I’m cringingly beta. Have been my whole life. I’ve had oneitis for 2 years for an ex-coworker who wants nothing to do with me, and a wife who will have starfish sex a few times a week to keep her beta providing and keeping the family together for the kids.
For the oneitis, nothing has worked - I’ve even tried therapy. I’ve looked into escorts (GFTOW) but chickened out.
Went to London for work and decided to try some catch and release. Pretty much everything I do these days is an attempt at distraction from my oneitis, and this was no different.
Spent most of the afternoon chatting up a 21yr old blonde American in a student area. She gave some strong IOIs at first but then realised I was beta and we parted as ‘friends’.
Dejected I headed back, on the way I opened a hot 23yr old brunette for fake directions, flirted & got her number. Whole interaction was 2 mins.
Couple days later I’m back in London, this time for an overnight stay. At this point I know it was breaking the rules of catch and release but I messaged her asking if she wanted a drink later. She did.
I turned up, low energy, not outcome dependent, and she lapped it up. I was nearly 15 yrs older than her, but she only dates older men.
Took her back to my hotel bar with ease, on the walk back the guilt began to build. I could tell she was very interested in me, and a little crazy (she’d been checking her phone every 10 mins after my first approach)
We ended up in a hotel corridor with her moaning, kissing me, touching my dick and telling me how she’s not normally this type of girl.
The fact I couldn’t bring myself to seal the deal (guilt, combined with the horrible feeling that I’d already taken this too far) made me a Chad for her.
All I had to do was lead her into my room. But my head was thinking ‘if I do this there’s no way back. Not only would I have to deal with the guilt, get tested for STIs, also sex makes women even more invested and this girl was seeming stalkerish already - the chances of her tracking down me/my wife was very high.
In my head although it went way too far, by not sleeping with her I’ve retained some modicum of plausible deniability.
I don’t feel guilty about kissing a hot 23 yr old. Maybe I should but I don’t.
But my low interest has had the opposite effect on her. By turning down sex it’s made her more into me. She texted the following day several times but my replies were brief and indifferent, and this is making things worse. It’s making her more interested as I’m looking like Chad.
I’m scared that she will track me down and fuck up my marriage/kids more than it already is. But if we’d fucked my fear would be this x100 so I’m happy for that at least.
One thing this taught me is that even if you’re beta, you can appear Alpha for the right girl or in the right circumstances.