Even when you suspect something ?

fnordsnord · 2015-09-25T16:02:18+00:00

First - lock your damn phone.

NazoXIII · 2015-09-25T15:37:07+00:00

When I try to talk about this subject she goes crazy and distant and does not reply and she gets angry saying "I did not sleep with anyone I do not want to fuck with anyone. I am talking with friends"

That's a textbook case of suspiciously specific denial, and not to play devils advocate but we were all "friends" with our LTRs at one point were we not? She might be talking to quite a few guys that want to fuck her and she's deluded herself into thinking its just friendly conversation til she gets tingles.

I caught her looking on my messages and saw I was talking with other girls and she went crazy of jealousy.

Now if it weren't for the dread, I'd make a case about this being a red flag, but she's just playing into your frame. I'd spin it into some "since you looked at my private messages, it's only fair that I get a peek at your." I'd bet dollars to dumbbells that she'll resist which would tell all, she'd rather be a hypocrite than to get caught sexting Chaddy.

Whisper · 2015-09-25T22:45:50+00:00

Lots of red flags here. You know what's going on. She has either cheated on you or is making plans to.

You need to get out now.

BrunoOh · 2015-09-25T16:06:35+00:00

Trust your gut. It will almost never lead you astray.

Wakingupfinally · 2015-09-25T15:28:11+00:00

In a very slight bit of defense for her there was an iPhone upgrade that required use of a passlock. I don't remember if it was Keychain or ApplePay but I never used one until that upgrade.

But don't take that as proof of her innocence.

BlackHeart89 · 2015-09-25T20:28:59+00:00

So now it bothers me because I need to report for my doings while she gets away with it because if I mention it she goes crazy.

You don't need to do shit. Tell her it works both ways. No half way shit over here.

Or, just let it go. If she starts acting funny, getting distant, cutting off the sex, etc etc. Next her. People cheat. She may be socializing with other guys. You getting all defensive whining about seeing her phone just encourages her to do it.

Let her do what she does and plan accordingly. Like I said. If she starts getting out of hand, just next her.

Squeezymypenisy · 2015-09-25T15:49:41+00:00

You don't have to answer to anything. If she thinks you cheated she is welcome to dump you. If you think she cheated then next. Do not play petty games and ignore any stuff she does. Girls will cheat whether make you rules or not. Mate guarding is the most beta behavior out there. Do nothing and just smirk if she accuses you. Women thrive on drama. Read Girls night out by Rollo.

chadthundersock · 2015-09-25T18:33:44+00:00

Squeezymypenisy is right. Personally shes obviously thinking of fucking some other dude....or already has. Keep digging. Tell her youre not down with secrecy in a relationship. So she can cough up the password or hit the fucking door. End of story. You really want to extend this relationship with a woman like this?

Do you lift? Are you at the top of your game? Teeth white, tanned, abs, do other chicks drool or stare when.u enter a room?

apskidb · 2015-09-25T19:34:16+00:00

Yes it's needy and what you should do is next her.

If I had to explain it id say she's looking through your phone because she knows she has a capacity for it and it's triggering her own jealousy or she's hoping to catch you so she can justify her actions.

mty_green_go · 2015-09-26T22:46:56+00:00

she is very likely hiding something. Anyone who is secretive or protective of their phone is usually for a reason. In any case, reading her messages will either confirm nothing is going on or you make you angrier or jealous. Don't pursue it...let it go. If she happens to leave her phone unlocked to go to the bathroom or something you will get a chance to peek. Most girls will slip up a few times with their security latch. Let her get jealous when she sees you writing girls. Don't do it obviously in her face but if she happens to catch you, just say its just a friend.

I'm sorry but on the foundation you two don't trust each other, and something else needs to change to build that trust besides snooping through each others' phones.

[deleted] · 2015-09-25T20:01:52+00:00

First of all, wanting to read your SOs messages is "mate guarding." It's probably one of the most "beta"-looking things you can do. Insisting she do anything that is restricting makes you look insecure and controlling. This is the sort of behavior she'll mock you for later with her girl friends, right before they go out and facilitate her bringing some guy from the bar up to her room, classic hamster-style.

Second, my guess is you did dread game wrong if that was the response. Proper dread game doesn't make her think you're going to cheat. It makes her think you're going to leave, and then fuck other girls. Dread game works when she realizes she has competition, but not when she thinks you are recruiting the competition. The result should be that she wants to fuck your brains out to secure her place in your life, not outright jealousy. Before I broke up with my last LTR, I was getting a lot of attention from other girls. In the weeks before I broke up with her, I got the most insane sex of my life. Anal, wakeup blowjobs, sex in public, a constant barrage of sexts, you name it.

So what's actually going on here? She's a terrible liar (which is actually a good trait in a woman), and she's flirting with guys through her phone. That much is a guarantee. I don't think that alone is a deal breaker, but it's a red flag. She might be insecure enough for this approach to work right now, but eventually she's going to see you as controlling, and she'll identify the relationship as unhealthy. Years from now she'll describe the relationship as "mentally abusive."

What you need to do, if you care about moving the relationship forward (that decision is on you), is approach her calmly and admit that you were being insecure. Tell her you trust her, and you know she wouldn't do anything to put the relationship in jeopardy (this communicates that you're not threatened by the other guys). You're in deep shit with the deleted messages, but tell her you value your privacy, and that if she doesn't trust you to not act on your urges with other women, then the relationship won't work out. Her behavior will almost definitely improve. She's looking for a guy that will respond maturely to this situation. Telling her there are other girls after you (bad dread game) comes off as insecure, and she'll seek out other guys as "revenge." That's when she sends out that, "ugh, my boyfriend is being a jerk!" text to that guy who flirted with her that one time.

Title	Is it needy when you want to read your LTR's messages? Even when you suspect something ?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	12
Comments	17
Date	September 25, 2015 3:03 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3mcd7x/is_it_needy_when_you_want_to_read_your_ltrs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/is-it-needy-when-you-want-to-read-your-ltrs.188888 https://theredarchive.com/post/188888

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