8 days ago I posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7zz2b6/should_i_relent_wife_going_batshit_at_minor/
5'11, 212, 24% via Navy Method, 155bp, 250sq, 275dl
As a forward -- I'm still ahead of my skis. I continue to want to punt this conversation and cave but her bullshit has me taking the most minor stand ever, which apparently will lead to divorce(?!?). I benefit from being the settler (I could be with a higher SMV mate reasonably quickly; she would very likely be downgrading) due to an unplanned pregnancy. My mind has wandered to separation/divorce and it doesn't scare me. I'm eating 1.75kcal/day with tons of protein, lifting every other day, always reading, getting better.
Since the last post, I continued on being happy, keeping the house in order, playing with the kids, etc. Cold shoulder from her, silent treatment. She opened up a bit in the past 2 days. Tonight, she said we need to chat and that she wasn't happy.
Her: rehashing why she's sleeping in the guest bedroom
Me: being a bit autistic and taking a long time to respond, letting her keep talking, lamely trying to fog, back and forth, I eventually explain my boundary that I don't apologize when I haven't done anything I deem wrong
Her: It's so hurtful that you can't just apologize, that you don't care that I'm upset
Me: I don't want you to be upset (had this cycle a ton of times, my mindset/language was that I don't want to hurt her, but keeping my strict I-own-my-actions boundary)
Negative assertion around it's crazy that I can't just apologize type stuff.
It came up that she thought she was co-dependent and that I was independent. That I was a better person than her because I could control my emotions.
She says we should consider a separation. I say that I don't want to separate, but we should if our situation is completely not acceptable, we can proceed. She cries. We go back to the beginning of the conversation.
I tried to give her a path back on every cycle of the conversation, "I want you to be on our team, on our family's team, I don't want to separate," which was rebuffed by shit like, "I can't be with someone that doesn't care when I'm hurt." Whenever I'd say, "I love you + other shit" to give some comfort, she shut down. She's stubborn. I'm not savvy enough to know if this has turned into a comfort test; I tried to hedge for this and it failed.
After cycle #whatever, she pushed on separation and said she didn't want to leave the house. I told her I didn't either. She spewed her shit about this being my fault for not caving. I told her, "I won't be leaving the house." She said, "Wow -- I can't believe you'd act like this. I always thought if we had these problems it could be amicable." I STFU'd, she hemmed and hawed then said, "You have friends you could stay with. Your parents. Bachelor friends. I have no one!" STFU "I'd have to rent" then 2 minutes of silence later she says she'd have to figure out her budget and shit. No idea if I handled this properly. Simply stated my stance.
After this, she got up to leave. I tried to give her a hug, she was not at all into it and said, "you've broken a lot of things here. I can't believe you." Starts crying and walking away. The manipulation knows no bounds.
I did almost no DEERing, which was the hardest fucking thing in my life. She said things like, "You're not willing to fight for this?" and "Why is it so hard to just apologize to make other people feel better?" YOU WANT TO SEPARATE FROM YOUR PRETTY FUCKING SWEET HUSBAND, HIS SOCIAL CIRCLE (WHICH YOU'RE ONLY KIND OF A PART OF) AND A NUCLEAR FAMILY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T... APOLOGIZE ENOUGH AND SOMETIMES MAKES DECISIONS WITHOUT YOUR INPUT? Holy. Shit. We have no business being here.
I went Rambo months ago. I'm not Rambo'ing here. I haven't really done anything except set a single boundary and hold to it. I'm still playing Varsity as a Freshman, I'm sure I fucked a ton of stuff up. Please, let me have it.
Also, to add, weekly to dos:
- Meet with a lawyer