To those who have found their Captain

Kara__El · 2019-01-20T19:26:16+00:00

I was a very awkward dater. I married my first boyfriend at 19 and divorced at 23, so I missed the typical dating years and had no idea what I was doing. Online dating was really the only option in my suburban area, aside rom mega churches and bars, especially since I worked two jobs, during and after grad school.

My husband was my 21st first date in about three years. I counted them all up once. Most of the men were perfectly nice, looked like their photos, and we just didn't connect, but I never quite got over my general dorkiness. I eventually started joking that I only needed my awkwardness to bring one guy to the yard... enter my husband.

My husband has never been embarrassed in his life. He's like a Southern Zach Morris, everybody's best friend and the life of every party. He was a popular varsity football player and I was a chubby Valedictorian.

On our first date, as we were saying goodbye, he reached to open the door for me and I blurted "That's actually locked, but that was really sweet of you."

On our fourth date, I screamed like a murder victim in a movie theater, during a trailer for a horror movie. Later that night, as we stood on my stoop talking, I passed right the hell out and busted my head on the step outside my apartment. I was dehydrated from walking around outside all day and not wanting to have to pee a weird amount, so I didn't drink anything.

The first time we made out, I apologized more than once for being an inexperienced kisser, because at 27, I'd kissed only one other person.

I have a half dozen other embarrassing and awkward stories from our early dating, but my husband never cared. He either thought it was funny or cute and took it in stride, since we had so many values, goals, and interests in common. He's impossible to embarrass, whether I wear my Trek Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself t-shirt or my hand crocheted Christmas tree hat (complete with ornaments and lights). My nerdy interests and social anxiety doesn't get to him at all.

I only needed my awkwardness to bring one guy to the yard and it did. There really is a lid to every pot.

timeforstretchpants · 2019-01-20T22:46:18+00:00

I had guy friends and had dated a good bit but by ~27 I had only had one (mediocre) boyfriend. I made peace with the fact that my life might not include marriage, and I was honestly content with that. I decided instead of waiting around for love, I'd focus on the rest of my life goals. I moved to Asia to teach. Ten months in I met the most incredible guy. Our two year wedding anniversary is in a couple weeks.

masterofthebarkarts · 2019-01-21T15:59:12+00:00

If you look at my story from the outside, I basically rode the carousel until I decided to settle down and hooked a "Billy Beta" :D

That's not how I've experienced it though; I had five serious, long-term relationships in my life (and a number of short-term "relationships") before I met my husband, but I was always looking for him. I was raised by a single mom surrounded by single aunts and I literally had no idea what to look for in a partner or how to be in a relationship. The message I got was that marriage was a sham and most men were trash, but even the guys I ended up dumping/who dumped me were not trash, just not very mature or appropriate for me. I was domineering and controlling, because I was insecure, so I ended up with guys who liked to be controlled (as you might expect, this turned out very poorly). And of course, I was doing my choosing based entirely on ChEmIstRy haha

I did not feel "sparks" when I met my husband, but he was so damn smart and nice to me (and really hot) that I just kept spending time with him. After about three months, I was suddenly crazy for him, and the more I learn about him, the crazier I get. He is also very much interested in Us, in our future, in building something of lasting value, in having children and a family and a legacy. If anything, he is even hotter than when we started dating (I cook much more healthfully than he does and I'm more consistent with working out). He has a serious, important job that he is amazing at. I admire, respect and love him, and I literally cannot believe how lucky I got. I definitely "married up" - I'm probably a 6.5, and this man is a solid 8.5/9.

But, he doesn't appear "traditionally" alpha from the outside and I almost dismissed him because I didn't immediately feel butterflies. He's quiet, kind of nerdy, not tall, and when we first got together was kind of dad-body. Around the 6 month mark with him, when we were starting to get really serious, I read "Marry Him" by Lori Gottlieb and honestly it changed my life. Some people like it, some people don't, but the message I got from it was "stop waiting for some fictional perfect man to swoop down and fix your life, and start appreciating the very good person, who is nonetheless flawed as we all are, while you still can!"

I look at him every day and feel stunned at my good fortune, and kind of freaked out that I almost missed it all because I wasn't crazy about him in the first five minutes. I would never recommend that you "settle" for someone you don't like and aren't attracted to, but if you do like them and ARE attracted to them, but maybe aren't as all-consumingly obsessed with them as you have been with other dudes, for the love of god give it a chance!

Asmaraniya · 2019-01-20T17:14:01+00:00

I met mine officially at a international students event charity event. A guest speaker was trying to explain the meaning of a Russian word and there stands up a man i thought to be a Polynesian and translates the word for him, turns out he was was part Russian part black Panamanian .I was handing out flyers at the event and he walked up to me and 3 months later married. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids.

Before i met him i wasn't looking i was just indulging in what my environment taught me to be fun. Usual college life , parties , drinking, hooking up and then regretting it afterwards. Feelings lonely and sad all the time, stressed out by exams and trying to figure life out. I was stressed all the time and used weed to sleep coffee to wake up sugar to give me a boost.

The thing that really changed my life was something my husband taught me when we were courting . He taught me to write down what i want and make it clear to myself and to my prospective husband, Instead of complaining i identified what made me sad and stopped indulging in that behavior.

most important lesson he taught was value myself and that a man who wants me and wants to lead me in a happy household doesn't show weak behavior.

you will get what you want if you know and look for what you want

Critical_Stress · 2019-01-21T10:01:30+00:00

There were yellow-flags when I met my Captain. He wasn't in a good financial position due to some things that were out of his control and others that were within his control. He was struggling with depression due to feeling like the financial issues were sinking him. He was a bit of a job-hopper too as he has such a deep desire to do something that matters and contribute to the well being of the community and the world at large and stocking department store shelves just wasn't cutting it for him. He decided to join the military because it would give him a stable source of income, student loan repayment and would also satisfy his desire to do more with his time than just ring up a cash register. Besides the yellow-flags that I kept a close eye on; my captain and I have more or less the same political views, similar religious views and we both are on the same page about how we want to raise up our future children. He was such a gentleman when courting me and still is!

booklisttoolong · 2019-01-21T14:29:26+00:00

Oh yes, there were times I was worried I would find no one. I told myself something like, "Well, if it's marry someone I don't match well with or be a cat lady, I'll be a cat lady." (I don't particularly like cats). I played Cat Powers "where is my love" song on loop one particularly depressed weekend.

I did not know my husband was The One. I almost passed his online profile because I thought he was short. I'm glad I ignored that hamster flash. We also had a very awkward first date.

Yes I had heartbreaks and learned a lot. My high school boyfriend looked like a model but I wasn't sexually attracted to him. Here was this 6'3", handsome, strong, funny, sweet, helpful, etc. guy - I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Turns out I understand it better in hindsight: his "beta" sweetness was a HUGE turnoff and I just didn't know that the dynamic could be something different. We didn't have sex (but he wanted to) and my turning him down over a few years just made me bed dead and him trying more desperately to please me the way he thought you were "supposed" to treat a woman and it turned me off even more. But he never passed those basic shit tests and I had no idea I was giving them. My other relationships in college were worse although no one was as beta as that first relationship. I went after some seriously dysfunctional guys - two of whom I didn't really love but had co- dependently bonded/used, and one I threw myself at but he rejected me (a mutual friend said I was out of his league, but I think I was so needy and dramatic that he wasn't attracted to me regardless of any SMV mismatch).

I learned GREAT things from those relationships and breakups and I don't regret all of that since I learned so much and I did become someone more appropriate for my husband (and just a happier person on my own). 1. I was needy 2. I depended on guys for way too much; I used them for their money 3. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted 4. I used drama, sulking, victim hood, and silent treatment instead of talking through conflict. 5. I manipulated with tears, victim hood, and drama to get what I wanted. 6. I was a terrible judgmental arrogant know-it-all (ha my Reddit comments still probably show that default attitude).

My first college ex boyfriend write me a scathing email saying I was a "pretty piece of low quality furniture" - totally useless but people kept me around because I looked pretty. I just parroted others' opinions and added nothing to relationships and conversations. I took his criticism to heart and tried to learn from it rather than write it off, since I think he was right in many ways. The second ex was a genuinely messed up person and it shook me greatly once I was clear enough to get out of it - how did I end up so dysfunctional that I was attracted to someone like HIM? What was wrong with me!? I didn't ever really LIKE this person but we were together!?

So I learned how to not be needy (basically accept what people said, don't assume the worst about how they feel about me, reach out to others instead of wait for them to come to me), after college I worked multiple jobs and earned my own money and became a good saver, when I was single I figured out what I really liked and what I wanted (I don't remember how I did that but being single itself probably helped, I hadn't been single since 16 - I was such a leech), I learned to admit I was wrong, admit what I wanted even if I thought others would disagree, and I listened to my gut feeling and allowed myself to voice it. For instance, I don't like cussing. I was ashamed of that preference for a long time but I started to voice it and ask others to not cuss around me. If I felt uncomfortable around a person I didn't push through it - I left or didn't pursue that friendship. I was in therapy for a long time and my counselor was an older woman who called me on my shit weekly - my drama, my victim hood, my arrogance, etc.

I'm very grateful I learned about Red Pill ideas when I did (at the time I don't think it was called Red Pill, I thought of it as evolutionary psychology). It helped me realize that I wasn't asexual at all (...in fact I learned later I'm a ridiculous slut for my husband), that I could embrace more feminine behavior and appearance (I was afraid to wear pink for a long time! And skirts!), and my relationships were mirrors that showed me what I needed to work on in myself (neediness, self care, having preferences and wants, talking through conflict, remaining calm, admitting when I was wrong instead of playing victim, toning down my ego, etc). By the time I met my husband I had toned down the drama, neediness, and victim hood tactics but I still tested him a few times and he calmly passed with flying colors.

It was REALLY hard in my twenties when I was single for over two years as I watched so many other people have multiple relationships and I felt like such a damaged outsider. I was very demoralized.

But my husband is better than the hypothetical Dream Man I wished for when I was 23 and playing "where is my love" on loop and wondering what man would ever want to be with me. We have been married over 10 years and have multiple kids and not a dead bed. :) If I could go back and tell my scared 23 year old self anything it would be "just keep moving forward, you will never regret doing the right thing." I'm lucky it worked out so well for me and I'm very grateful for where I was and what I went through to get to where I am now.

ImTheCaptainNow24 · 2019-01-24T23:26:55+00:00

My story is kind of unconventional. I met my husband in junior high, and we dated from senior year of high school until we were 23. I really wanted to get married at that time, and he wasn't ready, so we broke up. We were apart for over a year, during which time I dated a lot and had short relationships with a few other guys. I was still friends with my ex (now husband) during that time. When we were 25, right after Valentine's Day, he told me he wanted to be together and that we had made a mistake. We got back together, and we were engaged within 6 months and married just over a year later. We've been married almost 3 years now.

I definitely had times that I didn't think I would find my person. I remember getting into my car after the 4th failed OKCupid date after breaking up with my husband and just sobbing and sobbing because I felt like I would never find someone like him. The truth is that I never really did. I just knew in my gut that we were supposed to be together.

At the same time, I also grew so much in the time that I was single before we got back together. We had a huge issue with big, dramatic fights in our relationship. Having time apart and dating other people really helped us work through that and mature. We came back to a much more mature, healthy relationship.

When I look back, I regret the hostility and fighting in our earlier relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we had not fought so much when we were younger, would we have gotten married earlier? At the same time, I'm very grateful I got my chance to date other people. It gave me confidence. Before I had clung to my high-school boyfriend because I wasn't even 100% sure anyone else would want to be with me. After we got back together, I knew that there weren't many guys quite like him.

Some things you might think I would regret that I don't: breaking up with him when I wasn't getting the commitment I desired, and having sex with other people. I certainly wasn't giving sex out like candy - I only slept with 2 other people while we were apart, but it also helped me grow a lot in my sexuality, and I brought that back to our relationship in a really positive way. I also don't regret breaking up with my husband because I had to demonstrate that I couldn't be strung along forever, that I wasn't willing to wait around for him even if he wasn't committed to me.

Zegiknie · 2019-01-20T11:21:48+00:00

I knew mine for years before I knew he'd be the one! My brothers friend. So that was vetting heaven :-) And I don't regret not knowing sooner. I was lonely, but not ready for love, I would have ruined it. I wasn't really ready when we did become a couple either, but less unready. I managed not to ruin it and grew up quite a bit. So did he, and we didn't grow apart. Instead we grew together. I can't imagine life without him now (tearing up as I type!).

I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother ever since I was little, and all my life strived toward that in a way. The internet was new then, not full of tips and stats about what men like as it is today. I muddled along on my own, and was especially miserable in my early teens. I wanted so badly to find love. In my late teens I bloomed and got heaps of attention, but still no love. Just sorta half boyfriendish situations and a kiss here and there, but it was never really real. Then at almost 21 the penny dropped, I realized and told him right away! Next time we met, it was on and never off again.

I have my happily ever after :-)

Title	To those who have found their Captain
Author	rookebay
Upvotes	14
Comments	13
Date	January 20, 2019 10:43 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ahwg62/to_those_who_have_found_their_captain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/to-those-who-have-found-their-captain.196742 https://theredarchive.com/post/196742

Comments