My last FR of sorts

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your patience and heavy hand with me. Just when I think I have it figured out, I don't, and you guys always point me in the right direction.

When Purple Veteran said in one of the comments to my last post "Welcome to prarrott 2.0" --- that hit me really hard for some reason, and I still think about it to this day. You never know the little things in passing you may say that really instigate change.

A quick summary of the last FR: I committed to a 60 day moratorium on initiating sex because just the possibility of sex was ruining me. I was constantly angling for sex (poorly, obviously) and it was distracting from the larger goals I needed to accomplish. Namely:

-Develop Frame, and a positive one at that

-Develop value. Dread doesn't work if your wife doesn't value your time and affection

-Develop indifference. This falls under frame and OI, but I thought of it separately to keep it a focus.

-Own my shit and get rid of anger. Particularly take responsibility for everything in my life, and no longer feel, or claim to be a victim, of anything.

What I did well

I really think I am developing frame, in that I am way less subject to her emotionality. I am in tune with, and true to, my direction and desires at any given time. If things don't go my way, I am not a victim. I take responsibility in my mind first, and with my words and actions, for everything I think, do, and say. Sometimes I can still hear that voice in the back of my mind say, "she made you do this or that because of the way she is acting" or something similar. I now shut that voice up.

I've really focused on learning game. Roissy has been a huge influence and help. More on this later.

I've only been angry with her or my circumstances, or really even myself, one time that I can recall in the past 60 days. And by anger toward her I mean in relation to our overall relationship (lack of sex, affection, respect, etc). It is my choice to enjoy my life or not, to have a positive attitude, and to fill it with positive things I enjoy. I don't have to be upset, sad, or angry if my wife doesn't desire me, I don't have sex, etc. There is so much more to life.

I have owned my shit in terms of taking care of my responsibilities around the house. Though her response is not always a reliable judge, I cannot think of a time in the past 60 days that she had to make a comment about having to clean up after me, or reminding me to do something that needed to be done, or complaining that I am shirking responsibility with our children. I've done what I feel is my share, and maybe a little more. Because I am a man, and this family belongs to me, and I am going to lead it by example.

What I've done poorly

I did initiate sex a few times. 2 or 3 times indirect, 2 or 3 times pretty direct. Mostly in the last 2 weeks. Only once was I even remotely bothered by rejection. We did have sex once last week, but it was essentially negotiated and was a clinic on starfish.

More so, I still cannot figure out how to game my wife. I think I have a better understanding of game and attraction in general than I ever have (again, more below), but I am struggling to translate it to my wife. Though I don't think they are covert contracts, I still often believe the best path to sex with my wife includes me doing more than my share with the children and around the house. The one night I was upset with rejection was a covert contract where I went really above and beyond to relieve her duties so she could have an enjoyable evening, and I most surely expected sex at the end. Though I see the principles of indifference and aloofness at work everywhere else, I cannot bring myself to employ it in my marriage. It just feels like I will further distance myself from intimacy with my wife. Which brings me to an over-arching struggle of whether I am "doing this for her" or not. I'm struggling to implement game and show her affection, and yet have it come from an Outcome Independent place within.

Sometimes I just didn't feel like being positive and engaging and aggressive towards my family. I know Jocko says when you don't feel like it is WHEN YOU HAVE TO GET AFTER IT, but I am still struggling with this.

Other women

The biggest change in my life over the past 60 days has been other women. I kissed the first girl other than my wife since I've been married back in October (see post history), and that was a level of validation I haven't felt in ages. I started talking to and hitting on other girls when the opportunities presented themselves, and started having initial success. Nothing has pointed out more clearly my deep-seated beta-ness like the early interactions with some of these women. I have ZERO approach fear (I've always been very good at talking with people and not being awkward, but never knew how to properly employ the skill with game), and I've n-closed dozens of women in the past few months. Most of them 7-10 years younger than me. Number closing became boring for me, I wanted to see if I could get them on dates. It is through these interactions I've learned the most about my beta-self and the alpha characteristics I wish to adopt. Since October, I've kiss-closed 3 other girls, including one I picked up last night in a city I travel to for work (25 yr old - 8 years younger than me - skinny blonde tennis player). Not so subtle brag, but this validation is unbelievable and I'm not sure what to do with it all. I've never had this kind of attention before. I know I am very physically attractive (thanks to MRP for helping me clean up a bit around the edges), but now that I have game I feel virtually unstoppable. The last two times I went out and tried I kiss-closed girls that I would have thought "out of my league" my whole life. I don't want to have an affair, or even sex with another woman, because I have decided I am committed to the marriage because of the children mainly, and because I promised my wife I would (feel free to take issue). But the problem this is presenting is akin to the "catch and release vs. no fap" post. Lately I have not even felt like initiating sex with my wife (because its just not fun currently) and because of the validation I am getting from other girls. Though these girls have helped grow me up as an alpha male in many ways (and its fun as shit), it also seems to be detracting from my larger goal of a satisfying marriage. As many have reported, it is a real struggle to get this kind of attention and validation and then come home to a harpy, uninterested and sexually unavailable wife. This experience is both exhiliarating and confusing, and I am still working through what to do.

My plan going forward

Though I want to bring out my "inner psycopath" (a la stonepimpletilist), I think I am going to continue to keep intitiating to a minimum while I figure out how to properly implement game, and attract my wife. I do remember we have a 6 month old, and she is still technically breastfeeding (though very little), and I am really only 60 days into my journey (9 years beta, and took me 4 months to really get to Dread Level 1). I still want to take it deliberately and slow, but I need to constantly remind myself of this.

I'm going to continue to focus on a life apart from sex, and downplay its importance in my life. Its no longer all-consuming, but it still looms too large.

I'm going to continue to spend time here, absorbing the communities ideas and philosophies. It continues to change my perspective (and life) in ways I can't anticipate.

Please provide feedback, additional direction, and ask questions.