Feel like I need to tell you who I am and why I am here - post happy hour anyway, no doubt I will cringe tomorrow and most likely delete this

jacktenofhearts · 2016-01-23T11:00:21+00:00

From parsing your post -

*You understandably have a romanticized view of your marriage. I'm sure you were happy in your marriage , but the sudden death of a loved one who died before they're old is just a whole fucking level of grief. You will inevitably compare anyone you date to your late wife, and that's going to be hard enough to deal with. It will be literally impossible if those comparisons are to some canonized ideal version that you're holding in your head right now. You may want to consider talking to a grief counselor. You won't really understand why, but you'll feel better afterwards.

Find safe spaces to cry this shit out. The most vulnerable expressions of despair, anxiety, or sadness, have not been with my wife, but with my friends. I am sure all your friends told you at some point, "please let me know if there's anything I can do." Well, take them up on that offer. Call your buddies and say, "hey man, I'm sort of feeling shitty, and I was thinking maybe if we hung out, I'd feel less shitty. You free?" That's it. I'm sure you've felt you're not "very good company" and have withdrawn, but that's why your friends offered. Plus, the idea that hanging out with you is somehow helping you, even if your just brooding and sipping a beer, is more than enough for them.
The traits you probably enjoyed most with your wife are her high self-esteem and low neuroticism. I would recommend avoiding the age 27-34 demographic because they will literally be the exact opposite. They'll "give it up early," and then become obsessed with the idea of getting married if you keep dating them for more than a few weeks. If you're looking for meaningful but gradual romantic companionship, these women probably aren't your best bet.
So, I remember several years ago telling my sister to stop sleeping with guys on the first date, but also stop making them plan the second. Take sex off the table got a couple dates, but don't make these guys play some fucking obstacle course of drinks and dinners and concerts out of some misguided idea that you're "worth it" even if you don't put out. If you had a good first date, make it very fucking clear you're interested in a second, and if he suggests dinner, suggest you just come to his place and cook for him instead. Seriously, you cook a guy a decent meal on the second date, he'll be OK waiting for sex until the third.

I would imagine you would like something like this. Meaningful but gradual romantic companionship. Clearly a woman that is sexually interested in you will have sex with you, but some of them will also present that attraction in other ways. This is what I mean by high self-esteem and low neuroticism. If she's interesting enough and putting in her own work in the early dating period, and is otherwise physically affectionate, then you're less likely to have these moments where you wake up and think, "I just had sex with a woman I don't think I actually liked that much."

And there's really no morality in my statement there. When I got divorced I very much wanted to have sex with a lot of women and liking them was tertiary criteria at best. But if you don't care to "spin plates," don't. Your daughter just doesn't like seeing her dad feeling lonely and thinks some companionship with a ladyfriend would help and the most direct way is to "get good at dating." If that is enjoyable for you, then do it. If it's not, then don't.

I hope you keep your post here, if only because it's not just you Owning Your Shit but it's really a perspective that we don't get a lot here. We talk a lot about life after marriage here, but rarely in the context of death. So whether we see you 'round here again or not, best of luck man, and condolences for your loss.

2016-01-23T06:47:08+00:00

no doubt I will cringe tomorrow and most likely delete this

fuck you. own your shit. you posted this for a reason, own that reason.

that said, i went back and read your post.

jesus. your wife died. grieve how you need to and want to for however long you feel it is appropriate. it could be your entire life.

the ultimate aim of RP, imo, is to be happy. if what you're doing right now isn't working, make the changes you need, don't wallow.

it might be useful just to get it out. i'd highly recommend a counselor or therapist just for an anonymous person to talk at.

taking advice from women, especially teenage girls, seems like the wrong way to go about doing things.

rot_barth · 2016-01-23T03:42:45+00:00

Being a widower is tough - you need to go through your normal grief reaction to the loss of your spouse. However, at a certain point normal grief becomes abnormal; if you are having trouble functioning, etc... depression might be a real possibility and you should seek professional help.

With that said, maybe women will help you get over your grief, maybe they will not. Only you will know yourself whether you are ready. Try not to jump back into a marriage and relationship too quickly because you miss what you had - you probably won't find that again, because it seems you had a unicorn. Better to have loved and lost... This is where the red pill can help you.

Spin plates in their 30's if you want. Or don't. It is your decision, not your children's. Improve yourself and be honest about what you need, and go get it. If MGTOW is more your style, more power to you.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-01-23T02:58:39+00:00

Your daughter is a prize! Bro, you have the entire world by the literal balls and you don't even know it! Obviously your wife dying sucks but there is a world out there beyond belief now that you have discovered PUA and Red Pill.

Read:

--The Game by Strauss (about PUA)

--The Natural (How to be a Natural PUA)

--Bang (Learn to approach in clubs and how to close the deal)

--Day Bang (learn to cold approach during the day)

--The Rational Male (so you can understand the 30 year olds)

and fuck your way through those bitches like the bulls at Pomploma.

killtheblue · 2016-01-23T04:20:36+00:00

Try channeling the anger and pain into heavy weights. That has helped me be more stoic. Good luck.

trp-grasshopper · 2016-01-23T15:52:06+00:00

I think you are the first widow I've met.

I wonder if this is the one pass guys get on "victim puke " on society. I can't see any woman treating this like weakness, it's like tingles crack.

Took me 3 years until I could talk about my father without choking up, hope you can do it sooner man. Good kids though, nice to see they can be your oak in. This.

IASGame · 2016-01-23T08:07:10+00:00

It may be a bit cruel of me to point this out, but I think he had and has Oneitis for his deceased wife.

It may help him to move forward if he manages to be able to look back without rose-tinted glasses. It's impossible (or nearly so) that his marriage was perfect "every day was a holiday, every meal a banquet". That sounds too much like a Disney Blue Pill fantasy.

That said, it is not surprising that his marriage was actually much better than the other ones here, because men that are happily married have little reason to find the Red Pill (they are probably Naturals and remained fairly alpha even after marrying).

My own situation which is far from ideal is still much better than a lot of what I read about in Red Pill communities. There's some real horror stories out there.

fauxscot · 2016-01-23T14:14:16+00:00

former widower here...

a single man, separated or divorced? to a woman, red flag, or at least suspicious.

a single man, widowed? 100% legitimate exit from marriage. can be baggage free. extremely attractive.

advice? stay single.

abdada · 2016-01-23T03:48:49+00:00

Fuck. Off.

If you delete posts that people spend time reading and replying to, you deserve no help ever.

Go away.

IASGame · 2016-01-23T12:03:31+00:00

If this is the place thats helps you reorganize the brain housing group, then so be it.

Like whinemore said, this did happen to you, she did die, now you need to own that fact.

It sucks, but until you let it settle in and truly accept it, you'll never heal.

Grieve, cry, yell, fight - but then move forward. She is dead, your daughter is not, now what are you going to do with your life?

Title	Feel like I need to tell you who I am and why I am here - post happy hour anyway, no doubt I will cringe tomorrow and most likely delete this
Author	il-est-ressuscite
Upvotes	44
Comments	42
Date	January 23, 2016 2:40 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/428z6k/feel_like_i_need_to_tell_you_who_i_am_and_why_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/feel-like-i-need-to-tell-you-who-i-am-and-why-i-am.200432 https://theredarchive.com/post/200432

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