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March 26, 2018

How do you start regaining respect in the relationship? I violated the STFU rule over a comment made by my "mother in law" and spoke to my girl about it.

Apparently, the respect i do get all comes from the BP sphere. My work ethic, ability to be independent, intelligence, ability to be a dad etc, Shit like that. I need a starting point because the reframing of the relationship is like a stuttering car right now. It keeps starting and stopping

Post Information
Title Respect
Author U-M-P
Upvotes 7
Comments 55
Date 26 March 2018 10:44 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

You are talking about two things - regaining respect and making mistakes in your journey.

Look, everyone is going to make mistakes. Lord knows I’ve made my fair share of them. The anger phase has hit me a few times, I’ve DEERed when I should have STFUed, and so forth. The key is that I’ve recognized those mistakes and worked to be better. Not saying I’m perfect, but those mistakes go down over time.

When you talk about regaining respect, the question is, how do you get respect in the first place. You keep your word, you make a plan and execute, you lead your family, you have fun with your family, you game your wife, you give her the best sex she’s ever had, you work out and get/be in shape, you get your work life under control and have a plan there (and don’t complain about your job, she doesn’t need your worry), and generally own your shit.

And all of this is reciprocal as well in good relationships. Mutual respect is important. Do you respect her? Is she worthy of your respect? Questions to consider.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

When the questions are listed this way, i fail at far more than i realise. Cheers

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You fail. Ok then. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to wallow in self pity? Sit back and play video games? Or are you making a plan and implementing real changes.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No, i used to be a big gamer but i can never go back.

It's during arguing that brought up this question and the "joke" from the mother in law. I don't really acknowledge the fight. I just shrug it off, give a stock answer of "Ok" like i'm listening which gets me a lecture etc. I don't have time for fights but she wants them. She wants to be heard.

I feel like i might just be going autistic with the leadership aspect and ignore the advice of "my first mate"

[–]crimson_chris2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Simple. Be a man of action. Practice continual improvement. Respect yourself.

Respect yourself = Do you keep your word? Are you fit? Do you have a plan? Are you organized?

Respect is usually a lagging indicator that you have your shit together.

Failure. If you are continuously improving, you will continue to fail. At a minimum, failure is an acknowledgement that you can do better. So, be a man of action.

[–]pridebrah0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Do you respect her? Is she worthy of your respect?

Question, how do you really come to a point of genuinely respecting a woman when their makeup is a chaotic storm of emotion, games, etc...basically the opposite of what you would respect in a man? I tend to look at women like they're children due to their close resemblance in many ways. I have a hard time finding respectable qualities to really cling to, as they're just pretty ridiculous at the end of the day.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

They have to earn it. You don’t respect her for her looks or playing games. They earn your respect same as everyone else should. Perhaps it is a maturity kind of thing.

Women as children is a useful metaphor, to a extent. AWALT, but there is a spectrum, of course. There are capable women worthy of your respect out there.

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I need a starting point because the reframing of the relationship is like a stuttering car right now.

The starting point is the sidebar, lifting, and STFU

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

The best way to gain respect from others is to first gain respect for yourself.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This guy is a dud, not going to do shit.

[–]pridebrah0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed, but at least this thread created some good reference posts / an archive for those that will.

[–]TurdDoctor4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Even though you swallowed the pill your wife remembers the old you. It will take her time to forget the old you and trust the new you is here to stay, the you that deserves respect.

It takes on average 66 days of doing something to form a habit (but it can range from 18-254 days). Keep working and your STFU instead of DEER will stick.

I used to forget my wallet alot when going out of the house. I haven't forgotten it for about 9 months. She still says when we are leaving, "have your wallet, phone?" I don't say anything in response. Its a reflection of my past failure and she will stop when it's clear that version of me is gone for good and the new me is a habit in her head.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I expected this. Any rational person would question anybodies claim or new found act of being different

[–]SeamusAwl3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Read the side bar

But here is the cliff notes version:

  • STFU
  • You Do You, let her do her and stfu
  • If it NEEDS doing, do it and stfu
  • Own your actions and stfu
  • “Play” with your wife
  • Take responsibility for your finances and stfu
  • Take responsibility for your physique and stfu
  • Take responsibility for your health and stfu
  • Take responsibility for house and stfu
  • Take responsibility for your job and stfu
  • And STFU

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (21 children) | Copy

Describe what you mean by respect. How are you treated with and without it?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (20 children) | Copy

Don't get laid or if i do it's definitely transactional or because she has an itch that needs scratching.

Constant fighting and not being listened to.

Joked about by the mother in law

And i walk around on eggshells. (Yes, i'm that pathetic)

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (15 children) | Copy

Ah, this makes more sense, you're not looking for respect, you're looking for success.

  1. validational, not transactional sex - None of the advice you've gotten in here accompishes that. Be hawt, don't have unattractive behaviours. Focus on:
    1. Practical Female Psychology
    2. Bang/DayBang
    3. steelsharpenssteels guide to the mystery method
    4. the eating and fitness posts by redneck
  2. removal of conflict - On this, you have to stop fearing conflict and getting mad when it happens. I would say NMMNG and sex god method is your friend here, same as /u/bogeyd6 and his concept of manufactured fights for DEVI. Though as 1. improves, 2. diminishes automatically
  3. MIL - She carries as much weight as you let her. I'm guessing she's an old fat bitchy shrew, and her husband (if still around) puts up with it? Older Chateay Heartiste is your friend here, great stuff on frame and bitch women. If you find his commentary on The video I linked, you'll see why this video gamer is your new role model.
  4. Eggshells - the more conflict avoidant you are, the more you encourage further conflict. I would suggest anything you can find from /u/staceysmomlovesme /u/ex_addict_bro. Great guys who went from conflict avoidant, to completely comfortable in the space. You'd never even think they were capable of not being glorious bastards now, thats how effective it is.

Complete the reading, put it into practice, always try something before posting questions. youre ability to embrase potential failure and put your neck out there is more valuable than even the best advice here.

Also, if you have the spare time, I think the more you get into the psychology of co dependancy (you need less) and narcissism (you need more) the better mental models you can build. thelastpsychiatrist has a great blog on this, as does vinkatesh Rao, but focus on his 'be slightly evil' and 'tempo'. They are denser reads, but very useful here.

Or just go caveman, lift like your life depended on it, and stop giving a shit about the harpies in your life.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

Do you have the link to your 21 convention speech on frame?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's in my Mystery Method post.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great post btw, i like the day to day guide on reforming

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Behind a paywall until later in the year at Speech is on my blog tho, getting unfucked at 21convention.

But if you understand the 12 levels of dread, there's nothing new in it. The professors book is a much more through read

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah, thanks to u/MrChad_Thundercock i was able to realise i can apply all the re-framing and ways to deal with shit-tests i want but if my SMV doesn't match it, the dread won't accompany it.

But i'll definitely check your blog. When it comes to the weekly podcasts with you, rollo and the rest, your inputs usually cuts through the shit

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

way too much thinking, better use of your time is to get to the gym and embrace your inner gronk for a while.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Body weight exercises atm. Work too much and live in a rural setting

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm guessing you're holding onto an extra 40lbs then? Better be doing more than some burpees and pushups. Whats your 5k time?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not even "fat". I'm 5'11 and 180 pounds. I just need to tone and build (Which i will be as i'm converting my garage into a gym)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Thank you

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

If you’re serious, your starting point is to go home, package up your ps4 or whatever faggot console you have, and all your games, special controllers, put them on eBay, take the money from the transaction and buy some new fucking clothes. I bet you can get a lot because you seem like a hard core gamer.

You say you gave up Games, but you’re full of shit. All you faggot gamers are the same, you secretly play it whenever you get the chance and never stop thinking about it. You never “quit”. You’ll be back playing it when the next madden comes out faggot.

Stop sitting around all day watching other people be great. Has it ever occurred to you that YOU can be great too?

Do you want respect and your balls back? Do you want lots of wet pussy?

Get the damn machine out your house and then start reading ===> and don’t fucking post again until you’re done the assignment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No, genuinely have. I tried playing it yesterday after a month off, gave up after 15 mins so my girl uses it for TV in bed when i'm away at work.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Proves my point that you’re retarded.

You “genuinely” gave it up, but yet played it for 15 min YESTERDAY.

You’ll play it again in a few days because you are having withdrawals asshole. That’s your safe little world where you don’t have to deal with reality that your wife fucking OWNS you.

Get the fuck out of here faggot. I hear madden ‘18 is awesome.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have to generate the feels sometimes. Manufacturing your own outcome is tough work and once you get the feel for it. She is your own personal taco vendor.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

What’s your fucking problem soldier?

You’re either retarded or lying about reading.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Not necessarily lying, just fucked up by posting before completing the reading

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not necessarily lying, just fucked up by


Don't try to mitigate your failures. Everyone else can see through your b.s.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

“starting point..”

Look over there ===>

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Read it, just need to order Athol Kay's books

[–]RedPillNewb882 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You've got to keep going through the sidebar over and over. It's not a once-over type of deal. And it takes time, a long time, to eliminate the memories of the old you that she still has.

I would suggest getting the kindle app and and also subscribing to audible. I like the feel of real books also, but it helps to have all the digital files right there in my hand so I can read them or listen to them whenever.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy


[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy


buzz words- generic question- read the sidebar- still needs a starting point- plugs a specific author.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You read “it”?

Heres another starting point: Stop being a faggot.

[–]ArticulateSavage0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You haven't read Kay's books??!!

Why are you posting here at all? MMSLP is THE book that removed the scales from my eyes. For me, it was the most relevant book on the side bar after NMMNG. Get to work, OP.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Will do

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

They are the first things on the sidebar. Anything else you made up doing?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I never liked the way that's said.

Regaining respect.

I mean the idea of that phrase means you have some sort of checklist to follow in order to "earn" something back. Just like you "earn" the right to have sex with your SO again. It's like my idea of trust in a relationship. I love to hear from the Purple/Blue Pill crowd about they have the trust of thier women. How they "earned" it.

Yeah ok. The reality is we save the harshest standards for those we love and are supposed to be the closest to us. There may in fact be some reasoning there. Since those closest to us can stab us in the back so readily. Yet that has never really changed since the days sons were knifing their fathers for the throne. Still she gets to lord over you the idea that she is the approver of all things respect, and in fact likely has higher standards for her respect of YOU vs some hot piece of man meat she just met or saw at the grocery store.

Maybe it's the luxury of a modern society where we have more time to think about our emotions and emotional security vs the reality of the world. Maybe it's because we live in a hyper-feminist culture where hypergamy is the ultimate law in the land.

So while everyone here just gave you a list of things to do. Make yourself a little checklist and follow it like a good boy. By all means do them in order to "earn" HER respect again.

Or you could just start respecting yourself. Become the man you wan to be regardless of what she thinks. Sure you may want her on that journey going forward. You may have a place for her in your mission. She can stay or go.

Doesn't' really matter. It's all bullshit in the end.

Either way the only thing you can decide is what you are going to do.

Try starting with respecting yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You're probably right

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

At least you know how to FOG. That’s a good start. That was probably pure luck though.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No, that's how i treat all "pointless" arguments. That's how i end up in a bigger argument about not listening etc because all accusations just roll right off me and i come off overly cocky...

And now i just solved the problem, that my arrogance doesn't match my SMV. Cheers

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

His comment was far from “pointless”.

Cheers faggot boy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Didn't check the parent comment, thought it was in response to your rant on me gaming

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

After reading this thread and the responses from the OP, I can categorically state that I also have no respect for him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't blame you. The road ahead for me is long

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The key elements for gaining respect are owning your shit, boundaries, and frame.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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