Summary: 4 year LTR relationship potentially approaching the end because 1) I hate being told what to do and 2) she revealed she has always only felt capable of a baseline of emotion.

Quick background: We're mid-20s, met in college studying engineering and science, 4 years together, lived together almost the whole time, both work sweet different jobs and our jobs are paying for us to get engineering phds, took the pill ~7 months ago.

Issue 1: I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months, including my “childhood abandonment” as talked about by Glover in NMMNG. At 12, my parents split up and I did what I wanted, when I wanted as a teen. Because of the abandonment and anger, I really hate being told what to do by someone that I really care about. It comes off as being treated like a child and I don't even let my own parents treat me like a child, it disgusts me.

So last night we were drunk outside an event in a big crowd of people. Crowds make her anxious. She asked me to put the tickets in my pocket instead of holding them in my hand, for fear of someone coming by and snatching them and running off. I thought that was a stupid/highly improbable idea, so I said no. I've seen her get really anxious and overreact about what might happen in a stressful situation so many times over 4 years, I've gotten more dismissive of these requests. If I don't see any reason to believe it's a concern and you have a track record of not being rational in a stressful situation, it just grinds my gears to even consider it. This only bothers me with people I love, so I’ve realized.

I told her “no” a few times and she kept insisting it, then blew up about how rude it is to disregard her feelings (been here before). In a first, she reminded me of where all my friends from high school are (doing nothing with themselves) and tried to imply she was a big reason for my successes. I had nothing to say because it blew my mind to hear that. Before we met, I had taken a year off of HS, then got into tech, then into engineering school, and was halfway through my degree after just getting a scholarship to study abroad a semester. When we met she gave me interest in doing research, graduate school, and I'd say my grades went up some. I had a free place to crash and study near campus vs the 30 min drive back home each day, so that might be why (is that terrible of me to say that?).

I was upset, but I think that because I put up with her telling me what to do occasionally in exchange for sex and a place to stay. The AF to BB transition went on without me noticing until this year. I’ve always not liked being told what to do and it’s hard not to completely shut down when she tries it, but that’s me saying “What you’ve said/requested is outside of what I want to do/see as necessary, goodbye”. Future relationships will be formed around this personality issue first, rather than hiding it and have it chew at me inside.

Issue 2: My gf has always “hated people”, been a real homebody, not wanted to try new things, but when she drank, she became way more relaxed and friendly like me. Even when she wasn’t drinking I see flashes of and fun adventurous person that I’m super attracted to. Basically I’m fun and awesome all the time, she’s only some of the time. BP me assumed it was a difference in personalities and that if I did the right things, I could break her out of that shell and she’d be fun all the time like me. After taking the pill I focused on me. While I haven’t been blowing it out of the water, I’ve seen definite improvement by not trying to “fix” her or walk on eggshells.

One night recently she got in bed and softly cried until we fell asleep. I held her, but she didn’t seem like she wanted to talk. The next day we had drinks and got in bed. She confessed that every day she feels like she goes through the motions and nothing else. The only time of day that she enjoys is cuddling before work and that’s why she drags her feet getting out of bed. She’s almost always felt that way and everything she does isn’t because she gets real enjoyment out of it. All of her big life choices: science major, grad school, work, back to grad school part time, buying a house, are all done because they seem like the next thing to do. She doesn’t feel happy or sad about it, nor does she feel any sense of accomplishment for all of the difficult things, just that she did them. She said she wouldn’t feel any more proud of having a PhD than if she worked as a barista. If she lost her job she wouldn’t be upset. If she couldn’t afford the house, she’d sell it and move back home with her mom/family and not feel different. Likewise she could get a sick dream science job and feel about the same. I think she’s been confused at why she doesn’t really feel pride or excitement or anything when I clearly do.

She said she can’t think of something she’d definitely rather be doing. In a non-dramatic/matter of fact way she thinks she doesn’t have an emotional range and wouldn’t know the difference in this and not existing. Something might make her happy, but only for a few seconds and then back to baseline. She says she doesn’t feel depressed and has talked to psychologists that just try to get her to take anti-depressants, which make her feel even more dead inside. She doesn’t want to kill herself, but nothing really has ever excited her other than being with me or seeing me happy/excited. This conversation had a very flat tone, she wasn’t happy or upset and I guess that reflects how her true personality is I guess.

This was powerful stuff for me to hear because it tied together a lot of things over the years. I get real excited to see people/friends and to go do stuff and assumed we were the odd extrovert/introvert couple. Sometimes she could act like doing whatever thing I wanted to do was the worst thing ever or that she wanted to stay inside instead of go out and do something. Before taking the pill this would upset me and I would be on eggshells trying to massage her into just the right mood to be okay with going out and doing stuff I wanted to do. New me is learning to go without her and just do whatever I want to do.

I wouldn’t mind if it were some things that I can develop in myself as I’ve done before, like OI, improving myself and such, but this scenario sucks because if she never feels really happy or accomplished or sad or disappointed or whatever for longer than a few seconds, there’s almost nothing for me to work with. I don’t know that I can spend my life unable to share a range of experiences with someone that isn’t capable of more than a brief “oh, that’s nice” and then back to baseline. This has been a tough realization after 4 years.

I’m going to wait until January or February to make any final decision on the relationship. We have a lot of stuff planned for the end of the year and I want to be 100% sure in my decision. I don’t think that it will survive the winter. I’ll keep reading, keep talking, keep thinking, but I’m thankful for groups like this. It will be tough to move out of a nice house to a small apartment and get new stuff, but it might be the next step for me.

Lessons Learned:

  • I hate being told what to do by someone I love because of childhood abandonment associated with someone trying to boss me around like a parent would. Future relationships will tolerate none of this. (Is this childish?)

  • I might have stayed in this relationship partly out of convenience. I put up with being told what to do occasionally because of it.

  • I have a huge emotional range; LTR basically goes through motions and non-dramatically says she can feel dead inside and has minimal response to basically everything including her accomplishments.

  • I used to think her personality was just being introverted, but I see that if she simply doesn’t feel responses to most things, she therefore chooses not to do them.

  • The next 1-2 months might be our last.

*Non-dramatically, meaning that she calmly says “I don’t feel good or bad, almost like I’m dead inside”. Rather than dramatically, meaning she’s crying and really upset saying “what is it all for? I just can’t go on, I feel so dead inside”.