[AskMRP] I cheated and need you guys to talk some sense into me.

RPAlternate42 · 2015-07-14T06:54:00+00:00

The Pact

/u/RedPillForever made the following statement earlier, which I think is one of those golden quotes that everyone should know:

Monogamy is an agreement to sexual exclusivity, in exchange for reasonable access.

Your wife is giving you access and your agreement was sexual exclusivity; that is, she lets you have sex with her and you don't have sex anywhere else. The same agreement is on you.

You violated the pact. You took her access and spurned the exclusivity.

I won't offer opinion on this. What I have stated above is a matter of facts.

The Aftermath

On the other side of things, you are apparently valuable enough to her that she is shrugging it off. I don't what her motivation is, but she may see things in the following ways:

I can cheat on him now so we are even
Of course he slept with other women... he's a masculine strong man
I hope he isn't going to leave me for the other woman
If he thinks he's getting sex after this he'll have to prove himself to me.

I'm sure others can add to this list.

Number 1

This is AWALT. Always be on the lookout. Granted, she's right, you would be even if she slept with another dude. If she is fixated on the logistics of being even, she will tell you first. If she is fixated on satisfying her own anger, she won't until after. Either way, if you believe what you did was wrong, communicated that correctly to her, and set that as a boundary for yourself that you shouldn't have crossed, then you need to ensure that such a boundary for her exists as well.

You may think, I can't really tell her what to do after that... but you can. If she is high-value and honorable, then the rule doesn't affect her because she won't violate the pact. If she finds a problem with the rule then know that AWALT in this situation even if you think she is just pushing back as a shit test.

Number 2

This is unlikely. I don't think you are Chad enough for that... but she seems to shrug it off like it's nothing.

A woman will do anything for the right man.

Number 3

This is the most likely the thing she is really thinking. Cheating makes the hamster run wild. The biggest fear women have about their man in their relationship is packing up and delivering resources to another woman instead of her.

This is the basis for dread game; we are doing all the things that make women think we are cheating or going to cheat so they get their shit together. This is why we have levels. You went to level 11 with no provocation when you should have been at level 3 to 6 in various forms.

Opinion: 1I think all marriages should be at least a level 4, but nor more than 6, as long as the sex is regular and good.

Number 4

This is possible and more so if you are new to RP or were really beta for a long time. If she sees you as a beta faking it as an alpha, then she will drag the shit out of you back to beta land. If she is genuinely respectful of you as a man, this outcome isn't as likely. You have found MMSLP in 2013... but I don't know how long you've been properly RP. MMSLP tends to be the gateway for new guys... but the discovery of the door can take a while.

Your Position Now

This is a matter of my opinion.

Apologize: Tell her you are sorry for what you did and that it won't happen again. Tell her you crossed a boundary that isn't permissible for either of you. Don't go overboard with this; no need to be a supplicating child about it. You made a mistake, you apologized, you made awareness of the boundary, and you promised not to cross it again.
Go Abut Your Married Life: Know that you are better for the transgression because you learned something about yourself. Don't allow yourself to be in positions that chip at the weak spots in your personal honor code.
Fuck your wife like she's every other slut you want to fuck.

Do I really have to endure this struggle for another 10, 20 years?

No. You Don't. But know that that option, should you choose to maintain a monogamous relationship with your wife, it will involve a divorce.

Should you decree monogamy as defined above as rubbish, you can make a play for an open relationship. I can't offer any advice on this.

What I can offer is personal anecdote:

3 years married I was in an exceedingly shitty place, mentally. I was out of the Corps, no real job, plodding through college at the JC. I went on a backpacking trip with some other classmates... one of which was a particularly ripe little piece of ass. We shared a tent, I touched her boob. That was it. I was 99% ready to stick my dick in her. The 1% kept me from doing it. She knew I was married and she still didn't care (AWALT.) she had a boyfriend, whom I had met, and she didn't care (AWALT.)

At that time I was particularly alpha in my attitudes, actions, and dealings. I talked with her (this was before texting was a big thing yet) and even went to the movies with her and her BF and my wife. My wife was jealous as shit... threw shit test after shit test about it. I knocked them away back then (what happened tot hat guy?) but decided I shouldn't really hang around this girl anymore because I was going to end up fucking her 6 ways to tomorrow and my wife still would have stayed with me.

But that violated my personal honor code. Because I knew that sex with my wife was the only sex I will be having as long as we were having sex.

I know that I won't be having sex with anyone else as long as The Pact is in place, and to make up for that... I fuck my wife how I want; the Uber passenger I picked up that was out for a GNO with her friend and beta orbiter who kept trying to get me to hang out with her... fucked my wife like I would have her. The girl at Target that kept following me around... The wife got the good end of that interaction. You get the picture.

Fuck your wife like a dirty slut and she will love you more for it.

merodiaj · 2015-07-14T12:39:49+00:00

How can you have the perfect marriage when you are seeking sex outside your marriage?

Noone trips, falls into pussy. You take active steps to it.

Look at your wife. Really look at her. Do you want children?

Wild oats aren't her fault. She didn't prevent you from doing that. You did.

You have a 'good' wife that you are willing to mess up because you want more strange.

You know how I stay faithful to my wife? I realize that she is the best decision I made. I made.

It would be foolish to think that sowing wild oats is worth divorce or cheating on your wife.

Why are you even here? People are here to improve their marriage. You are here asking for tips in staying faithful?

Man up and cherish what you have.

patrol_of_basements · 2015-07-14T09:16:29+00:00

To the 40+ guys: how do you do it?

I'm not 40+, I'm younger (which makes it more difficult, right?), and I'm in a monogamous relationship.

I tell myself that pussy is just not that important. It's nice to have this sexual tension with other women, for me it's the best part, so I can skip the sex and release all that energy with my long-term girlfriend.

Getting pussy is not what makes you a man. It's just a small part of your life, like 15%, including relationship with your wife. It's itchy sometimes, yes, but it's just insignificant. Concentrate on the rest: leading, building something, building yourself, inventing, investing, being a father and so on. If your wife is good, supportive and sexy, it's actually a pretty good deal.

And of course also this:

fucked my wife like I would have her

[deleted] · 2015-07-14T14:28:56+00:00

[permanently deleted]

turbosympathique · 2015-07-14T11:47:47+00:00

First get a good idea of the type of man that you are. Not everybody is made up for family life. choosing the wrong path because of peer pressure will not make you happy no matter how much you want to "fit" in.

This is not on the "recommended" book list but this is what you need right now. The Unbearable Lightness of Being

This book will help you figure out the type of life that YOU need to be happy. Can you be happy with a more lay-back kind of life with little to no responsibility? OR Do You need the weight of family, responsibility and regularity in your life to find peace and happiness. No matter what you choose those two path lead to very different life style and are incompatible with each other.

Choose wisely, it's your life and the one that you love that are at stake.

disposable790 · 2015-07-14T20:21:32+00:00

40 + here on a throwaway.

I was solid blue pill untill I came here.

I married the first girl I slept with although she rode the CC before meeting me.

I was in the deadest of Deadbedrooms from the word go. I always thought what it would be like with other women. So I joined an online dating site and actively sought out pussy

Over about 5 years I had about 7 women. Sex so hot you could have made a porno out of it. Not one of them cared that I was married. I never lied to any one of them, they knew what it was about.

And you know what? Not one of them made me happy. Sex is one thing, happiness totally something else. I got away with it. Few people know of my escapades, many won't believe it.

The grass is not greener on the other side, I have been there and can tell you honestly.

I recommited myself to find a way of staying in my marriage and finding a way to live honourably. The problem was with me. I fucked up. Fucking other women only makes you resentfull to your wife, it solves nothing.

UEMcGill · 2015-07-14T13:02:56+00:00

OP, what do you want? This isn't about cheating or having a nice Stepford wife. Do you want to fuck around or not? Everybody deep down wants to bang strange. At 42 I've had my share of conquests so I get the whole "thrill of the hunt" thing but I sense that you want us to talk you out of that. Aint happening.

What you really have here is a lack of Outcome Independence. You're afraid of failure, in this case failure to sow your wild oats. The only real difference between now (at 42) and when I was 30? I have more experience and I use it to make informed decisions. I got experience by making decisions and learning from them. Sometimes I made good decisions based on bad information, and I was like "welp that didn't work", but they were my decisions and I owned them.

In the end you're young. I had my first kid when I was 37, and I still feel like an active energetic Dad. Your wife may be awesome, but she's no snowflake and replaceable. If her price of admission is exclusivity cut her loose. If you really want an open marriage tell your wife that's your price of admission. In the end what ever happens own that decision. It's yours and we can't make it for you. Accept that things may go great, or they may fail miserably, but in the end you can change course and improve your life. If you do this no matter what you decide you'll be fine in the end.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-07-15T20:40:57+00:00

My opinion?

It is manly to be ABLE to cheat.

It is childish to ACTUALLY cheat.

It is complete insanity or an act of pure selfishness to tell your wife (or husband) that you cheated.

/r/Redpillnonmonogamy if you want to jump off the cliff and have "the talk." We are trying to avoid this kind of talk on MRP because...promises and vows and all that. Be aware that they call it red pill on Satan mode for a reason.

As far as talking you out of it? Try this epic quote from Mr. Spock.

[deleted] · 2015-07-16T20:03:15+00:00

2 issues here. Your cheating and how she deals with it.

Need to decide for yourself if you are going to be a cheater. Make a decision and stick to it. If you decide to reform and know your are easily tempted, then you need to remove yourself from those situations that temp you: e.g.--no drinking with co-workers on business trips. We all have urges. Some of us make stupid mistakes. Live, learn, decide what kind of man you want to be and move on.
Apologize contritely, let her know if wont happen again, and do not bring it up again. I mean, no not directly discuss it, refer to it, or make illusions to it...even self-deprecating ones. It is in the past--move forward. Know your wife. This may encourage her to cheat. It may encourage her to pay more attention to you. It may also involve a "time out period" where she doesn't want to have sex. Don't let this go on too long. Again, its a mistake, move on and improve yourself and your marriage.

AZTRP · 2015-07-17T16:41:12+00:00

I completely understand sowing the oats. My brother and his wife have had several threesomes. Have you considered proposing that to your wife? I don't know how one would successfully do that but doing includes her in the decision to stick your dick in another woman and potentially brings an element of fun for her into it too.

I have other married friends that have done so successfully. Everyone is still happily married.

I cheated on my first wife and feel horrible about it because I broke a promise I made to her.

My second wife I haven't cheated on but have thought about it a lot because...I'm a man and I need sex. I did make the promise to myself that before it gets that far that I would at least bring the idea of a threesome with another woman to her.

NeedHelpBeta · 2015-07-14T05:36:21+00:00

Lying and being deceitful is just wrong. You want to fool around go ahead but not while you are married.

Divorce your wife and play the field, but while you are married to her, do not cheat.

[deleted] · 2015-07-14T11:05:29+00:00

It's your life, you're frame.

Push for open relationship if that's what you want and need. If she won't provide it, then you still get what you want.

TRP is about living your life as you wish and others are free to join

psyflux · 2015-07-14T10:47:50+00:00

My biggest struggle is remaining faithful now. With my high SMV, temptation is around every corner.

You've been playing on easy mode for so long that your relationship no longer interests you. What's the point if there's no "struggle" right?

Find a hobby, start a company, become self-employed, retire at 50. Do something genuinely challenging. Trust me when I tell you there are far more rewarding things to do than chasing skirts.

Also, from the sidebar:

The grass is greener on the other side

Unless your wife is fucking your brains out, this is a fucking fantasy. Assuming you didn't marry someone that actually is worthless, the problem is you, not her. How your wife treats you is an accurate reflection of your level of alphaness. If you read all the red pill stories about how people are spinning plates and think your life as a single man will be like that, the truth is that you have some work to do.

[deleted] · 2015-07-14T10:59:51+00:00

She does not want to divorce. She just wants me to be faithful going forward. I love her, don't want to divorce her and want to raise a family with her. But I just feel that I haven't sowed those wild oats.

She wants monogamy. You don't. However that decision works out, there will be a winner and a loser. You get to choose which one you are.

As much as I would like to follow the monogamously married ideal our parents and grandparents followed

Why? You don't want to, and you know doing so will be a struggle.

I see an open relationship or divorce as the only realistic options for me.

I agree.

Sepean · 2015-07-14T10:24:34+00:00

EDIT: Just noticed you don't have kids.

I love her, don't want to divorce her and want to raise a family with her.

Look, this will pass. If she's not into an open marriage, maybe there's a girl out there who is. Even if there isn't, you're 30, you got plenty of years to have fun and then find a girl to start a family with. You'll likely end up with a younger, higher SMV girl at the end of this.

If I was 30 and without kids and just found TRP, I'd take the heartbreak from leaving someone I love and go spin plates. This is a no brainer unless you're married to a unicorn.

PRE-EDIT (what I wrote when I thought you had kids):

I like eating lots of pizza, ice cream, Mars bars, candy, a couple of beers each night, and so on.

I just don't because it gets in the way of other things I want in life.

I had some really great sex in my youth. It's not something you really value afterwards. It's a bit like eating Ben & Jerry's, fucking delicious but not that big a deal afterwards.

I think if you went out and fucked hot girls you'd be riding a high for a while. But in a year or two, when you're trying to keep your nuclear family together and dealing with the fallout from your continued cheating, it won't seem to have been worth it.

Let me ask you this: don't think about future pussy. Just what you got when cheating, compared to the consequences from it in your marriage. Is that a good trade off? Are you happy you did that? Delaying gratification sucks, but very often it is the smart choice.

For some people an open marriage can work, but you're probably not so lucky it will be easy. It will be A LOT of hard work. It is better than cheating since there's not the same breach of trust, but you're going to have to deal with a ton of shit just for some pussy.

Could you get your wife into swinging or threesomes? Would that do it for you? There's some tips on it in Sex God Method. If she was part of it maybe it would be easier on your marriage.

If this is really what you want though, that's really what you want. But just make sure you're not going for some short term gratification that turns out to not be what you really wanted.

Bellum00 · 2015-07-14T10:17:25+00:00

The fact that you even consider divorce should be enough for you to know that you have no business staying in this marriage on it's current terms.

Let's be rational here.

Imagine you divorced her. She's 28 years! That would be brutal. You might as well shoot her with a shotgun right in the womb.

However, you're high SMV. You should aim for:

A maîtresse,
Kids with wife 1, kids with wife 2,
Polygamy.

Just have kids with your wife, then start over or introduce a concubine or maîtresse.

Best for you, best for your wife.

Does that make you an absolute cunt for breaking the deal? Yes. Is being a cunt better than being perpetually unhappy? I'd say so.

The only question you should ask yourself is wether or not to include her in the change of plan.

Title	[AskMRP] I cheated and need you guys to talk some sense into me.
Author	merodiaj
Upvotes	0
Comments	56
Date	July 14, 2015 5:21 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3d7xh9/askmrp_i_cheated_and_need_you_guys_to_talk_some/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/askmrp-i-cheated-and-need-you-guys-to-talk-some.201467 https://theredarchive.com/post/201467

Comments

The Pact

The Aftermath

Your Position Now

Do I really have to endure this struggle for another 10, 20 years?