Where I'm at: 36 yo, 5'11”, 150 lb. INTJ. 12 year LTR, married for 7 years, 2 kids (8 and 3).
TRP and MRP newb. Currently reading RM, Marcus Aurelius Meditations. MMSL and NMMNG in my cart. First post. Backstory, victim puke, emergency911. It's a mess.
I'm BB. Wife cheated last year (with motorcycle driving ex-con). Told me about it (I had been oblivious) when she was ready to skate. I had thought we were mostly good, she had been a bit extra-distant for a year but I was assuming she was working through her inner turmoil shit. She was the one who was always ga-ga over me, I assumed it would stay that way. But if you're a pussy long enough, it doesn't. That was July/August of last year. It shook my world and re-aligned my head some. After playing the pussy for a couple of days, I bucked back and tried to kick her out. That went weird quick – she unhappily broke off the affair and agreed to work on us. But you can't negotiate desire. Three weeks ago or so I asked her just what the fuck our non-relationship WAS. WTF she was planning on doing about it. Weak, I know, now. Give me time. That was a week before I had ever even opened TRP. We “separated.” To keep things copacetic in the meantime for the kids, we are somewhat sharing the house. She hasn't uttered the word divorce. Not sure if she's trying to get me to kill the puppy. She didn't take back up with her buddy (beats the hell out of me why the fuck not). She sleeps in a (female) friend's bed 5-6 days a week. If she's home I sleep in the basement. We're friendly. She was the SAHM so now she's got a temp min wage 4 day a week gig and juggling kids and getting the older child to and from school is a major negotiation.
Sex. Ours wasn't the “good sex for a year and then it dries up” variety. But also not good. She wanted sex at least daily. But she also wanted me to lead and add spice and variety and I was FAR too beta to DO it, let alone parse the message. Some of this came out in our half-hearted re-start. She wanted daily sex, but would starfish and I didn't know how to lead (because I was listening to her words, not her actions) so I would get bored and jerk off to more interesting stuff. I was too dumb to know all I had to do was bring it on. So she thought she was way more horny than me. I came up with two boundaries (pre-TRP awareness of ANY kind) 1) if she was going to approach a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else, to NOT sleep home anymore and 2) if she was going to be taking strange, that we wouldn't fuck anymore – my rationale was that we ARE still married, and I'm NOT agreeing to an open relationship. She came home less and stopped initiating sex – and I sure as shit wasn't going to. SHE was the one who told ME that I should look into TRP. SHE has repeatedly told me to feel free to date, at the very least to go get fucked. Which I haven't.
So, here I am. Aware I'm not the man I ought to be. In a strange fairyland limbo of a mostly dead LTR. I did, at the outset, get momentarily to a place where I truly DNGAF, but it was fleeting and basically from me trying to find a LITTLE backbone. I am a decent father, I love my boys and my boys love me. If I fight, I am pretty sure I will lose custody. I am a small biz owner. I stay afloat, but I have some massive debts as well. We were poor together, her parents basement, section 8 housing. Now we own a house, have decent cars. No savings, no cash, as I've dumped everything back into the business. So breaking up is gonna fucking hurt in a practical as fuck way. I have 4 full time employees (over-staffed a bit, but that's saving my ass now that I'm doing baby care 1/3 of my previous working hours). She can completely fuck me more than she already has if she'd like.
I have worked to improve myself, for myself, in the last 9 months. One tenant of RP that I accidentally adopted. Been doing Rip's SS method. Still a total novice, but I've gained 20 pounds, sq 170, dl 210, press 70 (ha!), bench 125. I'm a skinny MF, but it's a start. Got contacts. Attempt to see the barber a little regularly. Cut back on sports watching. Cut way back on beer. Trying to learn how to dress a bit smarter. Joined a fraternal lodge. Patting myself on my back, but I have a LONG way to go. I have about ZERO social life, and cutting out drinking isn't helping. My business is doing OK but it should be fucking killing it, and my inability to be my own best salesman is holding me back. I'm still a total stick. I never had game, and after this LTR started, I thought I never would. I was wrong and wrong. I am already aware that I CAN change myself, personality included to a degree. There's a fucking mountain ahead of me. I'm not certain if given the option I would tell my wife “no” if she wanted to start over, but I am aware that without the proper plan to do so, that's a total disaster. She was a wonderful wife and mother until she wasn't.
My 3yo broke my nice wireless speaker by spraying it with the garden hose last week. NO, I left it on the patio where he COULD. My bad. Same with my relationship. It's about as far off course as it could be. But I let go of the wheel and let it drift there. She did same as my child. What was natural to do in the situation. My bad. My hope is I can learn from both.
I'm cashing in my victim puke card up front. There enough shit here to qualify I'm sure. This was intended more to be an emergency post tho – not divorced, sure. But cheated on. Separated at her request. I'm a doormat. But I'm here. Any specific advice, links, etc appreciated. I'm not sure how to get to truly NGAF if the relationship survives or not. And I think without that, i'll continue to be powerless. Books, posts that may be of particular relevance appreciated. Telling me where my heads inserted up my own ass probably also necessary. I don't need treated with kids gloves, but I'm also here and puking because I'm sure I couldn't handle the concrete dildo of truth of what I need to eventually wrap my head around.