Obligatory long-time lurker, first time poster. I think this is an excellent sub.

Wife and I are good and have been since the beginning. I'm pretty happy with our course and she's a good first mate. Two of my younger brothers lodge in our home - they aren't financially as well off as I am and it allows them a nice place to live while I benefit from some extra cash as rent. They all understand my vision and are on board, I'm pretty happy with all that.

But that's just three people. Three people who I trust, respect, and can count on to do the right thing.

What I'm struggling with is how close I should be with people who aren't "on board" with our values.

Examples:

One. Another brother of mine is a heroin addict (going on 5 years). Lives off welfare. Isn't abusive to me, stopped asking for money a year ago (when I told him it wasn't going to happen), and I'd trust him not to steal from my wallet if I left it in the room (but I imagine he'd be tempted). He's slowly deteriorating, refuses rehab or doctor assistance, and clearly is not a positive person.

It's hard to forget the little boy who I helped raise, who sucked his thumb and had such joy. But now he's a man, and I sometimes feel held hostage by my love for him - constantly worried I'll get the call saying he's dead (he's overdosed twice). Should I think of him as one of my crew? Should I concentrate on just those who I don't worry about? It's made a little more difficult by the fact I helped raise him - there's 6 years between us and my parents weren't... good. In many ways I think of him as my child rather than my brother.

Two. My wife and I are going through fertility treatment (her ovaries need a bit of help). It's expensive (about $10,000 per treatment). We paid for the first treatment but when it didn't work my wife's grandparents (in their eighties, failing health, sold up their home and just moved in with wife's parents) said they'd pay for any more treatments we'd need (they were sitting on about $550,000 liquid cash, no rent, and no projects etc they were working on). Sounded great. Grandfather died suddenly and everything went to grandmother. She told us we wouldn't get a dime. Wife's parents stepped in and paid for another one but then told us categorically that they (and the grandmother) wouldn't help further. Instead they want to build extensions on their already sizable home (worth about $800,000) using their own money and the grandmother's.

I understand that their money is not mine. But when I consider the possibility of my future daughter needing medical treatment to help her have children, and instead I choose to live an even more luxurious lifestyle than I already have, I... I can't even conceive it. I would feel morally obligated to help my daughter. They don't. If anything, their attitude is "we fed and raised her, now she's above 18 it's not our problem". It's not as if she's a bad daughter - they have a great relationship. Their attitude towards this has been a huge surprise. How do I manage this enormous, life-altering difference in values while keeping a relationship with my in-laws?

Three. My sister is going to be married later this year. She's invited my step-father (a man who abused me physically and emotionally for many years) and my mother (who was similarly abusive and we recently discovered she'd been financially abusing my younger autistic brother - taking credit cards out in his name and maxing them - that's why he's with me now - and out of debt, down 100lbs, and happier than he's ever been). I'll be honest, it feels like a shot to the balls to think of my step-father (who I haven't spoken to in a decade) walking my sister down the aisle. I don't think he deserves it. Somehow she has managed to compartmentalize the abuse (it was mostly towards me anyway) and she likes to stay "neutral". I don't like to stay neutral. It seems... cowardly. Do I go to the wedding? Do I let those people from my past continue to affect me? Or would I be condoning their behaviour by letting them get even a minute in my presence?

The common thread in these examples is that I feel like I have a clear course and vision. My close family (wife and my two brothers) are on board but there are other people in my life who aren't. I'm struggling to figure out if I should just say "fuck 'em" or if I should put the effort in to maintain a relationship - even one where we "agree to disagree".

I found this board through TRP (which I learned about from a friend who wanted to model my relationship with my wife - which has always been great). While I haven't been reading this board for help with my wife, it's been tremendously useful in helping me build up and explain/vocalize my vision, remind me to lift!, and to put concepts I've had in my head about masculinity into words.

For those of you who got your home-life in order but had issues with family/friends/people you don't see every single day - how did you deal with it?

Thanks for any responses and I won't just disappear. I'll check in regularly and reply to any questions or comments.

Edited - formatting.