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Nuc or STFU

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October 24, 2018
7 upvotes

I been lurking for several months and just started to swallow the pill last month. Im 38 wife 34 married for 9 yrs but been together for 16yrs, 2 kids 7&5. I joined the gym early this month and work out 4-5 weekly. Im 5'6 150 and mostly toned. We became exclusive at young age and we smoked a lot of weed like everyday. I became addicted like in if i stop smoking weed i get the sweats and the shakes. I got bored with the party life and figured we should move to the next step and have kids and get married. I made a huge mistake in not explicitly stating a no weed lifestyle when we get married and start a family. I stopped smoking weed but she still smokes everyday all day. She is mostly functional addict in that she works and she performs basic chores and takes care of kids decently.

I grew up in the ghetto in a household where drug addiction was rampant. My dad was absent but both of my parents did hard drugs like heroin and crack. My mom had 4 kids and at minumum smoked weed everyday and had friends over to party atleast once a week. I vowed never to let my own kids grow up like this. Wife and I have had several serious conversations concerning this letting her know i have a severe addiction to weed. I have relapsed a few times even because shes always smoking around me. Im you classic Mr. Nice Guy(I read this book once and am rereading it slowly because so much of it applies to me). Fast forward to now and i feel like im living my childhood again. My wife comes from a 2 parent dysfunctional household in that father was alcoholic and abusive to her brothers and her mom. Her parents communication style is basically screaming and cursing at each other but they are still together after more then 40yrs.

I let my wife move in like 5 of her cousins including kids into our home and they all smoke weed too. I knew they smoked weed before they moved in but i figured im a nice guy i will help them. My wife loves weed and has stated to me she will never stop smoking. She says that i am hurting her dreams because she wants to grow and make oils. After always being opposed to growing weed in our home I made covert contract with her to let her grow even though this was against my dreams and my addiction.

I now realize I essentially stated to her with this contract "What can I do to make you happy?" Well she promptly ripped up that contract and starts treating me worse then before as in publicly cursing me out, spending almonst no time with me or the kids and smoking weed in our bedroom. I asked her to stop smoking in the bedroom and she basically tells me im going to finish smoking my blunt and then ill stop. I get angry and told her i want all of her plants gone. i wait about 1.5 weeks and during this time frame shes acting nice and even giving me money towards utility bills since her family has increased our bills. After 1.5 weeks i tell her i noticed the plants are still here and i will destroy them if she has not taken them from the home by the next day. I get home from work the next day and the plants are still there. I didnt say anything to her but i start throwing the plants outside.

Now she is pissed. no sex in last 2 months and almost no communication other then kids and household chores. Add to that i think she may be cheating but i have no proof other than being extra shady with her phone. And she did come in at 530am one morning when we agreed in marriage that we be in by 3am.

Im torn about what to do because Im angry at myself and her because i let her treat me this way throughout the entire relationship. Angry that my spouse does not support me in sobriety from addiction. Angry that i was not able live my dream of a drug free household. Dont know if i should stay or go. I recently consulted with a lawyer who basically told me there is nothing i can do basically since marijuana is practically legal and impossible to overdose on. Lawyer states i could go for primary custody but it would be hard to prove my case. lawyer says i would probably be paying child support atleast since i earn 80k and she 40k. My wife does not know i consulted a lawyer but is asking for a mediator(unbiased relative or a counselor) just to air out our grievances but i have not made a decision on that yet.


Post Information
Title Nuc or STFU
Author bmorealpha
Upvotes 7
Comments 35
Date 24 October 2018 03:47 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203859
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9r0tuj/nuc_or_stfu/
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Comments

[–]InChargeManRed Beret12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Impressive

[–]screechhaterRed Beret8 points9 points  (11 children) | Copy

You aren't going to win this battle she has too much of a shit example

Get the shit family out of there and provide a good stable environment of the kids

You are there only hope if you expect to break the cycle

Keep up the good work improving yourself

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

I agree that is my biggest fear. I feel like if I leave then there would be nonstop partying and all types of shady people around my kids. And when i say shady i mean friends and fam some of whom are known killers that hang around with other felons and all types of shady weed dealers. Honestly i feel like she feels i dont love her because i have not beat her like her dad did to her mom. I also feel like i could fall back into the addiction and screw up my life. Growing up without my dad i always said i would never leave my kids but it seems like she is actively trying to get me to do this. Im a real involved dad i dont even really hang out with friends. I spend most of my free time planning activities or hanging with my kids. Sometimes my wife will come along but she will mostly bitch the whole time and ruin the mood, often asking when are we headed home so she can continue partying with friends. I am seriously tempted to head to dread level 9 and say either weed or the family. But that doesnt seem fair since i knew she was like this before we got married.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

That will be a great excuse to tell your kids when they're drug addicted and in jail, later. "Sorry guys, I would have put a stop to all that shit, but it didn't seem fair."

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

How am i going to put a stop to anything if i can only control me? Which means my kids will still spend half of their time with her if we get divorced. My lawyer said the judge does not take weed addiction seriously in my state since we have rampant heroin and crack use so.....

[–]ISeekI2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Even if they're spending half their time with her, they are also spending half the time with you. That's better than spending all their time with you in an environment where you don't actually have any positive influence on them.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thats true. I will let her know what I need in the marriage. If she chooses weed then I will work on me and put my financial affairs in order before initiate divorce. Probably will end in divorce anyway since she may be cheating.

[–]ISeekI0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How'd you go?

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Consult with your lawyer on how to frame the bitch as endangering your children, then get sole custody. Is this that hard?

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yea it actually is the lawyer said all i could do was try to get it on record that i am the primary caregiver using text messages. This has a small chance of working since we split a lot of the parenting duties right down the middle. Lawyer says in my state infidelity is a nonfactor and judges consider weed abuse to be a joke. Says i most likely will pay her and could lose house. Lawyer says its better to agree on everything out of court before going to judge.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well, you should listen to your lawyer. If she is brining thugs, murderers, crackheads and hard drugs into your house, there is more going on than "weed addiction." You do you.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can go Rambo buck wild anytime man. It's easy, you just let the shit fly out of your mouth and watch her hamster get winded.

Try reading the sidebar, getting in the best shape of your life first. There is a lot of low hanging fruit you can pick before burning it all down.

You mentioned that you don't spend time with friends? Make time. We are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Find some friends that are the opposite of these people in your life. Confided in them, cultivate the relationship.

Have some fun with it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Again. I subscribe to the rational adult in you.

Those kids need you to do what’s right for them.

If you don’t have the balls right this moment get to good actionable progress ASAP with results and hopefully she falls in place

Leadership through action can be a wonderful example to follow.

Just remember in the back of your head to keep improving for you. Wrap your head around a plan to clean house and enact it.

I have faith in you as you are getting clean, clear thoughts will follow.

Good luck.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Now she is pissed. no sex in last 2 months and almost no communication other then kids and household chores. Add to that i think she may be cheating but i have no proof other than being extra shady with her phone. And she did come in at 530am one morning when we agreed in marriage that we be in by 3am.

Good god! Trust your gut man. If you think she's cheating, there is a good chance she is.

This woman has pushed your boundaries so far and the internal conflict in you is what's causing this anger.

My wife does not know i consulted a lawyer but is asking for a mediator(unbiased relative or a counselor) just to air out our grievances but i have not made a decision on that yet.

Keep that under wraps. Don't let her find out about your plans.

You can't directly change her. You are in the right place, it's you that's the problem, and mrp helps you fix you.

It's clear from the way you write and articulate your life experience that a sober mother is a value you hold.

Don't. Fucking. Budge.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Roger that but....should i give the hard ultimatum. Should i go to mediation to air out grievances. I have not figured out if i should give ultimatum from position of weakness or give the ultimatum anyway since drugs and reckless behavior are in involved. I didnt agree to mediation because im still looking for proof of infidelity as well as im confused if i should give ultimatum during mediation. I was considering giving hard ultimatum regardless telling her its weed or the family and to include drug rehab for her. She doenst think anything is wrong with weed and states she isnt addicted. Her actions say otherwise since she smokes super potent weed not regular weed but shit encrusted with thc crystals like all day atleast 7-8 blunts per day. If she isnt smoking she is in a terrible mood, irritable, and screams at the kids. We have beefed several times about her treatment of the kids. I agree with her on most life outlooks except for the weed which is a major disagreement.

On the cheating well i happened to walk up on her while she was texting and she got spooked and pressed the home button on her cell iphone. I never look in her phone but i know her password. I decide i will look in her phone covertly while she takes her shower the next morning. I watched her wake up and look at her phone and then press power button. I figured she was just turning the screen off. When she got into the shower i tried to snoop her phone and found that she had turned the phone completely off. She never does this because i will often times have to wake up and turn off her morning alarm while she is in the shower. Not to mention she did not place the phone on a charger and when i turned on the phone the battery was at 60%. I looked through the text messages but found nothing. But i still feel she is doing something so i put GPS tracker on my truck. We only have one vehicle for our fam and she works far from where we live. I ould really like to get deleted texts messages but i dont see how i would ever get enough time to get her phone alone. Either way something is going on. Maybe like 2 days after that i hear her crying at like 4am for like 45min straight i tried to comfort her and find out what was going on and she said nothing. Now mind you my wife has never cried in front of me not even at family funerals. So im really paranoid.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I rushed that other response, the kids have swimming lessons.

If you give her that ultimatim now she will throw it right back in your face and yes, it will come off as weakness and desperation.

You don't have a proven track record of your thoughts, words, and actions, all in alignment. The advice is to STFU so that only leaves your thoughts and actions. Get thoes in order (side bar, lead, lift, dread etc).

Get your thoughts and actions in order then the words that come out of your mouth have meaning. The version of you that will deliver thoes words just dosent exist yet.

All this is nonsense if the kids are being exposed to hard drugs or violent assholes felons. If thats the case call a lawyer and take their advice.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your not ready for that ultimatim yet. If you think the kids are actually being exposed to violence or hard drugs then do what you have to do and be decisive.

You are in the right place, you are just a hot mess right now. Even if you found out she was cheating how is that going to change your position right now. You still have kids and a boat to keep afloat.

Work on you. Improve. Plan and exicute.

You are your own judge.

Keep the crew safe.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Im angry at myself and her because i let her treat me this way throughout the entire relationship. Angry that my spouse does not support me in sobriety from addiction. Angry that i was not able live my dream of a drug free household.

Number one - you are angry. Trying to think straight is a lot harder when you are angry.

Do you have any control over yourself?

If you do not, please stop wasting our time.

If yes, then now is the time to get to the hard work doing the things that you need to do for yourself and for your kids.

Number Two - You have to overcome your fear of addictions, fear of failure, fear of your wife.

Your anger and your fear, they are two sides of the same powerless coin.

A fearless, calm man is a very powerful combination.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Very sound advice. Anger phase is scary because its hard to know which way to go. Worried about divorce rape. But i have started to work reading trying to internalize NMMNG and lifting. Social life outside of kids needs to be fixed. Financials could be better...not too much debt except credit card about 2k and home loan about 120k, car loan 21k.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Now you need a plan, a "MAP". Start on the OYS each week if you ever want to get better....

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My wife smoked weed all day everyday. I told her it's that or me. Worked pretty good, she's been off it for 10 years. As to if she resents me for it idk. Was before kids so i was aok with bouncing if need be and she knew it. Hold your ground if she respects your pov and addiction she will let it go. Otherwise it's a tough road ahead. Get some dreams of your own and ignore her making oils and focus on you.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Im confused because i cant make her do anything, if i leave then my kids will be in unstable environment. Im definitely taking this time to focus on me. Im wondering if i should wait 18 months for me to really put the time in working on me before i give ultimatum.

[–]IRunYourRiver1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're in the right place. I would say skip ahead and read Mindful Attraction Plan. Get yourself moving and force the resolution point with her. She can be Dreaded into stopping her partying. Or you can move on.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Second vote for MAP. It is a guide to fixing the type of thing you describe (he calls it an emotional vampire), and you'll learn about your role as the victim.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I will check this book out this weekend.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It has been this way a long time, and you have just begun your journey. Give yourself some serious time to improve and to set a more appealing example, and give her time to respond; 1000' rope and all that.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats true, lead by example is the best leadership. We argue over this all the time because she actually subscribes to "do as i say and not as i do."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You seem new...so how are you on your style improvements and outcome independence? You've been doing this for a month now? The rule of thumb is a month per year pre red pill to expect real turnarounds.

If your example doesn't lead. She wont follow. If you ask her not to do something and her response is essentially "fuck your noise" ... you are noise.

Weed's not the problem. It's the focus. And you're helping keep it that way. You improve yourself and the rest will follow or fall off, whatever your relaxation preferences.

This seems more like an anti-weed astroturfing psa than anyone who's changed more about themselves other than working out a little more and talking to a lawyer and making demands that HER behavior changes before she actually cares again.

You don't like what she's doing? Don't be around. . Certainly protect your assets as well. Catch her if she's being shady and use that in the divorce.

Maybe she's amped up the self-supplying-of-fun, because you aren't fun in any sense anymore? I'm not suggesting you reward bad behavior, but what are you doing to make sure your life is exciting or fun enough that she wouldn't mind parting ways with a boredom killer like 420 to hang?

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That was my 1st post. I have bought some new clothes and cologne but not a whole wardrobe. In terms of being a fun guy well i usually bring the fun stuff like comedy shows or concerts, movies, new cool restaurants for us to do together. I dont hang out with friends a lot which is my fault. So im reconnecting with friends and fam. In terms of anti weed im not anti weed im anti addicton really. Her addiction has really come between me and our kids. I tried to deal with it but her addiction gets worse and worse to the point she is not eating and spending quality time with me or our kids unless the kids beg her to so. She has lost so much weight and looks sickly, clothes dont fit. She believes wholeheartedly nothin is wrong with weed, i agree if you are not addicted and smoke occasionally. But she smokes heavy everyday and just being around her and it does not help my own weed addiction.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Certainly.

Seriously reconnecting with friends will help you and help with perspective. That alone can do wonders for your own resolve. She can either be along for the ride or beat herself up later about it. But I'd do what you can to be a good example. Of mom couldnt get her shit together and ran dad off who is now including them in a better life you cant help but know who they'll look up to and emulate.

[–]Icarus6630 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I became addicted like in if i stop smoking weed i get the sweats and the shakes.

Bullshit.Cannabis gives no physical addiction unless you consume with tobacco. In this case you get nicotine withdrawal symptoms

One question: You let your wife smoke cannabis or tobacco during pregnancy? If yes you and your wife are really full of shit

Add to that i think she may be cheating but i have no proof

Of course she is cheating or is going to cheat, is in her nature

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Im new so I don't know how to embed your comments in my reply anyone help me out on that one...

Regarding my addiction, you can say its BS but obviously you are not me and you are not the person experiencing the withdrawal symptoms...As far as tobacco I mainly smoke weed out of blunts that are made of tobacco leaf so that could be a causing factor, but I don't smoke cigarettes.

My wife did smoke weed and tobacco during our 1st child pregnancy unknowingly because she didn't know she was pregnant until idk 3 months into it. During the 2nd pregnancy she smoked tobacco occasionally. I did not confront her about it at that time so that is my fault.

On the cheating I think anyone can and will cheat especially if they have motivation, not sure how your comment adds anything of substance on that topic.

[–]Icarus6630 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

The point about the cheating is that she don't need motivation to cheat. Nature has already provided motivation, it's called hypergamy. She just needs the opportunity.

[–]bmorealpha[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

And there is plenty opportunity. I have not found anything yet beyond circumstantial evidence. But I will keep looking and if I don't find anything. I still feel like based on what little evidence I have she has done something. If she cant admit to it that would be a dealbreaker.

[–]Icarus6630 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Anyway, don't overthink it. You probably will also cheat with an adequate fine girl



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