I try to read most of the posts here and quite a few over at TRP. This place has really helped me get on track, not just in my (second) marriage but in my career and personally as well. Thanks to all of you. I am not the most versed on the tactics used by TRP by any means, but I do want to give anything back that I can to the community to help guys out. This topic is one I don't see discussed a ton besides a little in the comments section. There may have been some posts, but why not another?

So you have read the books, started lifting, got a new wardrobe, held frame through her petty shit tests, but she is still fighting you to get the ship back on course. You have done the 12 steps of dread and decided it is shit or get off the pot time. I know this sub in particular is about saving marriages, but some times it is just too far gone. I have this personal mantra about only getting one life and each day is pretty important. We don't think about it because of religion, naivety, or whatever but we are mortal and we will die and that is the end of the road here on earth, after that is who knows... But you need to make the most of the time you have. No one deserves to waste even 1 year of their life unhappy in a monogamous relationship, let alone 10 or 20. So you tried to fix it and it is too far gone, but in that time shit got whack, you had a kid or a few. What do you do?

The first step, one that comes before filing for divorce, is deciding what kind of life you want with your kids. Are you thinking you need full custody, half, 25%, or none. That is your choice, none of ours. Once you have some deep introspection and decide, you need to start setting yourself up to achieve that goal well before divorce proceedings start.

I had one of the sweetest little girls with my ex-wife. Everything came to a head on my 27th birthday. We had went out with friends for dinner and came back after to get the then 2 year old ready for bed. Guy friends call and want me to come out for a few drinks and just enjoy the aging process. I tell her very politely that I am sorry to bail on her but I am going out with them for a little bit and I will be back relatively early. Immediately I am hit with, "Well I want to go out. What about me? That isn't fair that I have to take care of the baby while you get to have fun." A culmination of things leading up to that night made me lose it all. I had no clue of TRP or frame or even what I was doing wrong. After I blew up, I went to have those drinks and stayed with my parents for the night. I contemplated life and all the outcomes of divorce. I am not a risk taker or gambler so this was huge for me. It felt like being up $100k in poker and going all in on a mediocre hand. Granted, it ended up being the right decision and I had the exact outcome I asked for, but what I did to achieve it is very important.

Of course before I go into real advice here, always consult a lawyer before you make any decisions. Each one that you make could have serious consequences.

If you have decided you want your child for a good majority of the time after the divorce, you need to be really proactive in your parenting and involvement.

  • Record every thing

This one is tough and may not make a huge difference without witnesses, but you need to do it nonetheless. Either use a voice recording app on your phone, put hidden cameras in the house, or just write down the goings-on of the home. Every time she flips out, every time you do bath or feed your child. Every time you make dinner. Every diaper changed. Every time you do laundry. Every time you put the child to bed. Record every detail of your home life. Once you are in court and asked for specific examples of things you will have them. Depending on the state or even just the judge, your audio or video recordings could be dismissed if your wife is not aware of them, but you can still use them for your reference.

  • Don't move out of your house

I see so many guys make this mistake of being in a shit relationship and just having to get away. It is understandable but about the worst mistake you can make. You have set so many precedences by doing so. You have deemed that she should get the house, and you will pay for it most likely. You have deemed that when she gets the house, the child should stay in it with her. You have deemed that she needs a lot of financial support to pay the bills for it all. You have deemed that you are expendable in the eyes of the court.

Stay in the house. Sleep on the couch or in another bedroom. Stay involved with repairs or maintenance to it. Be proactive and take over laundry and dishes. Be more than kind when dealing with the shrew.

If you do move out, or she does, never lose time with your child. Tell her the schedule you are taking and keep your child for those days. Find a way to do it civilly at first, but if she acts like a cunt, record it. Once you have the child back find a way to keep them for an extended period of time and file for temporary custody based on current living conditions. This is a very sketchy approach you will need to consult a lawyer for definitely. It has the potential to backfire. Just always make sure you appear to be the civil one.

  • Be a very involved parent

If you already think you are doing a ton for your child in the marriage, double it. Do every feeding, every bath, every diaper. Then record it. Show that the child is best in your care. Don't worry about your side chick or hanging with the guys. This child is the most important thing in your life, if that is what you decided.

  • Get your lawyer

A very good tactic to use before even giving the notion of filing for divorce is to get to every single attorney in your town and do a consultation. Granted if it is Chicago or New York, that is not possible, but find the ones in the area that would be servicing your divorce and get a consult. This will then keep them from being able to represent your wife, forcing her to go further out to get an attorney to travel in to do her case. This will be more expensive for her and the attorney will be in unfamiliar territory, which is completely your advantage.

Once you have your lawyer be completely forthcoming with them. Let them know everything and your goals and that you will not settle for less. A lot of times in divorce court proceedings, it feels like everyone is going through the motions, especially if all of the professionals involved have been in the game a long time. Keep on your attorney to be reaching your desired outcome. You are paying good money and it will be worth it in the end. With that said....

  • Be your own advocate

I like to toot my own horn about my custody win because I felt like I did 90% of the work in the court room. My attorney had been doing it for more than 40 years and was going to be completely happy with me receiving every other weekend visitation. I did the research on changes to Missouri child support, I nudged him and got him to ask my ex specific questions that pointed to her inabilities to run a home and raise a child properly on her own. I did a lot, before and during the day in court.

By the way, January 1st 2013, Missouri changed the maximum days allowed to claim a child on a form 14 for the non-custodial parent. I got my daughter 50% of the time and at first was paying $200 a month based on my ex's claims in the temporary custody hearing that she was so far behind on bills. She had doubled all the bills during the temporary hearing, so I had proof for the final hearing that she was lying. So with me being able to claim 50% on the form 14, and paying insurance for her, the calculator came up with my ex owing me $190 a month in child support. Shocker for everyone involved. My attorney kept assuring me that this was false and not how it works, even with the web page directly from the state of Missouri website. I told him that I do not care and this is what we are using for calculation, but I do not want her money. No child support involved. That is of course what we are doing now. It was short sighted on my part now that my daughter is no longer in day care. The child support would be about $400 a month from my ex. It would be nice to receive that money and put it away for her to get on her 18th birthday or pay for a car or something, but that is my mistake. So make sure you account for when costs will disappear. Long story short, if you have a question ask your attorney, if it seems absurd, research it yourself. Go above and beyond.

Another note is to research your judge you are appointed and the court. Look at their track record on cases similar to yours. You should be able to have your attorney file a motion for a new judge that may be more in favor of granting outcomes that are near what you want. If you get an old-fashioned judge that already knows the mother gets sole custody, file a motion for a new judge. if it isn't granted, find a way to get nearly what you want out of court. Again, consult your attorney

  • Be stoic but assertive

Always stay calm, no matter what your wife or her attorney throw at you. Then in turn speak your mind and say exactly what you think and want very calmly. Use logic and lay it all out there. With this sort of thing, there aren't very many do-overs.

My wife initially asked the court for $450 in child support on top of me paying insurance and half of daycare, along with her getting complete control of the house and me paying half the mortgage. Internally I exploded at the thought. I was in anger phase on a Bruce Banner level at the time. But I came back with 50/50 everything on the child, and me taking the house and payment myself and cleanly splitting ways. The judge obviously liked my approach. In court I never really attacked her, but rather played up all that I do and had done. I said maybe 100 or 101 times how much I wanted and needed my daughter in my life, but I understand the importance of sharing her with her mother half the time so that the child can grow up and be well-rounded. Just be logical and sane. Hopefully a judge can see through any games she may play on the stand. With my ex, while talking about me, she was always a victim and how awful everything was and she was just scared and trying to slide through unharmed. Talking about her, she was strong and independent and literally said when asked about the care she gives our daughter, "I account for 100% of the care of our child." AWALT.

There is probably a lot more, but that is what I could come up with right now. I am sure others will have some helpful input or even point out where I may be wrong, but if there is a topic of concern, ask and I may be able to help.

I am not an attorney and any advice given in this post are of my opinion solely. Always consult an attorney before making any major decisions regarding your divorce or custody.

EDIT: There is discussion about the consultations to multiple attorneys. Looks like there is a consensus that it can be seen negatively by a judge if it comes to light. I personally didn't use the tactic, but had friends tell me it is one that can give you an advantage. I talked to three attorneys solely for the purpose of seeing what was out there. Like buying a car or house. It is an investment and you want the best one. Also I am in a more rural area with some similar sized towns within 30 to 40 minutes. It actually isn't all that uncommon for people to get attorneys to travel if they have a really good reputation. If you are considering this approach, there are definitely pro's and con's to it. You will probably need to consider if it could really impact your image in court vs. making her have to go with a crappy lawyer. Tbh, after being through the system some, in divorce court anyway, I don't know if the spectrum is really too broad for good and bad attorneys. It almost just felt like they had a playbook they go by to get it done.